My daughter and her friends drive me crazy, they are always arguing about one thing or another.  I am always telling them to grow up and stop bickering.

This is a time when friends play an increasingly important role in their lives. Teens have developed friendships that are more intimate, exclusive, and more constant than in their earlier years. These friendships are an essential component of development. They provide a venue where your teen can explore their identities.

These interactions are very normal for teens.  This is how they learn to problem solve with individuals and in groups.  These interactions give teens a place to practice and learned how to foster the social skills necessary for future success.

Even though this behavior seems extreme and immature to you, realize that they are not adults; they are still learning how to communicate and develop healthy boundaries.  I know many adults that have yet to develop the social skills they needs to have successful interactions with their adult friends.

As a parent, you should look at two things: one- why is their behavior bothering you so badly?  Did your parents bicker? Look at what your wounding around this behavior might be. If you are triggered by her behavior, the only way you are going to be able to show up for her is to react through your own fears. If you are reacting to her, she is going to shut down and not hear any words of wisdom you might have around this subject. So, first do your inner child work around her behavior. Second, lets look at how you might be able to show up for your daughter in a different way.

The best thing you can do while they are arguing is, just allow them the freedom to do it, as long as they aren’t physically hurting each other, let them be.  If things seem to be going no-where you might let them know your available if they need you, if they say okay, you need to make sure you are not bringing your agenda into their arena.  Do not try to solve this problem for them, that’s not what they need or want. You want to ask a lot of questions and if they are not letting each other talk, ask them if they are okay with setting up a format to express their concerns.  This will be where each of them will have an opportunity to discuss their feelings around the issue, uninterrupted.

During this time you need to remain open. Do not take sides, or judge the situation, you are simply a mediator.  Let each of them express their concerns, and maybe you just keep asking questions.  All this does is help them get to the bottom of the problem with an easier format. That’s what you have provided them with, a safe place to explore their feelings and shown them a different way to communicate, by allowing others to express and be heard.

When our teens are working through their issues and we come in and judge them, maybe by saying or thinking that this is an extreme situation and they are being immature, they will shut down to us.  If they shut down to us, we are no longer able to offer assistance when they need it; we just add more emotional upset to the situation.

What we want to do for them is help them through there upset by holding a safe place for them to explore their feelings.  If we aren’t helping them, we need to know that they will be okay, and not judge they them for the way they want to work through it.

Our judgments only put more distance between our teens and us.  If we want to be available for them we have to be willing to not fix things for them and not judge the way the want to fix it.

Remember, this is normal teenage behavior and if this behavior keeps upsetting you, you have work to do.

This is a question to be answered for all ages. It’s not just a teen problem, it seems to be a problem with women of all ages.  When we have low self-esteem, we seem to hang on to those bad relationships a bit to long. It’s even a problem with guys!  I was just talking to a guy friend of mine and he hasn’t been in a relationship for quite a while and his old girlfriend contacted him and he is considering going back into a dysfunctional relationship because he is lonely.

Weather you are 15-years-old or 40-years-old, male or female, the question of the hour is: when is it time to dump a bad relationship?  My immediate answer would be now, but maybe there is a lesson in here for you, and we also have to judge how bad is the relationship.  If the relationship is really bad, he is abusing you verbally or physical, NOW is the answer. Find support and get out, and start doing your work around your sense of self.  We always know where we are in our lives by looking at the relationships we allow in.  We never want to stay in relationships that are potentially dangerous.

They are so many level of abuse, and we don’t want to over look what seems to be something small like a little cut down. We have to get finite with how we allow people to treat us.  If a boyfriend is criticizing us about anything, our hair, our body, our personality, they way we do things, they way we say, things this is a red flag.  Constructive criticism looks different and feels different as well. If someone is saying something to help you, you usually won’t contract and feel hurt. They way you know the difference is to see how you feel after. Are you upset and hurt, or maybe your just saying “Wow, you have a good point there”.

If your body contracts, and you have feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, or fear it’s a good indicator that something is off and you need to look deeply into the relationship you are having.  When we stay in relationships that are abusive, it’s because we don’t feel good about ourselves.  If we felt good about ourselves, it would be easy to say “No Thank You”.

Now, what if your boyfriend apologizes? Well, lets look at this. If he comes to you with real sorrow and he understands what he has done and is working on himself to not do it again, then give him another shot. But if apologizing becomes his way of being in the relationship, meaning every time  he does something wrong, he knows all he has to do is apologize and everything is okay, then forget it. We want to build healthy relationships in our life because when we let people in our lives that don’t treat us good, it damages our self esteem even more. The more we say No to things that aren’t good for us, the more empowered we become. The more empowered we become, the more we say No. The easier it is to say No. It’s the power circle I talk about in my book.

So, start paying attention to those relationships in your life, are they healthy, are they good for you?  If you had a child would you want them to be in those relationship? That’s always a good question to ask. If not, it’s time to walk away.  Walking away from things or people that aren’t good for us develops our self esteem.

Is it time to dump your boyfriends, maybe, maybe not. Maybe you have a daughter that needs help with this decision, I hope this helps, let me know.

“Listen to me, don’t talk back, what’s the matter with you? You’re grounded” Who is this Father talking to? It appears that he is talking to his daughter, but his daughter is clearly not there. His daughter is so shut down that she is no longer able to hear what her father is saying.

I felt like my parents didn’t see me, couldn’t see me, because of their own wounds that they had not worked through. Now, I don’t blame them, I know they did the best they could. All I am saying is that because they were unable to do their inner work, they were not able to show up for me.

When I first started working with teens, I noticed that for them to really shift their behaviors, I had to shift the parents behaviors too. If you as a parent are only reacting to your teen and not responding, your teen will never open up to you and allow your guidance.

When we are in our own childhood wounds, we cannot be available for our teens, because we are looking to meet our own needs.  We can only step into their reality if our wounded child has been taken care of. This is the premise of my new book “Connecting to your Teen in a Disconnected World”. taking care of our self. It is virtually impossible to be present for someone else if we are not

If you get to know your childhood wounds and how they could show up for you, you will see how it is affecting you, and your reacting to your teen through them.

If your teen does something, lets say she stays out later than her curfew and immediately you go into panic mode, and slip into your fears.  She comes home and you start in right away with “Where were you, what were you doing, your thirty minutes past your curfew, your grounded”. Geez, she didn’t even have a moment to tell her mother what happened. So the daughter gets upset and starts yelling and it goes back and forth and ends with the mother saying you’re grounded and walking out. Total Reaction.

The mother was clearly triggered by her daughter coming in late because she has an unresolved childhood wound, maybe her own mother not respecting her and not following through on things she said she would do. If this is the case, she would react to her teen instead of respond.

If the mother would have responded instead of reacted, this is what it might have looked like. Mother says “Are you okay, I noticed you are thirty minutes late?” “Yes, mom I am okay, Jeannie saw Mr. Walker her English teacher at the concert and they were talking”.  “I totally understand that things like this happen and what I would like you to do in the future is call me and see if it’s okay if you stay out later. This is our agreement and for your father and I to continue to trust you, you have to make sure your actions are trustworthy”.

This is your opportunity to explain integrity, and trust and its importance. If we react, the learning is missed because they are thinking about how unreasonable you are instead of learning a deeper level of integrity. Reacting has no purpose and only does damage.  We have to learn to move through our own woundedness so we can show up for our teens with compassion and clarity. It’s hard to respond to our teens is we are in reaction mode. So, it’s time to do your work around your childhood wounds and do some healing, so you can start showing up for your teen in a whole new way.

Lets me know if you have a situation that you have dealt with regarding responding or reacting and what you did. It’s a tough journey to be working on your childhood wounds and still be showing up for your teens.

It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen.  I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea  to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.

Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents.  Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host.  I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well.  My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter.  For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.

Parenting Q & A

• Q: Why is my teen not talking to me?  A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with.  Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open.  Let them know that you are here for them and love them.  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
• Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
• Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not.  So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
• Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you.  Watch what you say about your own body.  Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.

In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other.  Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are.  If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply.  Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.

If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!

Are we victims or do we take responsibility for are own stuff? Here is an exurb from my book about being a victim.

Sometimes we feel like victims because we are not willing to accept responsibility for ourselves and our actions. It is impossible to have self-esteem if you are powerless. VICTIMS ARE POWERLESS! Let me explain. If you never admit that anything is your fault or believe you don’t have control over some situation in your life, how are you ever going to make any changes in yourself? If you think it is always someone else’s fault, then other people actually control what happens to you in your life. That sounds pretty scary to me. Make no mistake; you don’t have the power to change what anyone else does. You only have the power to change what you do. Here is a story I want to share with you.

I was sitting outside one night with my fourteen daughter and her friend Karen. Karen was visibly upset, and when I asked her what was going on, this is the story she told:

A few weeks ago,” Karen said, “I was at a guy’s house with a few friends and he asked me if I wanted to go down to the basement to talk. I was a little nervous, but I went down anyway and immediately he started kissing me, and he wouldn’t stop. I pushed him away and told him to let me go back upstairs, but he wouldn’t let me go. I kept struggling while he continued to kiss me. He yelled at me, “Why did you come downstairs in the first place?” I finally got away from him and ran back upstairs. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe he did that to me.

After Karen finished her story, I asked her if she thought there was anything she could have done that would have prevented the situation. Karen’s answer was that there wasn’t anything she could have done because he was older and stronger. So Karen, in this situation, decided to remain a victim. “He did it to me.” She was powerless because she believed there was nothing she could do. That’s a pretty scary place to be in life. That same situation could keep happening. In Karen’s mind, the only way to change the situation would be to change everybody else’s actions. How hard would that be? IMPOSSIBLE! You can’t change other people. That’s correct, but you can change yourself. As long as Karen believed she was a victim, this same kind of situation could keep happening to her. She really believed that she had no choice.

I talked to Karen about that nervous feeling, her uneasiness before going downstairs. Karen’s uneasiness was her intuition (her “inner voice”) letting her know she might be entering into a situation that wasn’t good for her. Sometimes that voice is so subtle, you have to listen carefully in order to hear it. When I asked her if she had listened to that voice and not gone downstairs with the guy, would that have prevented the whole situation? Her answer was, “Yes, yes it would have.” Then why had she gone down anyway? She said because she wanted him to like her. I asked her why she needed him to like her. Karen thought for a moment and then she shrugged her shoulders and said that she didn’t know why.

“Karen, do you like yourself?” I asked her. “Sometimes,” was her reply to me. “If you had more confidence and were more secure with who you are, would it have made it easier to say ‘no’? Would saying ‘No thanks, I’m going to hang with my friends’ have been easier for you?” Karen paused as she thought this over. Finally she smiled her beautiful smile and said, “I guess if I liked myself, it wouldn’t matter if anyone else liked me. I wouldn’t have to do things to get people to like me.” I told her the guy probably would have respected her for being confident.

Having confidence and satisfaction in oneself equals SELF- ESTEEM.

The biggest discovery for Karen was that she didn’t need to be a victim, and that she had the power to keep herself out of uncomfortable situations. Knowing that she didn’t have to be a victim gave Karen back her inner strength. Remember, before we talked there was nothing she thought she could have done. She was a powerless victim. Afterward, Karen was shining with power. She was excited with her new found strength. Listen to your inner voice. Be honest with yourself, and don’t do things that make you feel uneasy.

In most all situations, we have the power to make choices in our life that can affect us either negatively or positively.  The most important thing to do, is listen to that inner voice we all have. Even if it’s a tiny little voice saying “I don’t know about this”, pay attention to it. You don’t need to have that inner voice validated with the answers why you shouldn’t,  just know that your intuition is guiding you, and it always guides you in the right direction.  So start paying attention to that voice and start making decisions that are good for you and stop giving your power away.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a great story to tell about being a victim or not.

After writing my blog on Friday about the Random Acts of Kindness, this website called We The World, A United World posted my blog on the Clothing exchange. That was a nice surprise but more importantly it’s an amazing website about passing it forward.  As I was scrolling through I came upon this list of 100 ways for teens to make a difference in your community.

Through service, teens can be active agents of positive change in their communities. But figuring out how to get started in service can be intimidating for teens. The reactions can range from thinking there’s nothing productive to be done, to being overwhelmed with all the possibilities.

Involving the teens in creating a list of service activities, small and large, can help put the possibilities into the proper perspective. The following list, created by Youth Service America, can be a starting point for teens to create lists relevant to their own community’s needs.

100 Ways To Make A Difference In Your Community

Nothing makes me feel as good as I feel when I participate in a random act of kindness, or any act of kindness for that matter.  Last night I was preparing for a clothing exchange with about 15 girls. There was this black sweat pant outfit with a jacket with beautiful embroidery on both that a friend had given to me, that I was contemplating taking it to exchange.  The sweat suit was a little to small for me, but I was crazy about it. This wasn’t your typical sweatsuit by the way, the embroidery was fantastic.  I kept trying it on, thinking that I would wear it someday.  So, as I was looking through my closet, picking the clothes to take, there the sweatsuit is staring at me, and I have to make a decision.  After long deliberation, I put it in my pile to take.

Integrity is having an uprightness of character or action. It implies trustworthiness.

We know our code of honor; we know when we show a lack of integrity–in other words, when we are not trustworthy.

Do we like people who don’t have Integrity? When our friends lie to us, do we think it is okay?  This seems like a very basic quality we should learn when we are younger, but somehow it misses the boat.

It is very important to develop integrity within oneself. When we lie, cheat, steal or deceive, we hurt ourselves. We damage our self esteem. We never want to do something that makes us view our self as someone without integrity.  How can we like people who lack integrity? You, yourself, don’t like those kinds of people, so make sure that you aren’t one.  Everything always comes down to liking yourself, so you can love yourself, so you can have confidence and be happy.

People treat us differently when they can not trust us.  They don’t open up to us, therefore we prevent close relationships from happening in our lives.  People are afraid of sharing personal information with us, so this only allows a very shallow friendship.

It is so much nicer to be able to have close relationships that we can share our dreams, our upsets and our fears with, knowing that they will honor us, by keeping that information to themselves and not sharing or gossiping with others about it.

If we want friendship with people that have integrity, we have to have integrity, that is just the way the world works.  If you lie to your friends, they will never believe your words, again it will be impossible to trust you, therefore limiting your
relationship.

If we are doing things that hurt other people, and yes lying, cheating, and being dishonest indeed hurts others, and guess what, it hurts us too.  When we are people we don’t like, it damages our self esteem.  We become people we don’t like and if we are people we don’t like, our sense of self suffers.

When we have low self esteem, we tend to make everyday decisions in our life through that space instead of a confident place.  Can you see how that could affect our life?  Because the decisions we make, create the life we live.  So, if we are out there making bad decisions, how do you think our life will look?  Take a moment and think about it.

It’s safe to say that having Integrity is important, it is a part of who you are.  So, in looking at who you are or who you want to be, think about: do you have integrity?

Eleanor Roosevelt - “I have learned long ago to possess my soul in patience and accept the inevitable.”

Four weeks ago I stepped off of a chair in my house and landed on a piece of wood that was sticking up from my wood floor…OUCH!  I pulled out this 1 1/2 inch piece of wood out of my foot and began the inspection to make sure that I had pulled it all out.  It look good, nice and clean and free of any other particles, so I thought.

Two days later I’m still unable to walk, and so goes the story.  Three Doctor trips later their telling me there is not much they can do that there is a piece still in there and just soak it and let it work it’s way out itself.  Three weeks later, I am still unable to walk and my foot is feeling an unusual amount of pain.  Doctor’s still say “keep soaking it and hopefully it will work it’s way out”.  I soak, I squeeze, and put ointment on and tell myself that walking is over-rated.

Four weeks later I’m feeling like I’m a bit crazy and I tell my boyfriend that it is never going to come out, and have a mini breakdown.  He says in his positive, sweet voice “It just needs to do it in it’s own time”.  I leer at him and tell him that it’s been plenty enough time and I call my Doctor again and tell his Nurse that I need to come in, yet again, but this time I want him to lance it and take it out.  she says she will have him call me. Enough is enough, I’m over it, and waiting for it to work it’s way out.

That night I am doing my regular routine, I’m soaking it and I am squeezing it, and as I am squeezing it, I am again telling my boyfriend that it’s never going to come out and I’m just going to cover it and forget about it.  And the most amazing thing happened it popped it’s head out to prove me wrong.  I was shocked to say the least, wow there it was, I grabbed it and begin to pull it out and I was shocked again by how long it was, a little more than 1/2 inch long, no wonder it took 4 weeks to work it way out.

In my life I am always looking at the lessons that always seem to be near by if I will give them the attention they so deserve.  This was a big one.

Lessons:

1) Everything will work it’s self out in it’s own time
2) It doesn’t matter if you need it sooner
3) As long as you are taking the action required to aid it’s process, that’s all you can do
4) Thinking negativity may not help the process
5) Having a piece of wood in your foot really hurts
6) And sometimes it’s a good idea to listen to the people that love you

So, take a deep breath, and breathe in “Patience, Understanding, and Unconditional Love for yourself” and know that we are doing the best that we can do.