I have been reading a lot of different articles about over-parenting or “helicopter parenting” and thought it might be a topic that warrants a discussion.  I believe that if parents are always there to pick up the pieces or make all the decisions in the kids life, they rob them of most of their growth experiences.

How do we learn and grow?  We learn and grow from doing, from having to figure things out, not without guidance I might add.  If as parents we are guiding our children instead of making all of their decisions or running to fix everything, there is a better chance of learning that is present.  Think about it, if we as parents are always making the decisions for our kids without their input about what they think is the right way, they will always need are input.  As parents we want to help them develop the skills they need to become independent, happy adults. Isn’t this our job?

The only way to get good at something is to practice, practice, practice. Instead of making the decisions for them or automatically fixing what they have messed up, we ask for their input.  Ask them how they would fix this or handle that, and ask them why. The idea is to get them to explore why one way or another would work better.  During this exploration, keep your opinions to yourself and just keep asking questions.  This allows them the opportunity to explore their feelings and thoughts around the issue. It helps them develop the skills of making good decisions.  If we are constantly making these decisions for them how will they ever learn?  Off to college they go, and you are no where to be found and they have the decision making skills of a 4 year old.  You can only guess what the outcome will be, it’s not pretty.  The problem is two fold; you have been holding them so tight for so long that they break out and do things they might not necessarily do if they had been given more freedom and developed better tools to make good decisions. Then there’s the fact that they simple don’t have any tools because you never taught them, you thought it was better to make the decisions for them.

When we allow our kids to participate in the decision making process we help them learn how to make decisions, it’s really simply. If we make the decisions for them , they don’t learn.  Maybe in the beginning of this process they will think certain decisions are good and you will think they are crazy. That’s when we keep asking questions.  The more questions asked the better chance they will have of figuring things out.

I also encourage you as parents to explore in yourself why you have these fears surrounding your kids making bad decisions.  Yes, I know, they might make a mistake, a really bad mistake.  This is why talking to them and guiding them is so important. The mistake can either be made under your guidance or as an adult without you around. This is where our journey comes in, as parents we are on our own journeys that our kids actions are helping us figure out our life. Really look at your fears, that contribute to your controlling behavior.

Yes, the fear is real that they will do something really stupid that will affect their lives, but we can’t let our fears about something that might happen rule our lives.  The more we participate in guiding them, the better they will get at making good decisions and the less you will need to monitor their ever move.  So, be open to looking at your behavior around your fears and start letting go, so you can guide your kids and have them be able to receive your guidance easier.  When our opinions are force fed to our kids they will resist them, when they feel they are a part of the process, it feels like it is their decision.  See how that could make a difference?

So, enjoy guiding your kids to become independent happy kids, and let me know how it goes, or your opinion about this.

Thanks & Happy Parenting, Debra

In our attempt to be connected with our kids, friends, co-workers or family, do cell phones disconnected us to the person right next to us?

How many times have you seen a group of people together  but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones.  Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?

Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.

How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens?  Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.

It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone.  Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with.  Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.

It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?

So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them.  Here are a few tips.

1)  Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2)  If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3)  Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4)  Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5)  Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6)  Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7)  No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents

Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.

If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them.  There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra

One day a year we sit with our family and friends and express how thankful we are.  Doesn’t this seem a bit absurd that once a year we do this because of the tradition?  When I bring gratitude into my daily life, it seems to feel better on all levels.  Yes, Thanksgiving is a great time to be with family and friends and bring gratitude to the forefront of our lives, but why not everyday.

Here are Ten Tips to helping yourself and your teens be grateful:

1)  Talk to your teens about the less fortunate
2)  At dinner, have everyone express one thing they are grateful for, everyday
3)  Don’t give your teens everything they want
4)  Make your teens work for some of their things
5)  Teach them about being a team and helping around the house, for nothing in return
6)  When they say thank you, tell them how much you appreciate their gratitude
7)  When doing menial jobs, look at the silver lining in it and what you have to be grateful around it
8)  Set an example by showing gratitude
9)  When your teen shows sigh of entitlement, have a conversation around it
10) Live in the moment and realize that everything is a lesson to be learned

I hope these tips help you feel more grateful and you help your teens be more grateful.  And on that note I want to thank everyone for tuning into my blog and giving such great feed back. Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter for more fun stuff.