Is she Really a Friend or Not!
“I thought she was my best friend until another girl at school told me she was flirting with my boyfriend”.
This is just one of many comments I hear from the girls I mentor. Whether it’s flirting with your boyfriend, talking behind your back, or talking down to you, the question of the hour is always; is this what kind of friends you want? One of the toughest things teenage girls face in school is having friends that are loyal. It is a lonely world for those girls without loyal friends.
When I was a teenager, this topic caused me great turmoil. It seemed that one day I had a best friend and the next day my best friend was treating me poorly and was off being someone else’s best friend, leaving me out in the cold. The worst part about it is, that girls treating girls poorly doesn’t stop at high school. I remember being 31 years old working for a radio station and having the same thing happened, I was good friends with one of the women and a new gal started working there, and at first we were all friends and then I was on the outs. At the time I didn’t even know how it happened.
As a parent, raising my own 2 daughters it was heartbreaking for me to see them go through this, as I know it is difficult for most parents. So, what can we do to support our daughters through these difficult times and give them some effective tools for bringing in better friends?
What I want to do is explore the feelings around this and give some ideas to helping your teens cope better with their fragmented friendships and tools to bring in more loyal friends.
The Feelings:
- Lonely
- Sad
- Depressed
- Angry
- Hopeless
- Confused
These feelings are real, and the more you as a parent can step into your daughter’s reality about her feelings, the more it will help. Talk to her about her feelings around it, and just validate the feelings “I can see how you would feel that way” or “That would feel horrible”. It won’t change her situation regarding her friendships, but she will feel heard and validated and better equipped with confidence to deal with the situation at hand. If we can help our daughters with their level of confidence, they will automatically start having better friendships and let go of friendships easier that aren’t serving them.
The Tools:
- Have your daughter write a list of qualities she wants in a friend, this gives her something to go by when she first starts a friendship.
- Have her refer to the list when developing a friendship at the beginning of the friendship to spot red flags.
- Go over the list with your daughter and talk about the qualities, and why they are important.
- Encourage her to go to the friend that isn’t being loyal, and ask her what’s up, and see if she can work things out. This teaches her to try to resolve issues she is having in her life. Even if she is right back where she started, it will help her develop better tools of communication.
- Encourage her to set up guidelines with friends, ask them what they want in friendships, to discuss what friendships are. This is a tough one even for adults; maybe you can help by starting a conversation about friendship sometime when they are hanging out at your house.
- Let your daughter know that if friends aren’t treating her right, that it isn’t about her, she has done nothing wrong, as long as she hasn’t.
- Explain to her that it is usually insecurity that makes girls behave this way.
- Help her spot insecure behaviors: cutting you down, leaving you out, flirting with your boyfriends, talking badly behind your back, flirting with all guys excessively, not keeping her word, lying to you.
- Teach her how to listen to her intuition, if she feels off or she contracts at all around certain friends, help her explore those feelings.
These teenage years are difficult enough without close friends; give your daughter a beautiful gift by helping her explore her feelings around this touchy topic. A close friendship with someone they can trust and share their feelings with is so important during these teenage years. It is actually important for girls of all ages to have friendship that are loyal. By helping her at a young age, she will learn to develop strong friendships throughout her life.
In exploring this with your daughter it also strengthens your relationship with her, so it is a great gift for both of you. Let me know your opinions about this topic and if this helps at all.