It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen.  I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea  to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.

Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents.  Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host.  I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well.  My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter.  For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.

Parenting Q & A

• Q: Why is my teen not talking to me?  A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with.  Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open.  Let them know that you are here for them and love them.  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
• Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
• Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not.  So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
• Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you.  Watch what you say about your own body.  Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.

In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other.  Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are.  If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply.  Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.

If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!

Are we victims or do we take responsibility for are own stuff? Here is an exurb from my book about being a victim.

Sometimes we feel like victims because we are not willing to accept responsibility for ourselves and our actions. It is impossible to have self-esteem if you are powerless. VICTIMS ARE POWERLESS! Let me explain. If you never admit that anything is your fault or believe you don’t have control over some situation in your life, how are you ever going to make any changes in yourself? If you think it is always someone else’s fault, then other people actually control what happens to you in your life. That sounds pretty scary to me. Make no mistake; you don’t have the power to change what anyone else does. You only have the power to change what you do. Here is a story I want to share with you.

I was sitting outside one night with my fourteen daughter and her friend Karen. Karen was visibly upset, and when I asked her what was going on, this is the story she told:

A few weeks ago,” Karen said, “I was at a guy’s house with a few friends and he asked me if I wanted to go down to the basement to talk. I was a little nervous, but I went down anyway and immediately he started kissing me, and he wouldn’t stop. I pushed him away and told him to let me go back upstairs, but he wouldn’t let me go. I kept struggling while he continued to kiss me. He yelled at me, “Why did you come downstairs in the first place?” I finally got away from him and ran back upstairs. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe he did that to me.

After Karen finished her story, I asked her if she thought there was anything she could have done that would have prevented the situation. Karen’s answer was that there wasn’t anything she could have done because he was older and stronger. So Karen, in this situation, decided to remain a victim. “He did it to me.” She was powerless because she believed there was nothing she could do. That’s a pretty scary place to be in life. That same situation could keep happening. In Karen’s mind, the only way to change the situation would be to change everybody else’s actions. How hard would that be? IMPOSSIBLE! You can’t change other people. That’s correct, but you can change yourself. As long as Karen believed she was a victim, this same kind of situation could keep happening to her. She really believed that she had no choice.

I talked to Karen about that nervous feeling, her uneasiness before going downstairs. Karen’s uneasiness was her intuition (her “inner voice”) letting her know she might be entering into a situation that wasn’t good for her. Sometimes that voice is so subtle, you have to listen carefully in order to hear it. When I asked her if she had listened to that voice and not gone downstairs with the guy, would that have prevented the whole situation? Her answer was, “Yes, yes it would have.” Then why had she gone down anyway? She said because she wanted him to like her. I asked her why she needed him to like her. Karen thought for a moment and then she shrugged her shoulders and said that she didn’t know why.

“Karen, do you like yourself?” I asked her. “Sometimes,” was her reply to me. “If you had more confidence and were more secure with who you are, would it have made it easier to say ‘no’? Would saying ‘No thanks, I’m going to hang with my friends’ have been easier for you?” Karen paused as she thought this over. Finally she smiled her beautiful smile and said, “I guess if I liked myself, it wouldn’t matter if anyone else liked me. I wouldn’t have to do things to get people to like me.” I told her the guy probably would have respected her for being confident.

Having confidence and satisfaction in oneself equals SELF- ESTEEM.

The biggest discovery for Karen was that she didn’t need to be a victim, and that she had the power to keep herself out of uncomfortable situations. Knowing that she didn’t have to be a victim gave Karen back her inner strength. Remember, before we talked there was nothing she thought she could have done. She was a powerless victim. Afterward, Karen was shining with power. She was excited with her new found strength. Listen to your inner voice. Be honest with yourself, and don’t do things that make you feel uneasy.

In most all situations, we have the power to make choices in our life that can affect us either negatively or positively.  The most important thing to do, is listen to that inner voice we all have. Even if it’s a tiny little voice saying “I don’t know about this”, pay attention to it. You don’t need to have that inner voice validated with the answers why you shouldn’t,  just know that your intuition is guiding you, and it always guides you in the right direction.  So start paying attention to that voice and start making decisions that are good for you and stop giving your power away.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a great story to tell about being a victim or not.

After writing my blog on Friday about the Random Acts of Kindness, this website called We The World, A United World posted my blog on the Clothing exchange. That was a nice surprise but more importantly it’s an amazing website about passing it forward.  As I was scrolling through I came upon this list of 100 ways for teens to make a difference in your community.

Through service, teens can be active agents of positive change in their communities. But figuring out how to get started in service can be intimidating for teens. The reactions can range from thinking there’s nothing productive to be done, to being overwhelmed with all the possibilities.

Involving the teens in creating a list of service activities, small and large, can help put the possibilities into the proper perspective. The following list, created by Youth Service America, can be a starting point for teens to create lists relevant to their own community’s needs.

100 Ways To Make A Difference In Your Community

Nothing makes me feel as good as I feel when I participate in a random act of kindness, or any act of kindness for that matter.  Last night I was preparing for a clothing exchange with about 15 girls. There was this black sweat pant outfit with a jacket with beautiful embroidery on both that a friend had given to me, that I was contemplating taking it to exchange.  The sweat suit was a little to small for me, but I was crazy about it. This wasn’t your typical sweatsuit by the way, the embroidery was fantastic.  I kept trying it on, thinking that I would wear it someday.  So, as I was looking through my closet, picking the clothes to take, there the sweatsuit is staring at me, and I have to make a decision.  After long deliberation, I put it in my pile to take.

Integrity is having an uprightness of character or action. It implies trustworthiness.

We know our code of honor; we know when we show a lack of integrity–in other words, when we are not trustworthy.

Do we like people who don’t have Integrity? When our friends lie to us, do we think it is okay?  This seems like a very basic quality we should learn when we are younger, but somehow it misses the boat.

It is very important to develop integrity within oneself. When we lie, cheat, steal or deceive, we hurt ourselves. We damage our self esteem. We never want to do something that makes us view our self as someone without integrity.  How can we like people who lack integrity? You, yourself, don’t like those kinds of people, so make sure that you aren’t one.  Everything always comes down to liking yourself, so you can love yourself, so you can have confidence and be happy.

People treat us differently when they can not trust us.  They don’t open up to us, therefore we prevent close relationships from happening in our lives.  People are afraid of sharing personal information with us, so this only allows a very shallow friendship.

It is so much nicer to be able to have close relationships that we can share our dreams, our upsets and our fears with, knowing that they will honor us, by keeping that information to themselves and not sharing or gossiping with others about it.

If we want friendship with people that have integrity, we have to have integrity, that is just the way the world works.  If you lie to your friends, they will never believe your words, again it will be impossible to trust you, therefore limiting your
relationship.

If we are doing things that hurt other people, and yes lying, cheating, and being dishonest indeed hurts others, and guess what, it hurts us too.  When we are people we don’t like, it damages our self esteem.  We become people we don’t like and if we are people we don’t like, our sense of self suffers.

When we have low self esteem, we tend to make everyday decisions in our life through that space instead of a confident place.  Can you see how that could affect our life?  Because the decisions we make, create the life we live.  So, if we are out there making bad decisions, how do you think our life will look?  Take a moment and think about it.

It’s safe to say that having Integrity is important, it is a part of who you are.  So, in looking at who you are or who you want to be, think about: do you have integrity?

Eleanor Roosevelt - “I have learned long ago to possess my soul in patience and accept the inevitable.”

Four weeks ago I stepped off of a chair in my house and landed on a piece of wood that was sticking up from my wood floor…OUCH!  I pulled out this 1 1/2 inch piece of wood out of my foot and began the inspection to make sure that I had pulled it all out.  It look good, nice and clean and free of any other particles, so I thought.

Two days later I’m still unable to walk, and so goes the story.  Three Doctor trips later their telling me there is not much they can do that there is a piece still in there and just soak it and let it work it’s way out itself.  Three weeks later, I am still unable to walk and my foot is feeling an unusual amount of pain.  Doctor’s still say “keep soaking it and hopefully it will work it’s way out”.  I soak, I squeeze, and put ointment on and tell myself that walking is over-rated.

Four weeks later I’m feeling like I’m a bit crazy and I tell my boyfriend that it is never going to come out, and have a mini breakdown.  He says in his positive, sweet voice “It just needs to do it in it’s own time”.  I leer at him and tell him that it’s been plenty enough time and I call my Doctor again and tell his Nurse that I need to come in, yet again, but this time I want him to lance it and take it out.  she says she will have him call me. Enough is enough, I’m over it, and waiting for it to work it’s way out.

That night I am doing my regular routine, I’m soaking it and I am squeezing it, and as I am squeezing it, I am again telling my boyfriend that it’s never going to come out and I’m just going to cover it and forget about it.  And the most amazing thing happened it popped it’s head out to prove me wrong.  I was shocked to say the least, wow there it was, I grabbed it and begin to pull it out and I was shocked again by how long it was, a little more than 1/2 inch long, no wonder it took 4 weeks to work it way out.

In my life I am always looking at the lessons that always seem to be near by if I will give them the attention they so deserve.  This was a big one.

Lessons:

1) Everything will work it’s self out in it’s own time
2) It doesn’t matter if you need it sooner
3) As long as you are taking the action required to aid it’s process, that’s all you can do
4) Thinking negativity may not help the process
5) Having a piece of wood in your foot really hurts
6) And sometimes it’s a good idea to listen to the people that love you

So, take a deep breath, and breathe in “Patience, Understanding, and Unconditional Love for yourself” and know that we are doing the best that we can do.

Have you ever been in an argument with your teen, and when it was over, you felt completely beaten down? You may have felt weak, tired or anxious. You might even have had physical symptoms of pain, such as a stomachache.

At times like this, the conversation seems more like a boxing match. After only three rounds, you feel like you’re about to drop. Then comes round four.  Your teen says, “Come on, Mom, you’re so old fashioned.”  At round five it’s: “Everyone else is going.” Then comes round six: “Angie’s mom is so cool. Why can’t you be like her?” followed by round seven: “I hate you! I can’t wait to get out of here!” That’s the knockout punch. The conversation is over.

How do you stop an argument with your teen from spinning out of control? No matter what the issue, it seems that you wind up in the same place, over and over.  It’s a no-win scenario, leaving both parties near death. No one feels good when the battle is over, even if one party gets his or her way.

I believe there are two points of view that will solve this dilemma. First, both parties have a right to their opinion, and second, both parties have a right to have boundaries. If both of these issues are honored, then the discussion will play out quite differently.

Let’s take a closer look at the first point: both parties have a right to their opinion. This perspective requires stepping into the other person’s reality and taking a look at the situation from their point of view before reacting. It is trying to develop compassion by understanding what the other person is going through. Stepping into their teenager’s shoes is particularly hard for parents to do because they feel that they know better. And maybe they do. But teens learn from their own experiences, not from what their parents have learned.

This does not mean that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. It means that they should be allowed to express themselves and to explore the options.

A good strategy for you as a parent is to ask your teen a lot of questions about the issue, request or situation. It helps to understand why your teen is wanting what he or she wants. Then the two of you can look at the pros and cons of the choices. What this approach does is to turn a potential argument into a discussion.

If a battle breaks out anyway and you find yourself in what I call a “spinning class”—going nowhere fast—and your teen is throwing one punch after another, it’s time to move into “setting boundaries.” It’s time to stop engaging. Set a boundary and do not discuss the topic anymore.  Change the subject, ignore the comments and walk away.

It’s hard to simply walk away when someone is yelling mean things at you. But if there is no one to engage in an argument, the battle stops. First, you must be calm. Then set the boundary. You might say, “I am not going to discuss this with you anymore. This is what it is, and the discussion is over.” Then do not discuss it anymore, do not justify your position. When you get into explaining your decision, you open it back up for discussion. Parents tend to want to justify themselves because they don’t want to feel bad about their teen not liking them.  You have to be okay with your teen not always liking you.

So first put yourselves in your teen’s shoes to truly understand his or her point of view and so that your teen will feel heard. If the conversation still goes sour, set a boundary.  Your teen will more willingly adhere to your rules after feeling heard.  Although your relationship with your teen might get worse before it gets better, eventually it will shift.  And when it does, it will be a win-win situation.  You just have to be the first one to get out of the rink.

Let me know how this works for you, I have had a lot of success with it in my mentoring.

Hey Teens, summer is just around the corner and for those of you that are going to enter the wonderful world of working for a living (or maybe just working for next years school clothes and having fun). Here are some job ideas.  I did a blog last year regarding summer jobs for teens.  I am big advocate of entrepreneurialship, working for yourself.  There are so many ways to create jobs for yourself, and make more money, I’m not quite sure why you would work for someone else.

It is also going to be tougher this year to get a job, because of the current economic situation we are in. Those jobs that teens usually go for during the summer might well be taken by someone else that has lost his job.  So that’s what makes creating your own job even more appealing.

When I look at the typical job for teens today like fast food restaurant, I think there must be a better way.

Besides working with Teen’s and being an author, I have owned a few businesses. I love being my own boss, because I get to do things my way, it’s a great learning experience and best of all my hard work pay off, goes to me.  Of course you may have some small start up costs, and costs of doing business, but then the rest is yours.

So here are some great business ideas for teens:

•    Web Consultant- most teens I know have a way with computers and most adults I know struggle with it. Help them set up and manage Social Networking Sites (My Space, etc.
•    Nanny- if you like kids and your good with them, kids are out of school during the    summer, but parents still have to work.
•    Dog Walker or Pet sitting- I’m always looking for someone to help me with my animals. I pay $35.00 to $50.00 a night.

•    Dog Washer- if someone had a service on a Saturday or anytime where I could just drop in and have my dos washed I would love it.  All you need is water towels, dog shampoo and a location. I think if you charged $12.00 for a small dog, $16.00 for a medium, and $20.00 for a large dog, people would do it all day long.

• Car Detailing- with a few supplies and a knowledge of what is clean and what is not, you could wash, wax, clean vents, and vacuuming right at their homes
• Errand running- there are a lot of elderly people and people that are very business that need help, just running errands or helping around the house with odd jobs.
• Cleaning Service- if you have a sense of what is clean and what is not, this is a great business.
Most of the time the people buy the cleaning products and you just go clean.
• Tutoring- tutor a younger teen or child while going through summer school or with subjects they are having difficulty with. Parents love this one.
• Small business assistant- I used to always get teens to help me with different jobs for my business. They would come for 2 hours a day and I would have things like shredding, bookwork, cleaning, organizing inventory, so many things.

So, get a  plan together, and start preparing now because summer is almost here. Get the  supplies you need, how many hours it will take, how much you are going to charge, who are you going to call, make a flyer, post it, tell all of your parents friends, and ask if they know anyone that needs your help.  I think working is a lot more fun, when you are your own boss, so go have some fun and make some money and let me know how it goes.