Are We Expecting our Teens to do what Adults can’t?
Stand up for yourself, set boundaries, don’t let your friends take advantage of you. Wow, that’s a lot to ask of a teen!
It seems like it’s a lot to ask of an adult. Look around you, how many adults tell their friends, their bosses or anyone that is acting inappropriately, “that’s not acceptable”! I am in a circle of pretty conscious people and most of them have difficulties setting boundaries. When most adults have to make a decision to confront someone who has done something to them that they don’t appreciate, it takes a lot for them to talk to the person. Some people actually get sick to their stomach, and have extreme anxiety about it.
So why do we act like our teen should be able to handle this easier. It is most often harder for a teen to confront another teen or worse yet an adult about something they have done that he or she is not good with. It is tougher for a teen to make sense of what has happened and why it feels off. This happens to adults also, but with teens they can’t usually figure out how to confront without being ousted by their peers or not respected by an adult.
So how can we help or teens and our self to confront with ease? For me it is easier just knowing that if I confront I am taking care of myself, and usually if it’s good for me it’s always a gift for the other person in learning more about themselves, if they are willing. Also if I look at what it is they are doing and why it is triggering me, that helps me learn about myself. It helps me take the blame off of them and realize it’s just another lesson to learn.
For teens it’s important for the parent to have compassion for what they are feeling around it, understand their feelings, and their hurt, step into their reality.
Help your teenager get in touch with their feelings around the situation, ask them questions like “how did you feel when she did that to you” or “why do you think she is acting like that”, also ask her if she feels the hurt anywhere in her body. Sometimes there will be physical symptoms. Asking questions helps them get in touch with how they are feeling, and why and make sense of the situation.
Help your teen put together a plan of what they might say to the person acting inappropriate. Also help them understand why the other person might be acting this way; so that your teen can have compassion for them, this really helps with easing the anger.
These are also good tips for adults to use when they are having difficulties with confronting. I have become really good at confronting people in a loving way because what I noticed was, when I didn’t confront I got sick to my stomach and would lose sleep over it. I bet if you thought about it, you would realize that it is more painful not to confront than to confront. So stand up for yourself, start setting healthy boundaries, and confront in a loving way. Let me how you feel when you do or don’t confront.