It’s your teen’s birthday and your scrabbling for the perfect gift.  Every year you see the disappointment in your teens face when he or she opens the gift that you spent months looking for.

After a few years of gift disappointments for both my kids and myself, I decided that it was time to remove my ego and get them what they want.  At first I thought, I’d just give them cash, and wound up feeling as disappointed.  Cash seemed to take the fun completely out of the gift all together.

The first gift I gave them was explaining that it’s no fun to give a gift to an ingrate, and that no matter what you received you are to appear excited because it’s not about the gift at all, it’s about the thought that went into the gift from a person that loves you very much.  Now, even thought we know that this is a great gift to our teens, the gift of wisdom, maybe we are still looking for special gift that really excite them.  So here they are, as simple as they can be.

Ten Top Gifts for Teens:
1) Gift Certificate to their favorite clothing store, not yours-  Teens don’t want to be dressed by their parents, they are becoming more independent.  Give them the Gift Certificate and let them go shopping and pick out their own cloths.  I was at a store shopping and I heard a mother and daughter about 13 years old arguing about what her mother would let her buy. Occasionally I would pop my head out of my dressing room and check out what the teen was wearing to see if it was inappropriate and it was fine, maybe not the style I would wear, but there was a 37-year age gap between us.  Parents stop it; if it’s not inappropriate let them develop their own style.

2) Gift Certificate to a music store- Are you getting the picture yet?  Unless you know their music taste and know exactly what they are looking for, give it up to a gift certificate. It really feels different than cash.

3) An Art Class- Pick a class that you know will excite them. This is a great gift because it may open their eyes to a new talent that they might enjoy for many years.  Get them all of the materials to keep up the hobby.

4) Special Package for their cell phones- Maybe it’s a sight to down load special rings, that they can’t afford themselves.

5) Electronics- Even though I’m into monitoring how much kids are on the computer, or in front of video games and TV, it’s a gift the will love.  Just because you buy it doesn’t mean you can’t monitor the use.

6) A Bike- a mountain or street bike is a great gift because again it opens them up to a new hobby.

7) Movie Passes- Most kids love going to the movies and this is like having free passes to good entertainment.

Bookstore Gift Card- It’s like a credit card to a book store, so they can go buy a book on their time, and not have to be with you.

9) Meditation or Yoga Class- Only if they have shown interest in either of these, or maybe it can be a second gift that you give for both of you to go together.  Use it as an added bonus gift, with something else they love.  I have been noticing a lot of teens getting into both Yoga and Meditation these days.

10) Something for their bedroom- A cool retro chair, beanbags, couch if it will fit, posters, new comforter, or go shopping together and look for cool decorations for the room.  Their bedrooms are their own special places and we need to honor that and let them decorate it the way they want.  Teens need one room in the house to express their individuality in and a space that is only theirs.

So, hopefully I have given you some ideas about great gifts to give your teens.  To end cap the first gift, not in the top ten, which was wisdom about gift giving, the best gift you can give your teen is unconditional love, and that is shown by simply allowing them to be themselves and still accepting them and loving them.

Happy shopping and enjoy your teen for being themselves in all of their uniqueness.

I hear from parents a lot that their teen has stopped talking to them and that they have become strangers living in their homes.  It is very normal for our teens to pull away and start exerting their own independence.  They are testing their own boundaries and knowledge.

What we want to do before our teens start pulling away is make sure that we have set up a platform that makes is easy for them to come to us and communicate about anything.  I read an interview about Bristol Palin regarding her pregnancy and the biggest problem that I saw was that she knew what her mother’s views where on pregnancy but it appears they were not talking about sex and pregnancy before she became pregnant.

When we only express our options and beliefs to our kids it’s not communicating. In the dictionary communicate means to exchange information.  It doesn’t mean that the conversation is one sided, someone giving their opinion. When we as parents are giving our opinions instead of communicating with our teens, it shuts them down.  If they are shut down and enter into the time when they start pulling away, you will not be one of the people they turn to for guidance.

I encourage you as parents to start the communication process at an early age. Start communicating with your kids when they are young, asking them what they think about a lot of different situations in the world.  If we wait for our kids to come to us, it may never happen.  It’s up to us to teach them how to communicate by teaching them the ease in talking to you about all subjects, nothing is off limits.  Every opportunity you get to open a conversation with your teen about anything, do it.  The topic isn’t really important, it’s the ease of communicating with your parents.  Let them have an opinion with out squashing it with yours.

So, talk about the issues on the cover of magazines, relationships, body image, hair styles, or clothes. Talk about things happening on the streets, homeless, fast food restaurants, pollution, the attitudes of peoples, whatever you see, start a conversation about it, keeping your opinions out of it.  No matter how petty the topic appears it keeps your kids talking to you and this is the key.  If you wait to start talking to your teen at age 15, your in trouble.

This is how we encourage our teen’s to start communicating with us, start early, keep our opinions out of the conversation, and let our kids explore their opinions around certain issues. I help a lot of parents develop a strong relationship with their teens and I help them mend them as well.  See what this feels like for you and let me know.

Happy communicating,
Debra

How is Valentine’s Day feeling for you?  Is it a day you look forward to because you and your partner participate in this day to make it so very special for each other, or is it a day that makes you feel like an outcast because you don’t have a partner?  I have been on both sides of the coin and it does feel strange to have a day devoted to relationships, when you are not in one.

It is wonderful to be the one giving chocolates, flowers or setting up a special night, and it is as great to be the one receiving these intimate gifts as well.  So why do we have to be in a conventional relationship to feel like we can participate in the fun of Valentine’s?  We don’t!

I remember being single and having Valentine’s Day roll around and feeling a bit odd and disconnected until I decided that I was going to give some of my close friends a Valentine’s card, a flower and host a special dinner at my house.  There are so many ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day without it looking like the traditional day of boyfriend get roses for girlfriend, girlfriend makes dinner for boyfriend and girlfriend and boyfriend cuddle next to the fire.

Here are some ideas for you if you are single and want to enjoy the Valentine’s Day celebration. Lets let our mines go wild, it can be anything you want it to be.

• Drop off a Valentine’s card to friends from an admirer, don’t let them know it you, make their day
• Send flowers to their work, from an admirer
• Host a party for friends you love and want to be your Valentine
• Host a theme party for friends, including couples
• Take flowers to a special friend, telling them you care
• Utilize this day to make the people in your life feel loved by you
• Get your friends together and do something fun, dinner or dancing

Holidays can be a wonderful opportunity to tell the people in our lives that we love them, any day is a good day for expressing our love for our loved ones. The look on their face is surprised, they hug me and tell me thank you, that it was so special to let them know. I was giving them a gift, while seeing how excited they are is really a gift for me.

So use this Valentine’s Day to step out of the box and put yourself out there to the people you love, even if you have a partner.  If you have any other ideas about making this Valentine’s Day special, please share them with me, I am always looking for fun ways to celebrate and have fun.

Why is your teen pulling away? It is a question many parents ask me.  I can totally understand their concerns because there are many reasons why your teen could be pulling away, one being the normal process of separation, the rest being possible drug use, depression or just working through their own stuff.

If it is drugs, usually other things are going on in their lives as well.  Signs to look for are declining interest in activities your teen use to enjoyed, declining school grades, and radical mood swings that seem to be about more than just teen hormones.

Teenagers are faced with a lot of different pressures, from developing into adults, to the very question of who they are and how they can fit in.  It isn’t easy to decipher between depression and your teenager starting to assert their independence.  Here is a list of symptoms of a depressed teen:

• Sleeping a lot more than usual
• Edginess, anger, or hostility
• Sadness, frequent crying, or hopelessness
• Thoughts of death or suicide, talking about it
• Difficulty concentrating,
• Lack of energy
• Withdrawing from friends
• Loss of interest in activities
• Lack of motivation and enthusiasm
• Feeling worthless and guilty

Depression and drug use come with assortment of symptoms that would be noticeably different than a teen pulling away to begin his or her own path toward independence.  If you believe it to be drug use or depression, talk to your teen about how they are feeling and seek professional help. Hopefully it’s just the normal independence pull most all teens go through.

I remember when my oldest daughter starting pulling away, my heart felt broken. We went from being very close, to her spending a lot of time in her bedroom or with friends.  I used to open the door to her bedroom and say “have you seen my daughter Amber around” and she would say exaggerated “Mom, I’m right here” and we would both giggle.  I didn’t take it personally although it felt personal.

It is a normal progression to growing up, they start to pull away to begin to see where their own boundaries are, not yours. If we try to control them with our decisions and not let them participate in making their own decisions, they are just going to shut down.  What we don’t want is for them to start figuring out how to make decisions and setting their own boundaries with no practice.

So give them a little more rope each day and keep communicating with them about the decisions they have to make, and give them some space to start figuring things out on their own.  The more you try to make decisions for them, and keep them from hanging out with their friends, the more they will shut down from you and that’s where the harmony in the household starts to dissipate.

Try not to take this personally, this isn’t about you. This about you helping your teen learn how to make good decisions and finding their own boundaries to become responsibly adults.

Good luck in raising healthy, confident and growing teens  and let me know how it is going.

“I thought she was my best friend until another girl at school told me she was flirting with my boyfriend”. 

This is just one of many comments I hear from the girls I mentor. Whether it’s flirting with your boyfriend, talking behind your back, or talking down to you, the question of the hour is always; is this what kind of friends you want?  One of the toughest things teenage girls face in school is having friends that are loyal.  It is a lonely world for those girls without loyal friends.

When I was a teenager, this topic caused me great turmoil.  It seemed that one day I had a best friend and the next day my best friend was treating me poorly and was off being someone else’s best friend, leaving me out in the cold.  The worst part about it is, that girls treating girls poorly doesn’t stop at high school.  I remember being 31 years old working for a radio station and having the same thing happened, I was good friends with one of the women and a new gal started working there, and at first we were all friends and then I was on the outs. At the time I didn’t even know how it happened.

As a parent, raising my own 2 daughters it was heartbreaking for me to see them go through this, as I know it is difficult for most parents.  So, what can we do to support our daughters through these difficult times and give them some effective tools for bringing in better friends?

What I want to do is explore the feelings around this and give some ideas to helping your teens cope better with their fragmented friendships and tools to bring in more loyal friends.

The Feelings: 

• Lonely
• Sad
• Depressed
• Angry
• Hopeless
• Confused

These feelings are real, and the more you as a parent can step into your daughter’s reality about her feelings, the more it will help.  Talk to her about her feelings around it, and just validate the feelings “I can see how you would feel that way” or “That would feel horrible”.  It won’t change her situation regarding her friendships, but she will feel heard and validated and better equipped with confidence to deal with the situation at hand.  If we can help our daughters with their level of confidence, they will automatically start having better friendships and let go of friendships easier that aren’t serving them.

The Tools:

• Have your daughter write a list of qualities she wants in a friend, this gives her something to go by when she first starts a friendship.
  
• Have her refer to the list when developing a friendship at the beginning of the friendship to spot red flags.
• Go over the list with your daughter and talk about the qualities, and why they are important.
  
• Encourage her to go to the friend that isn’t being loyal, and ask her what’s up, and see if she can work things out.  This teaches her to try to resolve issues she is having in her life.  Even if she is right back where she started, it will help her develop better tools of communication.
• Encourage her to set up guidelines with friends, ask them what they want in friendships, to discuss what friendships are.  This is a tough one even for adults; maybe you can help by starting a conversation about friendship sometime when they are hanging out at your house.
• Let your daughter know that if friends aren’t treating her right, that it isn’t about her, she has done nothing wrong, as long as she hasn’t.
  
• Explain to her that it is usually insecurity that makes girls behave this way.
• Help her spot insecure behaviors: cutting you down, leaving you out, flirting with your boyfriends, talking badly behind your back, flirting with all guys excessively, not keeping her word, lying to you.
• Teach her how to listen to her intuition, if she feels off or she contracts at all around certain friends, help her explore those feelings.
  

These teenage years are difficult enough without close friends; give your daughter a beautiful gift by helping her explore her feelings around this touchy topic.  A close friendship with someone they can trust and share their feelings with is so important during these teenage years.  It is actually important for girls of all ages to have friendship that are loyal. By helping her at a young age, she will learn to develop strong friendships throughout her life.

In exploring this with your daughter it also strengthens your relationship with her, so it is a great gift for both of you. Let me know your opinions about this topic and if this helps at all.