Our teenagers will never know how much heart-ache we as parents go through until they are parents themselves one day.  With every incident that makes them shed a tear our heart breaks.  Here is an e-mail from a parent experiencing just what I am talking about.

I recently went online to do some research to see if I could get some insight on what to do,  due soley to the fact that my daughter, 13, has been going through some tough times with self-esteem issues, especially with her looks.  Of course I am her Mom, but I, as well as everyone else around her, can see she is very intelligent, athletic, and just a beautiful girl inside and out.  She also has some very nice friends, with whom she sees on a regular basis. The problem is she just does not see for herself all of her wonderful qualities.  It is a tough age, and I remember very well going through this myself at a young age and I am concerned.  I think it is harder now, as a Mom, to watch.

One night recently, I went into my daughter’s bedroom to tell her goodnight and I found her crying. I asked her if we could talk.  The reason had to do with a party that a girl she does not know very well is having but my daughter did not get invited, even though some of her other friends did.  She immediately attributed this to how she looks.  I asked her to try to look at things from a different viewpoint and find the best way to remain positive for herself. (maybe the girl’s mom limited her number of guests etc..)

This is a very difficult thing and it is all-consuming sometimes.  I try not to smother her with my advice but just be there for her always (and it is even hard for me to find the right way to handle this sometimes.

Does this feel and sound familiar parents?  It sure hit home with me.  It’s tricky to do and say the right things and leave your teen feeling good about themselves.  I talk to parents all the time expressing their concern and empathy for their teens.  Here’s the thing, even with a connected relationship with your daughter your not always going to do and say the right thing and have it received with open arms.  All I can say is keep trying, open your heart real wide and then jump into their reality and feel their pain.  Then and only then can you truly support your daughter.  Just keep being there for her with your open heart, without any judgments, just with your love for her and I promise she has a better chance of figuring things out.

When we witness our own words and feelings in front of someone who loves us unconditionally, with someone standing in a place of love, we figure things out.  So parents, Word Up…if you’re not already doing this explore how it feels when you try it on. Settle into your heart, step into her reality and listen from that place, see what it does for her and also see how it feels to you.  I really got from this mother’s e-mail that she was so standing in her daughter’s reality and in her heart space. Try this in all of your relationships, it feels so good.

Let me know how it feels.

I was talking to a woman the other night that just turned 5o-years-old and she was telling how hard it was for her to get older.  That she use to get all this attention from men and now “Nothing”.   She started beating herself up about how her looks were changing and she didn’t like it.  She mentioned the cellulite on the back of her legs, the wrinkles on her face, and her lacking of breast size.  I asked her how many times a day she makes a comment inside her head or out loud about the issues she sees as defects on her body?  Before she answered she said something else to beat herself up about her body and then said about a million.

The odd thing about this is that she is the norm, most girls and women make an obscene amount of negative comments about their bodies everyday, it’s sad but true.  I told her that I too have self-esteem issues and I work on overcoming this everyday, every minute and every second of each day of my life.  The difference between her and myself is that I am conscious about how damaging the beatings are day in and day out. Instead of staying in that place of constant negative comments, I immediately go to the healing part and create a positive space for the healing of those wounds.

I asked her to pretend she had  a 5-year-old daughter, and now picture yourself following her around all day long making negative comments about her body.  “Are you gaining weight, you look so fat,  your nose is crooked, we need to fix that, try not to smile so wide your teeth are a little crooked, your hair looks like crap today, maybe you shouldn’t go out”.  Day in and day out you are beating her up about her imperfections, every time she is feeling joyful you make a comment.  This is what we do to our self all day long, some of us even dream about ourselves negatively.

I explained to her what I do to overcome the negative beating , and it looks like this.  First I have pictures of myself around when I was 3, 5 7, and 13-years-old.

Every time I have a negative thought I look at the picture of that precious little girl, so full of love and life and tell her how amazing she is and how grateful I am for having this body that is getting me around. Letting me exercise, taking a walk with my dogs and even just tying my shoes.  I stand in gratitude for what it is doing for me and how lucky I am.

I also have stopped buying into the media, thinking that those bodies are real and that it is so important to have a perfect body.  I remind myself constantly why I am here, the bigger picture of my life, to be a part of the world in a much larger way.  That I am here learning through my life and what my body looks like plays no part in that. I am my essence, my insides, not my body.

So parents, share this with your teens and children, and if you are berating yourself about your body hang ups, stop it and practice this method to allow yourself to have compassion for your little girl.  Even though you are older the beatings still feel as hurtful.  Here are a few tips on how to help yourself and your teen have a good sense of self.
Exchange your negative thoughts for empowering one about your body.  “I am strong in my body”.
Acknowledge yourself  for your strengths and achievements.
Try looking at life differently, why are we here?
Don’t buy into the media, it isn’t real.
Keep pictures of your little girl around to learn how to have compassion for her (yourself).
Focus on the things you love about yourself.
Catch yourself judging others and know that you are really standing in judgment of yourself when you do that.
Hang around people that treat you well and encourage you to be your best.
Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
Don’t beat yourself up over the mistakes you make, learn from them and move on.
Love yourself for being you, the one and only you.

I hope this helps, parents and helps you help your teens.  If we start now learning how to strengthen that self-esteem muscle, it will be strong when we turn 50-years-old and we can spend our time making a difference in the world instead of concentrating on what is wrong with us.  Let me know what you think and how you rate your self-esteem.

Thanks for participating and keep loving yourself,

First I have to show you pictures of my new kitty, and tell you that I have been looking for another kitty for 8 years.  Yes, 8 years!  My last cat Phil was taken, we think by an owl, here in Sedona, and I haven’t been able to find a kitten that fills his shoes…until now.  His name is Milo Mouse.

Doesn’t he look like a Mouse? Seriously I have been looking at the Human Society for a kitty for 8 years, and just when the moments is right, Milo shows up.  I have 2 dogs Jack and Maggie, that are getting up there in age.

This is Jack, very photogenic, Maggie on the other hand will not let us take pictures of her, she is a beautiful Gorden Setter mix.  Anyway, Jack was at the Doctors the other day and gave us a scare, he’s alright but needless to say while I was in this scare,  I went to the Human Society and guess who was there, yes Milo Mouse.  I knew immediately he was coming home with me.

This little kitty has brought so much more life into our home, which is hard to do because we are a home of love and light to begin with, so I was shocked at how things shifted.  First of all,  he is a blast, and so much fun to have around, ask Jack. Jack is a 12-year-old Lab, and he has a new lease on life. Jack is acting like a puppy again, and Maggie too, she won’t tell us how much she loves Milo, we can just tell.

I share my story with you because I feel that animals are an important part of kids life, they learn so much from having them around. They learn caring, patience, kindness, loyalty, tolerance and most important love.  I have always had animals in my life and have learned so much about myself through them.  We learn from everyone and everything around us, don’t negate anything.

Scientists have discovered, animals have healing powers. When you stroke a cat or pet a dog, you experience a surge of healing hormones and chemicals that produce feelings of peace and serenity.

Let me know how your animals effect your life, and if you’re thinking about getting more.

How often do you look in your kids eyes and tell them you love them?  Looking back on my childhood, I don’t remember ever being told I was loved.  I was in a conversation with a friend and I we were talking about telling our kids that we love them and I told her that I didn’t remember ever being told.  We both admitted that it was so sad that first my parents obviously couldn’t express their love for me and second that I never heard it from them.

It’s so important to not just tell our kids we love them but for them to feel how much we love them. Oddly enough you would think that because I was never told, that I would do the same thing with my children. It was the opposite, I told them all the time, not just with my words, but with my heart.  I still do, and my girls are 33 and 34-years-old. I also express my love to my grandson, and he tells me he loves me too.

I want the people in my life to feel my love for them, and not just my immediate family.  I want my friends to know how much I love them as well.  This leads me to then look at my life and if I am living from my heart or living in a place of fear.  If I am not expressing my love for the people in my life, the question I ask myself is why?  There can be many reasons, one of the biggest being…I’m afraid they won’t receive my love and they won’t love me back.

So, lets look at that fear; what if they don’t receive, does that change my love for them? No! What if they don’t love me back, does that change my love for them? No!  Can I continue to give love unconditionally is really the question here. Can I love you if you don’t show love back? Of course I can, and I will as long as I don’t allow my fears to get in the way.  This is how I want to live my life, through my heart.  This means that I stand in an open heart even when the people in my life aren’t acting like they love me, and I say acting because I know they love me, they are just having a hard time walking through their fears to show me.

If I don’t allow my fears to get in the way of my loving openly, then it will make it easier for the people in my life to do the same.  If we are vulnerable and loving, it’s hard for others in our life to not be the same way.  So, go out and practice loving with your heart open and be okay with being a bit vulnerable. You will be amazed at the shifts in your relationships through this loving.  When I am loving like this, I feel full and happy and believe it or not my energy level is so much higher also. Try it and see how you feel and let me know what it’s like to live in your heart.