I have been reading a lot of different articles about over-parenting or “helicopter parenting” and thought it might be a topic that warrants a discussion.  I believe that if parents are always there to pick up the pieces or make all the decisions in the kids life, they rob them of most of their growth experiences.

How do we learn and grow?  We learn and grow from doing, from having to figure things out, not without guidance I might add.  If as parents we are guiding our children instead of making all of their decisions or running to fix everything, there is a better chance of learning that is present.  Think about it, if we as parents are always making the decisions for our kids without their input about what they think is the right way, they will always need are input.  As parents we want to help them develop the skills they need to become independent, happy adults. Isn’t this our job?

The only way to get good at something is to practice, practice, practice. Instead of making the decisions for them or automatically fixing what they have messed up, we ask for their input.  Ask them how they would fix this or handle that, and ask them why. The idea is to get them to explore why one way or another would work better.  During this exploration, keep your opinions to yourself and just keep asking questions.  This allows them the opportunity to explore their feelings and thoughts around the issue. It helps them develop the skills of making good decisions.  If we are constantly making these decisions for them how will they ever learn?  Off to college they go, and you are no where to be found and they have the decision making skills of a 4 year old.  You can only guess what the outcome will be, it’s not pretty.  The problem is two fold; you have been holding them so tight for so long that they break out and do things they might not necessarily do if they had been given more freedom and developed better tools to make good decisions. Then there’s the fact that they simple don’t have any tools because you never taught them, you thought it was better to make the decisions for them.

When we allow our kids to participate in the decision making process we help them learn how to make decisions, it’s really simply. If we make the decisions for them , they don’t learn.  Maybe in the beginning of this process they will think certain decisions are good and you will think they are crazy. That’s when we keep asking questions.  The more questions asked the better chance they will have of figuring things out.

I also encourage you as parents to explore in yourself why you have these fears surrounding your kids making bad decisions.  Yes, I know, they might make a mistake, a really bad mistake.  This is why talking to them and guiding them is so important. The mistake can either be made under your guidance or as an adult without you around. This is where our journey comes in, as parents we are on our own journeys that our kids actions are helping us figure out our life. Really look at your fears, that contribute to your controlling behavior.

Yes, the fear is real that they will do something really stupid that will affect their lives, but we can’t let our fears about something that might happen rule our lives.  The more we participate in guiding them, the better they will get at making good decisions and the less you will need to monitor their ever move.  So, be open to looking at your behavior around your fears and start letting go, so you can guide your kids and have them be able to receive your guidance easier.  When our opinions are force fed to our kids they will resist them, when they feel they are a part of the process, it feels like it is their decision.  See how that could make a difference?

So, enjoy guiding your kids to become independent happy kids, and let me know how it goes, or your opinion about this.

Thanks & Happy Parenting, Debra

This entry was posted on Monday, November 30th, 2009 at 4:50 pm and is filed under General, Self Development, Teen issues, parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.