There are a ton of reasons why we have low self esteem, and when I say we I mean all of us. I have never met a teen or an adult with high self esteem. The only people I have met with high self esteem are little people below the ages of 5-years-old. Something happens to us when we start going to school, this is where the judgments start and we get put down for being ourselves. This is also the time when parents start possibly pushing their kids to be a certain way also.
Have you noticed how little kids behave? They sing and dance in front of everyone and could care less what they think. They don’t care if they have good voices, if they have been professional trained in dance, they just sing and dance. As adults we are looking outside ourselves for validation if we are good or bad. My oldest daughter is great about this, if someone says can you sing, can you dance, she says absolutely. She dances and sings and doesn’t care if it looks or sounds good. I love that, it’s so childlike. Check out this video, it’s the best.
The goal here is to stay childlike, in our adulthood. Why do we care what others think? Why because we have grown up thinking that the barometer is outside of ourselves instead of inside. Why would we trust someone else to tell us we are good at something instead of listening to ourselves. Also who is the judge of what is good and what is bad. Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Is my voice good or is it bad? Are my clothes okay? Who or what tells us we are okay or not? And more importantly, why are we listening.
I give you a challenge this week to do things that might make you look ridiculous, because if you are being ridiculous, you are probably being childlike. Really push yourself, wear something that you would want to wear but you think people might judge you for it. Sing in front of your family or dance. See how they react. Our self esteem is lacking because we aren’t looking at our essence, we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of others. Try doing something different this week. Step out there and be the real you and let go of the judgments that might come in, like they don’t matter…because they don’t matter. Good luck and let me know how it feels.
Something I was confronted with as a parent of a teen was them treating me like I was invincible. Their behavior sometimes came across like I wasn’t human. I think as parents we do this to ourselves by acting like we are super-human, and we do no wrong. I could handle anything, the house needed moving, put it on my back, no problem. I think our teens need to know they can come to us and we can help, but this doesn’t mean we know everything. It could mean that if we don’t have the answers, we will get them. I think it’s great that we develop safety with our kids and to do this they have to trust our abilities but not at the cost of putting a big divider between us.
Vulnerability creates deeper relationships! When people including our kids see that we aren’t perfect and we are honest about our downfalls, they have compassion for us. Compassion breeds closer relationships with people that care about us. This is especially important for our teens because they learn about honesty, compassion and relationship through their relationship with their parents first and then they use what they learn on their peers.
I remember being vulnerable with a friend of mine and crying, while asking for help and he said he had no idea that I would ever need help because I always acted so together and self-assured. Now, confidence is great, don’t get me wrong but if the people around us think we don’t ever need them and we don’t have feelings, they will never share when they need us because they don’t want to appear weak.
The day I started admitting to my girls that I too was learning through my mistakes and that parenting wasn’t an exact science, they started treating me like I was human. Go figure! If you act sub-human, people are going to treat you sub-human. It’s a fine line with your teens, you don’t want to be a puddle of tears all the time, because then they will start treating you like your broken and they don’t want to break you further.
One way of being vulnerable with your teens is admitting when you are wrong. When you are wrong, you know it and so do they, so admit it. When you do this you will find a different relationship between you and your teen. They will start admitting when they are wrong and then you will have the power to help them change things in themselves that aren’t serving them. If no one admits their wrong, then there is no room for improvement. That goes for you too parents. I know it doesn’t feel natural to admit you’re wrong and you’re trying to improve yourself, but guess what…it helps your kids learn the basics about learning and evolving into a better person.
Try it on and let me know how it feels and mostly what your results are. We are all growing, evolving human beings, no matter what are age.
Hi everyone, this was a blog from last year that I think is important for teens looking for summer jobs. Pass this along to your teen, parents.
Hey Teens, summer is just around the corner and for those of you that are going to enter the wonderful world of working for a living (or maybe just working for next years school clothes and having fun). Here are some job ideas. I did a blog last year regarding summer jobs for teens. I am big advocate of entrepreneurialship, working for yourself. There are so many ways to create jobs for yourself, and make more money, I’m not quite sure why you would work for someone else.
It is also going to be tougher this year to get a job, because of the current economic situation we are in. Those jobs that teens usually go for during the summer might well be taken by someone else that has lost his job. So that’s what makes creating your own job even more appealing.
When I look at the typical job for teens today like fast food restaurant, I think there must be a better way.
Besides working with Teen’s and being an author, I have owned a few businesses. I love being my own boss, because I get to do things my way, it’s a great learning experience and best of all my hard work pay off, goes to me. Of course you may have some small start up costs, and costs of doing business, but then the rest is yours.
So here are some great business ideas for teens:
• Web Consultant- most teens I know have a way with computers and most adults I know struggle with it. Help them set up and manage Social Networking Sites (My Space, etc.
• Nanny- if you like kids and your good with them, kids are out of school during the summer, but parents still have to work.
• Dog Walker or Pet sitting- I’m always looking for someone to help me with my animals. I pay $35.00 to $50.00 a night.
• Dog Washer- if someone had a service on a Saturday or anytime where I could just drop in and have my dos washed I would love it. All you need is water towels, dog shampoo and a location. I think if you charged $12.00 for a small dog, $16.00 for a medium, and $20.00 for a large dog, people would do it all day long.
• Car Detailing- with a few supplies and a knowledge of what is clean and what is not, you could wash, wax, clean vents, and vacuuming right at their homes
• Errand running- there are a lot of elderly people and people that are very business that need help, just running errands or helping around the house with odd jobs.
• Cleaning Service- if you have a sense of what is clean and what is not, this is a great business.
Most of the time the people buy the cleaning products and you just go clean.
• Tutoring- tutor a younger teen or child while going through summer school or with subjects they are having difficulty with. Parents love this one.
• Small business assistant- I used to always get teens to help me with different jobs for my business. They would come for 2 hours a day and I would have things like shredding, bookwork, cleaning, organizing inventory, so many things.
So, get a plan together, and start preparing now because summer is almost here. Get the supplies you need, how many hours it will take, how much you are going to charge, who are you going to call, make a flyer, post it, tell all of your parents friends, and ask if they know anyone that needs your help. I think working is a lot more fun, when you are your own boss, so go have some fun and make some money and let me know how it goes.
I found this News Release about cigarette marketing campaign targeting teen girls from UC San Diego Medical Center, and thought it needed to be sent through to my audience. After reading this I realized that it is really important to talk to your kids about smoking, not just one conversation, but many. If you aren’t opening up the communication to discuss issues like this, your teens will be left to their own means to make decisions. The media is very powerful, don’t under estimate it. Our teen listen to the TV, magazines, radio, and internet and it is influencing them to a large degree.
Self-Esteem is critical to teens doing what is good for them, not what others think they should be doing, including the media.
I am actually in the process of another blog about fashion and what a hold it has on our teens. It’s important to talk to our teens about issues and empower them to be able to make good decisions for themselves. Let me know what you think…I’m pretty sure you don’t want your teenagers smoking.
Date: March 15, 2010 News Release from UC San Diego Medical Center
Recent Cigarette Marketing Campaign Targeted Teen Girls, Study Reveals
The 1998 Master Settlement Agreement (MSA) prohibits tobacco industry advertising practices that encourage underage teenagers to smoke, yet new research out of the Moores Cancer Center at the University of California, San Diego has found that a 2007 marketing campaign for Camel brand cigarettes was effective in encouraging young girls to start smoking.
The study, led by John P. Pierce, PhD, professor of Family and Preventive Medicine and director of the Cancer Center’s Cancer Prevention and Control Program, will be published March 15 in an early online edition of the scientific journal Pediatrics.
The research, part of a national study on parenting practices, involved 1,036 males and females who were 10 to 13 years old when enrolled onto the study. Between 2003 and 2008, scientists conducted five telephone interviews, which included questions about smoking. The fifth interview was conducted after the start of RJ Reynolds’ “Camel No. 9″ advertising campaign in 2007.
Consistent with earlier research, the new study showed that youth who had never smoked but who reported having a “favorite” cigarette ad at the beginning were 50 percent more likely to initiate smoking. The number of boys with a favorite ad was stable across all five surveys. For girls, however, it was stable across the first four surveys, but by the fifth survey, which took place after the start of the Camel No. 9 campaign, the proportion of girls who reported a favorite ad jumped by 10 percentage points, to 44 percent. The Camel brand accounted almost entirely for this increase.
“In 1998, the Tobacco Industry signed an agreement with State Attorneys General which included a commitment not to target adolescents with advertising. Congressional leaders and others have complained to RJ Reynolds that the Camel #9 campaign violated that agreement,” said Pierce. “This national study demonstrated that the Camel No. 9 campaign had a huge impact on young adolescent girls across the country, effectively encouraging them to smoke.”
The Camel No. 9 marketing campaign included ads resembling fashion spreads that were placed in five of the top 10 U.S. teen readership magazines, such as Glamour and Vogue. The campaign also featured promotional giveaways such as berry lip balm, cell phone jewelry, purses and wristbands.
Co-authors on the paper are Karen Messer, PhD, Lisa E. James, Martha M. White, MS and Sheila Kealey, MPH, all of the Moores UCSD Cancer Center; and Donna M. Vallone, PhD, MPH, and Cheryl G. Healton, DrPH, both of the American Legacy Foundation, Washington, D.C. This study was funded by the National Cancer Institute, the American Legacy Foundation, and the Tobacco Related Disease Research Program of the University of California.
I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.
This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.
Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.
My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old. I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago. We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.
She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?
–Mark
Hi Mark,
I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies. Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc. I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable. If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight. If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.
This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like. We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are. Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra
(Mark’s letter to the girl)
Dear Cheryl,
This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago. I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful. While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.
I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.
Mark
(Her response back to him)
Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter. I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight. Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest. That is something I’m very self-conscious about.
P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me. I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them. Cheryl
Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.
It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.
I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.
Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.
So, when is it okay to quit? I use to be that person that never gave up, even if it wasn’t in my best interest. The thought of not finishing or failing at something gave me high anxiety. I was the person that would say “Sure I can carry the house, I’m strong enough”, no matter what.
It took me a long time to realize that it might not be a good idea to carry a house. I had to start bringing in the part of me that was okay with not accomplishing it all. I also looked at the part of me that wasn’t okay with myself and had to prove that the only way to be okay was to be good at everything and never quit anything.
It was holiday vacation time for me, my boyfriend and his 15 year-old twins and we all decided to go Snowboarding. I used to Ski 13 years ago and thought Snowboarding would be tough, but I’d be able to do it, even though my physical health was on the mend. I have been working out most of my life but through my health stuff had taken 2 years off.
The first day Ian, one of the twins and myself took group lessons just to make sure we had our form down and didn’t learn any bad habits. After our lesson we proceeded up the mountain with the rest and I was shocked at how bad I was, and how hard it was. I couldn’t stay up for longer than 7 seconds.
When I was up my legs were burning like someone was throwing hot water on them. I don’t know how many of you have snowboarded but you need a strong core and strong legs. Both of which have been on the mend for the last 6 months for me. I have always been so strong in my body and very athletic, so this for me wasn’t easy to handle. After doing so poorly the first day, I had to make a decision if I was going to give it another whirl. Let me remind you that I had fallen so many times that my butt was bruised, and both my arms and legs felt light they had been pulled out of their sockets. So, I slept on it.
The next morning I decided to give it one more day because I felt that it wasn’t a fair assessment only after one day. So I took a private lesson, and really felt like I had learned so much more, that it had to make a difference. So after my lesson I went up the bunny hill to practice with a whole new level of excitement. I got to the top and to my surprise it was like I had never had a lesson. At first I was so disappointed, and wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could do it and then something shifted in me. I became very compassionate for how hard I had tried even with my body in it’s repairing stage.
I finally got to the bottom and took off the board and went and had a hot chocalate, and allowed myself to be disappointed without beating myself up. I realized that it was okay for me not to be a snowboarder (right now), that I would ski until my body was stronger to handle a sport that took so much strength.
I realized I gave it my best shot, (I have the bruises to prove it) and that it felt okay inside to let it go. Now that doesn’t mean I well never snowboard again, it just means that it’s okay if I don’t. If you are like I was, always pushing yourself to the edge, weather it is good for you or not or if you push your teens passed their limit, look inside yourself and ask why.
As long as you give something your best shot and you decide that for whatever reason you don’t like it, or just simply don’t want to do it, it’s okay to quit. It doesn’t make you a loser, on the contrary, it makes you a person who will try anything and a person who loves them self.
After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought you might want to read it as well. We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.
Dear Beautiful Feet;
It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her. I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.
Another big influence is the media. Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves. In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body. In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.
During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.
Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are. So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.
Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love. Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.
TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS
1. Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance. This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.
2. Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.
3. Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.
4. Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.
5. Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.
6. Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.
7. When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.
8. Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.
9. Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.
10. Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.
We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way. These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away. If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.
I’m always finding great information on the Web and here is something I found from another great parenting site The Blog of P.U.R.E. by Sue Scheff. We are all working together to give parents and teens the tools they need to live a healthier happier life.
The site is BodiMojo, a site that promotes Health/Nutrition/Fitness for teens. Developed by teens themselves and experts. BodiMojo believes the future of health resides within our ability to provide behavioral motivation and incentives in an increasingly mobile and consumer-oriented world.
Health can be fun, and it can be habit forming.
Teens told us what they want and we listened. Watch us play: BodiMojo will include music, interactive tools, games, videos, community building, contest, original content, social networking modules, and customized user pages for teens. And plug us in-BodiMojo will also offer users new technology for fitness tracking and mobile motivation.
The BodiMojo philosophy is simple: Health can be cool
Nutritional experts, health professionals, and fitness gurus – along with our teens participants – will develop articles, information, graphics, videos, newsletters, interactive features and more.
The current site provides information and updates on the development of the full BodiMojo Web site as well as receive original content submissions form teens. Keep an eye on BodiMojo and our upcoming Virtual User’s Group, Blog, Contests and News. BodiMojo will launch in 2009.
…a body in motion tends to stay in motion.
BodiMojo will also be partnering with game developers, musicians, technologists, producers, athletes, writers, artists and business people interested in participating in BodiMojo’s mission. Contact us at partners@bodimojo.com.
Let me know what you think of the site, I thinks it’s going to be a great way for teens to be fit and healthy.
