A New Way of Parenting
Friday, April 23rd, 2010
Through out our lifetime we keep evolving with everything in our life actually. Our health, financial issues, we run our companies differently, and we better be parenting differently. If I look at how my parents raised me and how I raised my kids and how my kids are raising their kids, it’s quite a difference.
I pretty much raised myself, with little to no guidance. When I had my two daughters I was more involved but was also giving them enough room to explore, maybe too much. My daughter today is raising my grandson totally different. She has more boundaries than I had although she is communicating more with her son and giving him choices, to allow him to learn to make decisions on his own. As parents they participate far more than parents in the past. It was always a rarity if parents were really involved in there kids life, when I was being raised.
What I realize is that in today’s times it‘s going to take a new approach to keep your kids connected to you. It’s like we have to be involved but not too involved, no hovering! We have to guide them without them knowing we are guiding them, leading them into making their own decisions, and making sure they are good ones. We have a big job, I know if you are reading this, you are up for the task.
So what does parenting look like in today’s world with things so different? First we should talk about what is different.
The drugs the kids use today are different, there has always been drugs, just not the type of drugs that do the damage that say Crack does. How about Sex? Sex has never been more casual as it is today, oral sex isn’t even considered sex. Technology is way different today than it was in the past. There is so much stimulation between HD TV with 500 different channels, Cell phones with texting and pictures. Computers, the internet, it goes on and on. The media has a bigger influence than ever, it is telling our kids what to eat, what to wear, how much to weigh, what cars to drive, that sex is cool, it’s basically telling our kids who to be.
This is a good time to look at how you parent, don’t wait until they are 17 years old, although if you are looking now, keep looking. So, what does it look like to parent in today’s world?
It looks like WAKING UP AND PAYING ATTENTION! I hope I didn’t offend any one, but this is the first thing you need to do, and then after rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and looking at what is really going on, then and only then can you start parenting effectively. This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s going to be easier with your eyes open because now you know what you’re dealing with. How do you open your eyes? Start by just looking at the behavior of your teen, and then start asking them questions to find out what they believe. Being asleep is believing that because you said so “it is”. Awaken to the fact that your teen is their own person with their own believes and views.
In my girls circles I hear constantly “my parents think I’m this and I’m not”. Your teens aren’t being honest with you because you aren’t giving them a choice to be honest. So start asking them questions about things in the world and when they answer and it’s not your answer, don’t condemn them. Instead maybe say “that’s an interesting point of view”. This is how you are going to get to know your kids, by asking them questions and letting them answer with their own minds, not yours. I’m reading a book write now called 14 Minutes by Jodi Picoult and it’s unbelievable how the parents don’t have a clue who their teens are, and what I realized is that this is the reality.
If you want to get to know your kids…Really, start listening to them. Stop trying to control them and stop trying to get them to be like you and believe your beliefs. Turn the tables around, how would it feel if you had a friend that never allowed you to have your own opinion about anything and was always pushing her beliefs onto you. I would feel totally discounted as a person and like I wasn’t important. Do you want your teens to feel this way? No, of course you don’t.
Every opportunity you get ask them about everything- smoking, drugs, sex, styles, suicide, integrity, schooling, friendships, I could go on and on. When you ask them, really listen to what they are saying, this will give you the insight into who they are. Don’t judge what they are saying, just listen, you may be very surprised at what they start telling you about themselves without your judgments getting in their way.
When we listen to what they are saying we get the opportunity to really get to know them in a deeper more connected way. For some of you this is going to take practice and your teens aren’t going to start sharing who they are right away because they are shut down and afraid you are going to judge them for who they are, because it is different than you. Stay with it, keep asking questions, and keep listening and leaving out your opinions and judgments and I guarantee they will start sharing more. Just try it for a month and see if things change within your relationship with your teen.
It is going to take a new way of parenting to get the results that we want with our teen, which I hope is to have a more connected, honest relationship with them.
Try it and let me know how it goes, it’s all about loving them unconditionally and letting them be and grow into the person they want to be, not how you see them or want them to be.
