There are a ton of reasons why we have low self esteem, and when I say we I mean all of us.  I have never met a teen or an adult with high self esteem.  The only people I have met with high self esteem are little people below the ages of 5-years-old.  Something happens to us when we start going to school, this is where the judgments start and we get put down for being ourselves.  This is also the time when parents start possibly pushing their kids to be a certain way also.

Have you noticed how little kids behave?  They sing and dance in front of everyone and could care less what they think.  They don’t care if they have good voices, if they have been professional trained in dance, they just sing and dance.  As adults we are looking outside ourselves for validation if we are good or bad.  My oldest daughter is great about this, if someone says can you sing, can you dance, she says absolutely.  She dances and sings and doesn’t care if it looks or sounds good. I love that, it’s so childlike.   Check out this video, it’s the best.

The goal here is to stay childlike, in our adulthood.  Why do we care what others think?  Why because we have grown up thinking that the barometer is outside of ourselves instead of inside.  Why would we trust someone else to tell us we are good at something instead of listening to ourselves.  Also who is the judge of what is good and what is bad.  Am I pretty?  Am I ugly?  Is my voice good or is it bad?  Are my clothes okay? Who or what tells us we are okay or not?  And more importantly, why are we listening.

I give you a challenge this week to do things that might make you look ridiculous, because if you are being ridiculous, you are probably being childlike.  Really push yourself, wear something that you would want to wear but you think people might judge you for it.  Sing in front of your family or dance.  See how they react.  Our self esteem is lacking because we aren’t looking at our essence, we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of others.  Try doing something different this week.  Step out there and be the real you and let go of the judgments that might come in, like they don’t matter…because they don’t matter.  Good luck and let me know how it feels.

Something I was confronted with as a parent of a teen was them treating me like I was invincible. Their behavior sometimes came across like I wasn’t human.  I think as parents  we do this to ourselves by acting like we are super-human, and we do no wrong.  I could handle anything, the house needed moving, put it on my back, no problem.  I think our teens need to know they can come to us and we can help, but this doesn’t mean we know everything.  It could mean that if we don’t have the answers, we will get them.  I think it’s great that we develop safety with our kids and to do this they have to trust our abilities but not at the cost of putting a big divider between us.

Vulnerability creates deeper relationships!  When people including our kids see that we aren’t perfect and we are honest about our downfalls, they have compassion for us.  Compassion breeds closer relationships with people that care about us. This is especially important for our teens because they learn about honesty, compassion and relationship through their relationship with their parents first and then they use what they learn on their peers.

I remember being vulnerable with a friend of mine and crying, while asking for help and he said he had no idea that I would ever need help because I always acted so together and self-assured.  Now, confidence is great, don’t get me wrong but if the people around us think we don’t ever need them and we don’t have feelings, they will never share when they need us because they don’t want to appear weak.

The day I started admitting to my girls that I too was learning through my mistakes and that parenting wasn’t an exact science, they started treating me like I was human.  Go figure!  If you act sub-human, people are going to treat you sub-human. It’s a fine line with your teens, you don’t want to be a puddle of tears all the time, because then they will start treating you like your broken and they don’t want to break you further.

One way of being vulnerable with your teens is admitting when you are wrong.  When you are wrong, you know it and so do they, so admit it.  When you do this you will find a different relationship between you and your teen.  They will start admitting when they are wrong and then you will have the power to help them change things in themselves that aren’t serving them.  If no one admits their wrong, then there is no room for improvement.  That goes for you too parents.  I know it doesn’t feel natural to admit you’re wrong and you’re trying to improve yourself, but guess what…it helps your kids learn the basics about learning and evolving into a better person.

Try it on and let me know how it feels and mostly what your results are.  We are all growing, evolving human beings, no matter what are age.

I have a column I write for and I receive E-mail from parents and teens asking me questions to respond to and this was one I really thought needed attention.  Teen Sex is it Wrong or Right? A teenager is asking me this very important questions. Now if you’re a parent you might scream WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If you’re the teen you might say it depends.

So first lets look at wrong and right. What does this mean, wrong being bad and right being good. Isn’t this what we think?  Does it have to be wrong or right, good or bad?  Can it just be a lesson learned?  Now parents don’t go all crazy on me with “some lesson- a pregnant daughter”, I get it. This is what we need to look at.  Not telling our kids not to have sex because it’s wrong or bad but allowing them the space to explore their options and then make a decision that makes sense for them. Usually if we allow them the space, they make good decisions.

We want our teens to ask themselves questions about the decisions they are making, and if their not, we should ask them questions.  If we ask them questions it teaches them how to make decisions for themselves, and teaches them to ask themselves questions. This girl that asked this question,   “Is Sex Wrong or Right”?  The questions you would ask her might be or the questions she should ask herself should be:

1) How do you feel about him?
2) Is he someone you see yourself with in the future?
3) Do you love him?
4) Does he love you?
5) Why would you have sex with him? This is a big one.
6) How do you think you would feel if you had sex with him and he talked about it to others?
7) How would you feel if you had sex with him and you broke up a couple of weeks later?
How do you think your next partner will feel if you have slept with other guys?
9) Is he someone that you trust?
10) Are you okay with multiple sexual partners
11) Are you okay with having a boyfriend who has had multiple partners?

All of these questions makes them think about what they are doing or contemplating doing. If you are a teen asking these questions of yourself, BE HONEST! Be real with yourself. If you are having sex with this guy because you want him to like you, that’s okay. Then you can deal with the real issue. If a teen has to answer these questions there is a good chance they will not have sex with their boyfriend.

What I want to stress more than anything is that these are the questions teens want to ask. They want to ask their parents, but because a lot of parents react so strongly to the questions, they stop asking. Promote them asking questions from you and of themselves. When we ask and answer questions of ourselves it helps us make better decisions.  So Parents, instead of getting stocked, relaxed and ask questions and let them figure things out.

Parents, let me know what you think of this, and teens too.

Hi everyone, this was a blog from last year that I think is important for teens looking for summer jobs. Pass this along to your teen, parents.

Hey Teens, summer is just around the corner and for those of you that are going to enter the wonderful world of working for a living (or maybe just working for next years school clothes and having fun). Here are some job ideas.  I did a blog last year regarding summer jobs for teens.  I am big advocate of entrepreneurialship, working for yourself.  There are so many ways to create jobs for yourself, and make more money, I’m not quite sure why you would work for someone else.

It is also going to be tougher this year to get a job, because of the current economic situation we are in. Those jobs that teens usually go for during the summer might well be taken by someone else that has lost his job.  So that’s what makes creating your own job even more appealing.

When I look at the typical job for teens today like fast food restaurant, I think there must be a better way.

Besides working with Teen’s and being an author, I have owned a few businesses. I love being my own boss, because I get to do things my way, it’s a great learning experience and best of all my hard work pay off, goes to me.  Of course you may have some small start up costs, and costs of doing business, but then the rest is yours.

So here are some great business ideas for teens:

•    Web Consultant- most teens I know have a way with computers and most adults I know struggle with it. Help them set up and manage Social Networking Sites (My Space, etc.
•    Nanny- if you like kids and your good with them, kids are out of school during the    summer, but parents still have to work.
•    Dog Walker or Pet sitting- I’m always looking for someone to help me with my animals. I pay $35.00 to $50.00 a night.

•    Dog Washer- if someone had a service on a Saturday or anytime where I could just drop in and have my dos washed I would love it.  All you need is water towels, dog shampoo and a location. I think if you charged $12.00 for a small dog, $16.00 for a medium, and $20.00 for a large dog, people would do it all day long.

• Car Detailing- with a few supplies and a knowledge of what is clean and what is not, you could wash, wax, clean vents, and vacuuming right at their homes
• Errand running- there are a lot of elderly people and people that are very business that need help, just running errands or helping around the house with odd jobs.
• Cleaning Service- if you have a sense of what is clean and what is not, this is a great business.
Most of the time the people buy the cleaning products and you just go clean.
• Tutoring- tutor a younger teen or child while going through summer school or with subjects they are having difficulty with. Parents love this one.
• Small business assistant- I used to always get teens to help me with different jobs for my business. They would come for 2 hours a day and I would have things like shredding, bookwork, cleaning, organizing inventory, so many things.

So, get a  plan together, and start preparing now because summer is almost here. Get the  supplies you need, how many hours it will take, how much you are going to charge, who are you going to call, make a flyer, post it, tell all of your parents friends, and ask if they know anyone that needs your help.  I think working is a lot more fun, when you are your own boss, so go have some fun and make some money and let me know how it goes.

In my attempt to go away and not do a bit of work, I was amazed at how many situations came into my day to get me to not relax and work or simply hold myself to a scheduled day.  It started as we were leaving going through Phoenix. We stopped by and dropped off books to an organization that helps kids deal with their parents being deported for war. How could I turn that down, right?

I found this News Release about cigarette marketing campaign targeting teen girls from UC San Diego Medical Center, and thought it needed to be sent through to my audience.  After reading this I realized that it is really important to talk to your kids about smoking, not just one conversation, but many.  If you aren’t opening up the communication to discuss issues like this, your teens will be left to their own means to make decisions.  The media is very powerful, don’t under estimate it. Our teen listen to the TV, magazines, radio, and internet and it is influencing them to a large degree.

Self-Esteem is critical to teens doing what is good for them, not what others think they should be doing, including the media.

I am actually in the process of another blog about fashion and what a hold it has on our teens. It’s important to talk to our teens about issues and empower them to be able to make good decisions for themselves.  Let me know what you think…I’m pretty sure you don’t want your teenagers smoking.

Date: March 15, 2010 News Release from UC San Diego Medical Center

Recent Cigarette Marketing Campaign Targeted Teen Girls, Study Reveals

The 1998 Master Settlement Agreement (MSA) prohibits tobacco industry advertising practices that encourage underage teenagers to smoke, yet new research out of the Moores Cancer Center at the University of California, San Diego has found that a 2007 marketing campaign for Camel brand cigarettes was effective in encouraging young girls to start smoking.

The study, led by John P. Pierce, PhD, professor of Family and Preventive Medicine and director of the Cancer Center’s Cancer Prevention and Control Program, will be published March 15 in an early online edition of the scientific journal Pediatrics.

The research, part of a national study on parenting practices, involved 1,036 males and females who were 10 to 13 years old when enrolled onto the study. Between 2003 and 2008, scientists conducted five telephone interviews, which included questions about smoking. The fifth interview was conducted after the start of RJ Reynolds’ “Camel No. 9″ advertising campaign in 2007.

Consistent with earlier research, the new study showed that youth who had never smoked but who reported having a “favorite” cigarette ad at the beginning were 50 percent more likely to initiate smoking. The number of boys with a favorite ad was stable across all five surveys. For girls, however, it was stable across the first four surveys, but by the fifth survey, which took place after the start of the Camel No. 9 campaign, the proportion of girls who reported a favorite ad jumped by 10 percentage points, to 44 percent. The Camel brand accounted almost entirely for this increase.

“In 1998, the Tobacco Industry signed an agreement with State Attorneys General which included a commitment not to target adolescents with advertising.  Congressional leaders and others have complained to RJ Reynolds that the Camel #9 campaign violated that agreement,” said Pierce. “This national study demonstrated that the Camel No. 9 campaign had a huge impact on young adolescent girls across the country, effectively encouraging them to smoke.”

The Camel No. 9 marketing campaign included ads resembling fashion spreads that were placed in five of the top 10 U.S. teen readership magazines, such as Glamour and Vogue. The campaign also featured promotional giveaways such as berry lip balm, cell phone jewelry, purses and wristbands.

Co-authors on the paper are Karen Messer, PhD, Lisa E. James, Martha M. White, MS and Sheila Kealey, MPH, all of the Moores UCSD Cancer Center; and Donna M. Vallone, PhD, MPH, and Cheryl G. Healton, DrPH, both of the American Legacy Foundation, Washington, D.C. This study was funded by the National Cancer Institute, the American Legacy Foundation, and the Tobacco Related Disease Research Program of the University of California.

This is such an important subject to be exploring as a teen or as a parent for your tween’s entering into puberty.  I started blogging on this and doing my research to make sure I was giving you information that was thorough.  I came across this article on Natural Living for Women that was so comprehensive that I decided to forward it.  I have been using natural tampons for 12 years after my daughters informed me of the harmful affects the non-organic ones.

If you are a Mom that is still using tampons or you have teens that are using them, please read this blog and decide for yourself.  Here it is…

Don’t you think organic tampons make sense for something that comes into contact with delicate tissues of our body on a regular basis?It has been estimated that we can use as much as 9,000 tampons in our lifetimes.  I thought this was an exageration but do the math.  As an example, 4 tampons  for 6 days, 12 months a year for 30 years is 8,640. That’s a lot of tampons.

So What’s The Problem With Tampons?

Most tampons are made from a cotton or rayon-cotton blend. Rayon is a synthetic fiber that is made from wood pulp.  It is highly absorbent and it does it’s job well in our tampons.  Cotton while a so called natural fiber may have been bio-engineered and grown with a mess of pesticides, fertilizers and fungicides. . (See organic cotton.) Both of these fibers undergo a bleaching process before being made into tampons and even though this process has been improved to try and eliminate dioxins, trace levels are still being found.

Dioxins

Dioxins are an environmental pollutant and known carcinogenic by product of bleaching and manufacturing processes.  It is now being found in our soil, air and water.  According to the FDA, this may explain how rayon and cotton may always contain some dioxin. Some groups think even the improved bleaching techniques may contribute to some of the dioxins.The FDA says that levels of dioxin are so low, it is not cause for concern. But some doctor’s and other groups are not so sure and are concerned about the cumulative effects of even tiny amounts of dioxins coming in to contact month after month with a very delicate part of our body. No one knows for sure.

According to the National Research Center for Women and Families, dioxin was found in several brands of tampons and at least one 100% cotton brand.  Companies are required to test and report dioxin levels to the FDA.

Sometimes I feel like we’re in a bit of a chemical soup. Fortunately, if we make better choices we can eliminate some of the harmful chemicals that have become so much a part of our everyday lives.  We can purchase organic tampons or pads that are 100% certified organic cotton, do not contain any synthetic materials such as rayon or chemical additives like fragrances and either no bleaching or non-chlorine bleaching such as hydrogen peroxide.Hydrogen peroxide has not been found to create dioxins.  The elimination of chlorine bleaching to treat fibers and all the chemicals needed to grow conventional cotton helps improve things for both us and the environment.

My Choice For Organic Tampons.

I have used tampon products for years and did not make the switch to organic tampons until a few years ago. I had to experiment with a few brands until I found one I could be happy with. I believe the absence of rayon and it’s high absorbency has been a problem.

The most effective brand I have found is made by Natracare.  Natracare can be purchased at most health food stores and quite a few online sources but check out their website, you’ll find quite a bit of interesting information about this and other forms of safe feminine protection.

My purchase of organic tampons is part of my plan for removing as many unnecessary chemicals as I can from my life for myself, family and the environment. Let’s see 8,640 organic tampons per woman, not bad.

I too have been using Natracare brand for many years and like it a lot. Do your research and pick what product you like the best, this is only my preference.  I do know that from what I have researched, organic tampons are far better for us than non-organic. I just felt like it was important to bring this information to you. Let me know what you think.

Every year I look back at the past year and take inventory on what I have created in my life.  Some of it I set out to create, other things just happened, or do they?  I know why the things I put my mind on get created, but am often curious about the things that just seem to happen.

This year while we sat with good friends to establish our hopes and desires for the year to come, I noticed a big difference in what I was trying to manifest in my life.  Of course I want to continue to work with teens and parents, make sure my book is still available to as many girls who need it, and work on projects like e-books, workshops and other material that will help people.  But what really changed was my deep desire to be more connected with myself and others, to be more open-hearted and to change the way I live in this world.

I want to slow down and be around the people I love and the people that make my heart sing more.  It is often difficult to do this when we are going and going, working and working, and come to the end of our day pooped!  So how can we live our life with more purpose?  Pay attention to what you are doing every day and if it’s not what is making you live in your heart, analyse it.  Then see how you might be able to shift it.  So, if I want certain things in my life, what is it going to take to get them?

I was just talking to my boyfriends Field Representative in his landscape business and she was amazed at the business that was coming in this week.  I work closely with them and we had a talk about bringing in more business last week. She had been working on a book of native flowers to have for clients, also a good tool.  But when she shifting her intentions to bringing in more business it was amazing how fast it started coming in. All she did was move her attention from the book to cultivating new business, and the universe got a clear picture of what she wanted and started putting things in place.

This is so important because what we put our energy or attention on starts gaining momentum.  It’s critical to first look at what you what in your life and then figure out the actions that are going to get you there. Then take those actions.  So if I want to create more connected relationship in my life, what do I need to do?  First I need to to look at which relationships I want to be more connected to, then call those people and put them in my schedule. If I don’t put them in my schedule, guess what, I continue to work and work, and the week ends and I haven’t spend quality time with my friends.  I schedule them just like I do appointments, even though you may think this is too business like, it works for me. Then we get together and so the connection begins. I talk to them about how often they would like to get together and if our relationship is important to them, of course they say yes, and we set up our next get together.

If I continue to to make sure I fit my friends in my schedule those relationships will blossom, because I am taking action to make sure that they do. This is easy stuff, whats important to you, how are you going to get it and then do it. So to come back to my first question “Do New Years Resolutions Work”? Not if there isn’t a follow up plan, just to state something doesn’t have the power unless you take the action to make it happen.

As far as the things that just happen, well the universe guides us in mysterious ways, doesn’t it? This is a good time to just roll with it, enjoy the ride and then look at what comes of it. Paying attention in life makes our life so much richer and helps us understand the meaning and purpose of our life.  Test it out and let me know what you think.

So, when is it okay to quit?  I use to be that person that never gave up, even if it wasn’t in my best interest.  The thought of not finishing or failing at something gave me high anxiety.  I was the person that would say “Sure I can carry the house, I’m strong enough”, no matter what.

It took me a long time to realize that it might not be a good idea to carry a house.  I had to start bringing in the part of me that was okay with not accomplishing it all.  I also looked at the part of me that wasn’t okay with myself and had to prove that the only way to be okay was to be good at everything and never quit anything.

It was holiday vacation time for me, my boyfriend and his 15 year-old twins and we all decided to go Snowboarding.  I used to Ski 13 years ago and thought Snowboarding would be tough, but I’d be able to do it, even though my physical health was on the mend.  I have been working out most of my life but through my health stuff had taken 2 years off.

The first day Ian, one of the twins and myself took group lessons just to make sure we had our form down and didn’t learn any bad habits. After our lesson we proceeded up the mountain with the rest and I was shocked at how bad I was, and how hard it was.  I couldn’t stay up for longer than 7 seconds.

When I was up my legs were burning like someone was throwing hot water on them.  I don’t know how many of you have snowboarded but you need a strong core and strong legs. Both of which have been on the mend for the last 6 months for me.  I have always been so strong in my body and very athletic, so this for me wasn’t easy to handle.  After doing so poorly the first day, I had to make a decision if I was going to give it another whirl.  Let me remind you that I had fallen so many times that my butt was bruised, and both my arms and legs felt light they had been pulled out of their sockets. So, I slept on it.

The next morning I decided to give it one more day because I felt that it wasn’t a fair assessment only after one day.  So I took a private lesson, and really felt like I had learned so much more,  that it had to make a difference.  So after my lesson I went up the bunny hill to practice with a whole new level of excitement.  I got to the top and to my surprise it was like I had never had a lesson.  At first I was so disappointed, and wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could do it and then something shifted in me.  I became very compassionate for how hard I had tried even with my body in it’s repairing stage.

I finally got to the bottom and took off the board and went and had a hot chocalate, and allowed myself to be disappointed without beating myself up.  I realized that it was okay for me not to be a snowboarder (right now), that I would ski until my body was stronger to handle a sport that took so much strength.

I realized I gave it my best shot, (I have the bruises to prove it) and that it felt okay inside to let it go.  Now that doesn’t mean I well never snowboard again, it just means that it’s okay if I don’t.  If you are like I was, always pushing yourself to the edge, weather it is good for you or not or if you push your teens passed their limit, look inside yourself and ask why.

As long as you give something your best shot and you decide that for whatever reason you don’t like it, or just simply don’t want to do it, it’s okay to quit.  It doesn’t make you a loser, on the contrary, it makes you a person who will try anything and a person who loves them self.

Your Truly,
The lousy Snowboarder

I have been reading a lot of different articles about over-parenting or “helicopter parenting” and thought it might be a topic that warrants a discussion.  I believe that if parents are always there to pick up the pieces or make all the decisions in the kids life, they rob them of most of their growth experiences.

How do we learn and grow?  We learn and grow from doing, from having to figure things out, not without guidance I might add.  If as parents we are guiding our children instead of making all of their decisions or running to fix everything, there is a better chance of learning that is present.  Think about it, if we as parents are always making the decisions for our kids without their input about what they think is the right way, they will always need are input.  As parents we want to help them develop the skills they need to become independent, happy adults. Isn’t this our job?

The only way to get good at something is to practice, practice, practice. Instead of making the decisions for them or automatically fixing what they have messed up, we ask for their input.  Ask them how they would fix this or handle that, and ask them why. The idea is to get them to explore why one way or another would work better.  During this exploration, keep your opinions to yourself and just keep asking questions.  This allows them the opportunity to explore their feelings and thoughts around the issue. It helps them develop the skills of making good decisions.  If we are constantly making these decisions for them how will they ever learn?  Off to college they go, and you are no where to be found and they have the decision making skills of a 4 year old.  You can only guess what the outcome will be, it’s not pretty.  The problem is two fold; you have been holding them so tight for so long that they break out and do things they might not necessarily do if they had been given more freedom and developed better tools to make good decisions. Then there’s the fact that they simple don’t have any tools because you never taught them, you thought it was better to make the decisions for them.

When we allow our kids to participate in the decision making process we help them learn how to make decisions, it’s really simply. If we make the decisions for them , they don’t learn.  Maybe in the beginning of this process they will think certain decisions are good and you will think they are crazy. That’s when we keep asking questions.  The more questions asked the better chance they will have of figuring things out.

I also encourage you as parents to explore in yourself why you have these fears surrounding your kids making bad decisions.  Yes, I know, they might make a mistake, a really bad mistake.  This is why talking to them and guiding them is so important. The mistake can either be made under your guidance or as an adult without you around. This is where our journey comes in, as parents we are on our own journeys that our kids actions are helping us figure out our life. Really look at your fears, that contribute to your controlling behavior.

Yes, the fear is real that they will do something really stupid that will affect their lives, but we can’t let our fears about something that might happen rule our lives.  The more we participate in guiding them, the better they will get at making good decisions and the less you will need to monitor their ever move.  So, be open to looking at your behavior around your fears and start letting go, so you can guide your kids and have them be able to receive your guidance easier.  When our opinions are force fed to our kids they will resist them, when they feel they are a part of the process, it feels like it is their decision.  See how that could make a difference?

So, enjoy guiding your kids to become independent happy kids, and let me know how it goes, or your opinion about this.

Thanks & Happy Parenting, Debra