There are a ton of reasons why we have low self esteem, and when I say we I mean all of us. I have never met a teen or an adult with high self esteem. The only people I have met with high self esteem are little people below the ages of 5-years-old. Something happens to us when we start going to school, this is where the judgments start and we get put down for being ourselves. This is also the time when parents start possibly pushing their kids to be a certain way also.
Have you noticed how little kids behave? They sing and dance in front of everyone and could care less what they think. They don’t care if they have good voices, if they have been professional trained in dance, they just sing and dance. As adults we are looking outside ourselves for validation if we are good or bad. My oldest daughter is great about this, if someone says can you sing, can you dance, she says absolutely. She dances and sings and doesn’t care if it looks or sounds good. I love that, it’s so childlike. Check out this video, it’s the best.
The goal here is to stay childlike, in our adulthood. Why do we care what others think? Why because we have grown up thinking that the barometer is outside of ourselves instead of inside. Why would we trust someone else to tell us we are good at something instead of listening to ourselves. Also who is the judge of what is good and what is bad. Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Is my voice good or is it bad? Are my clothes okay? Who or what tells us we are okay or not? And more importantly, why are we listening.
I give you a challenge this week to do things that might make you look ridiculous, because if you are being ridiculous, you are probably being childlike. Really push yourself, wear something that you would want to wear but you think people might judge you for it. Sing in front of your family or dance. See how they react. Our self esteem is lacking because we aren’t looking at our essence, we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of others. Try doing something different this week. Step out there and be the real you and let go of the judgments that might come in, like they don’t matter…because they don’t matter. Good luck and let me know how it feels.
Bullying is a real problem, and it’s your responsibility as a parent to talk to your teens about it. If they are being bullied, take it seriously. If they seem to be a bully talk to them about how treating people with respect and kindness affects the world. If you are a bully, I’m talking to you parents, start looking at your behavior and how it’s affecting your kids, friends, family, and the world. Bullying can be something as simple as not letting others have an opinion and cutting them off. Bullying comes in all sizes and packages…Are you one?
Broward County is no stranger to bullying. Last school year Deerfield Beach Middle School held the spotlight in the most negative of circumstances. Starting with Michael Brewer who was nearly burned to death, and several months later the brutal and savage beating of Josie Ratley.
As a community, a group of Broward County middle school students joined together with the help of State Farm, The Broward Sheriff’s Office and The Humanity Project to publish two books targeted at combating bullying.
The Miami Herald reported one of the bullying books is about a privileged and selfish character Lucina who has everything she wants but degrades everyone who doesn’t share her fortune. The other book is about Michael, who is dyslexic and of black and Asian heritage. He’s influenced by his abusive father to bully others.
Students also worked on illustrations and cover art. The books will be used as part of The Humanity Project’s innovative Anti-bullying Through the Arts program in Broward during the school year.
Congratulations to all these students and a special thanks to State Farm, Broward County Sheriff’s Office and The Humanity Project for stepping up and reaching out to our kids – our future!
Something I was confronted with as a parent of a teen was them treating me like I was invincible. Their behavior sometimes came across like I wasn’t human. I think as parents we do this to ourselves by acting like we are super-human, and we do no wrong. I could handle anything, the house needed moving, put it on my back, no problem. I think our teens need to know they can come to us and we can help, but this doesn’t mean we know everything. It could mean that if we don’t have the answers, we will get them. I think it’s great that we develop safety with our kids and to do this they have to trust our abilities but not at the cost of putting a big divider between us.
Vulnerability creates deeper relationships! When people including our kids see that we aren’t perfect and we are honest about our downfalls, they have compassion for us. Compassion breeds closer relationships with people that care about us. This is especially important for our teens because they learn about honesty, compassion and relationship through their relationship with their parents first and then they use what they learn on their peers.
I remember being vulnerable with a friend of mine and crying, while asking for help and he said he had no idea that I would ever need help because I always acted so together and self-assured. Now, confidence is great, don’t get me wrong but if the people around us think we don’t ever need them and we don’t have feelings, they will never share when they need us because they don’t want to appear weak.
The day I started admitting to my girls that I too was learning through my mistakes and that parenting wasn’t an exact science, they started treating me like I was human. Go figure! If you act sub-human, people are going to treat you sub-human. It’s a fine line with your teens, you don’t want to be a puddle of tears all the time, because then they will start treating you like your broken and they don’t want to break you further.
One way of being vulnerable with your teens is admitting when you are wrong. When you are wrong, you know it and so do they, so admit it. When you do this you will find a different relationship between you and your teen. They will start admitting when they are wrong and then you will have the power to help them change things in themselves that aren’t serving them. If no one admits their wrong, then there is no room for improvement. That goes for you too parents. I know it doesn’t feel natural to admit you’re wrong and you’re trying to improve yourself, but guess what…it helps your kids learn the basics about learning and evolving into a better person.
Try it on and let me know how it feels and mostly what your results are. We are all growing, evolving human beings, no matter what are age.
I have a column I write for and I receive E-mail from parents and teens asking me questions to respond to and this was one I really thought needed attention. Teen Sex is it Wrong or Right? A teenager is asking me this very important questions. Now if you’re a parent you might scream WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If you’re the teen you might say it depends.
So first lets look at wrong and right. What does this mean, wrong being bad and right being good. Isn’t this what we think? Does it have to be wrong or right, good or bad? Can it just be a lesson learned? Now parents don’t go all crazy on me with “some lesson- a pregnant daughter”, I get it. This is what we need to look at. Not telling our kids not to have sex because it’s wrong or bad but allowing them the space to explore their options and then make a decision that makes sense for them. Usually if we allow them the space, they make good decisions.
We want our teens to ask themselves questions about the decisions they are making, and if their not, we should ask them questions. If we ask them questions it teaches them how to make decisions for themselves, and teaches them to ask themselves questions. This girl that asked this question, “Is Sex Wrong or Right”? The questions you would ask her might be or the questions she should ask herself should be:
1) How do you feel about him?
2) Is he someone you see yourself with in the future?
3) Do you love him?
4) Does he love you?
5) Why would you have sex with him? This is a big one.
6) How do you think you would feel if you had sex with him and he talked about it to others?
7) How would you feel if you had sex with him and you broke up a couple of weeks later? How do you think your next partner will feel if you have slept with other guys?
9) Is he someone that you trust?
10) Are you okay with multiple sexual partners
11) Are you okay with having a boyfriend who has had multiple partners?
All of these questions makes them think about what they are doing or contemplating doing. If you are a teen asking these questions of yourself, BE HONEST! Be real with yourself. If you are having sex with this guy because you want him to like you, that’s okay. Then you can deal with the real issue. If a teen has to answer these questions there is a good chance they will not have sex with their boyfriend.
What I want to stress more than anything is that these are the questions teens want to ask. They want to ask their parents, but because a lot of parents react so strongly to the questions, they stop asking. Promote them asking questions from you and of themselves. When we ask and answer questions of ourselves it helps us make better decisions. So Parents, instead of getting stocked, relaxed and ask questions and let them figure things out.
Parents, let me know what you think of this, and teens too.
I loved this article from my Doctor, Dr. Alan Christianson in Scottsdale. I will be sharing health articles from time to time because it is totally connected to feeling good about yourself, therefore having good self-esteem. Enjoy it and tell me what you think about it.
Aerobic means ‘with oxygen’. Animals are chemically distinct from plants in that we burn our fuel with oxygen and liberate a lot more energy than chemical pathways that don’t use oxygen. This gives us power to think and move. Your brain uses 20% of your energy. I’m sure you can think of someone who might be using closer to 5%, but really, most brains use 20%.
What does it mean when you are tired and sluggish during the day? Chemically it means you are not able to generate ATP (your cell’s energy) within your cells at the rate at which you’re burning it. Your body wants to rest and slow down. How do you get better at producing ATP? You incrementally challenge your system and let your body adapt. Your body is amazing at adaption. Whatever we ask of it, it will accommodate. The most efficient way to challenge your energy production pathways is through aerobic exercise. Run, walk fast, bike, swim, work out on an aerobic machine, anything – just move a little faster for a little longer than you normally do. If this is tiring, rest up a day and try it again. It’ll get easier, I promise. You’ll go farther and faster plus be able to shorten the rest periods between aerobic exercises. And, non-exercise tasks will also get easier. Your brain will be sharper, you’ll move easier and be less tired during the day.
Think you’re tired because you’re old? It’s not true. The only type of AGEing that really slows you down is if you Aren’t Getting Exercise.
Just a few weeks ago an article in the British Journal of Sports Medicine showed that regular exercise could delay the effects of aging by 12 years! Senior athletes maintain 90% of their capacity into their 80′s and beyond. In their sports they are universally superior to sedentary 30-year-old office workers.
Before going out for that jog, here are a few myths I hope to put to rest:
Myth: I’m too tired; exercising will use up all my energy.
Fact: Give yourself a chance and advance slowly. You’ll be more energetic for having done some aerobic work. And, within a short time, you’ll actually come to enjoy it! Commit to getting dressed and out the door to do at least 5 minutes each day. That’s not too tough. If you’re still not into it after those 5 minutes, throw in the towel. But 9 times out of 10 you’ll get into the flow and have fun.
Myth: Lower intensity workouts burn more fat.
Fact: No, they don’t. It’s true you burn a slightly higher percentage of calories from fat at low intensity, say 6% vs. 5% at high intensity, but you burn so fewer calories it’s not helpful. For example, say at low intensity you burn 200 calories which 6% are from fat, this equals 12 fat calories burned. For the same amount of time at a high intensity you’re burning 500 calories! So, even though you may only burn 5% from fat, that’s 25 fat calories!
Myth: If I go to the gym and train hard every day I’ll lose weight.
Fact: Maybe, but weight loss does take counting calories… calories from HEALTHY foods that is! You know that 500 calories you burned in the high intensity workout above? Without discipline you can blow that at the Starbucks on the way home.
Myth: 20 minutes 2-3 times per week is enough exercise.
Fact: Well, it’s enough to start or help you get into the swing of exercising, but you’ll get more benefits and gain more energy if you move towards exercising most days of the week at 45-60 minutes each time for an average of 6 hours per week.
Myth: I don’t have that kind of time. Why bother?
Fact: The average American adult watches TV 29-34 hours per week! If you can’t reduce that time by a few hours, set up a treadmill or exercise bike in front of the TV and have at it.
Myth: I don’t need aerobics as much since I lift weights.
Fact: Strength training is great, but its maximum benefits for longevity, weight loss and health occur with one session per body part per week. Some papers have suggested even just 1 set may provide this. Aerobics are a wiser expenditure of most of your exercise time.
Myth: I need a sports drink for exercise.
Fact: If you’re going at it hard for over 90 minutes, OK, otherwise drink water and save the calories for something better.
So get out and generate some ATP, you’ll feel great!
Dr. Alan Christianson, NMD, is founder and President of Integrative Health Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ. Integrative Health offers a fresh approach to living well by using a novel formula for science-based natural medicine. The team of physicians discovers the cause of each patient’s troubling symptoms and protects their long-term health and quality of life.
Dr. Christianson’s primary focus is diagnosing hidden cases of thyroid disease and assisting those already diagnosed to resolve hypothyroid symptoms including weight gain, fatigue and hair loss.
Currently, he is co-authoring ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Thyroid’, for Penguin publishers, due for publication in mid-2011.
He can be reached at 480.657.0003 or www.IntegrativeHealthCare.com
Hi everyone, this was a blog from last year that I think is important for teens looking for summer jobs. Pass this along to your teen, parents.
Hey Teens, summer is just around the corner and for those of you that are going to enter the wonderful world of working for a living (or maybe just working for next years school clothes and having fun). Here are some job ideas. I did a blog last year regarding summer jobs for teens. I am big advocate of entrepreneurialship, working for yourself. There are so many ways to create jobs for yourself, and make more money, I’m not quite sure why you would work for someone else.
It is also going to be tougher this year to get a job, because of the current economic situation we are in. Those jobs that teens usually go for during the summer might well be taken by someone else that has lost his job. So that’s what makes creating your own job even more appealing.
When I look at the typical job for teens today like fast food restaurant, I think there must be a better way.
Besides working with Teen’s and being an author, I have owned a few businesses. I love being my own boss, because I get to do things my way, it’s a great learning experience and best of all my hard work pay off, goes to me. Of course you may have some small start up costs, and costs of doing business, but then the rest is yours.
So here are some great business ideas for teens:
• Web Consultant- most teens I know have a way with computers and most adults I know struggle with it. Help them set up and manage Social Networking Sites (My Space, etc.
• Nanny- if you like kids and your good with them, kids are out of school during the summer, but parents still have to work.
• Dog Walker or Pet sitting- I’m always looking for someone to help me with my animals. I pay $35.00 to $50.00 a night.
• Dog Washer- if someone had a service on a Saturday or anytime where I could just drop in and have my dos washed I would love it. All you need is water towels, dog shampoo and a location. I think if you charged $12.00 for a small dog, $16.00 for a medium, and $20.00 for a large dog, people would do it all day long.
• Car Detailing- with a few supplies and a knowledge of what is clean and what is not, you could wash, wax, clean vents, and vacuuming right at their homes
• Errand running- there are a lot of elderly people and people that are very business that need help, just running errands or helping around the house with odd jobs.
• Cleaning Service- if you have a sense of what is clean and what is not, this is a great business.
Most of the time the people buy the cleaning products and you just go clean.
• Tutoring- tutor a younger teen or child while going through summer school or with subjects they are having difficulty with. Parents love this one.
• Small business assistant- I used to always get teens to help me with different jobs for my business. They would come for 2 hours a day and I would have things like shredding, bookwork, cleaning, organizing inventory, so many things.
So, get a plan together, and start preparing now because summer is almost here. Get the supplies you need, how many hours it will take, how much you are going to charge, who are you going to call, make a flyer, post it, tell all of your parents friends, and ask if they know anyone that needs your help. I think working is a lot more fun, when you are your own boss, so go have some fun and make some money and let me know how it goes.
When I first starting mentoring Teens, I found it to be so rewarding because of the authentic energy teens bring to the table. What I soon found out was that without mentoring the parents, the teens and I were in No Mans Land!
I am amazed at the speed in which things shift when I am working with both the teens and the parents. Especially when I am working with parents that are open to new ways of parenting. In today’s world we have to look at parenting in a different way. Parenting in the 50′s is way different than parenting today.
When I am working with parents that are defending their position, instead of looking for new ways to connect to their teen, we spend our time on their position of defense, if you know what I mean. It takes an brave and honest parent to admit they don’t know everything, and to be open to helping their teens acquire the tools they need to be independent and happy adults.
If we are looking for new ways to communicate and relate to our kids it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to parent. It means we are always looking for ways to be a better parent. I constantly hear “my daughter has great self-esteem” or “my teen and I get along great” from parents. My first thought is that’s wonderful, and my second thought is, so lets keep that ball rolling. I also hear from parents that everything was going just great and Wham, things changed, like over night.
This may seem like it happened over night, but it didn’t, it was progressive. In the beginning I said the reason I love mentoring teens is because of their authentic energy, they are real. I’m not sure if parents just don’t realize what’s going on in the household or they are pretending it doesn’t exist. Either way, it dilutes the ability to shift behaviors. If we wait as parents until something goes wrong, it’s harder to find balance in the situation. So, start early helping your teen learn how to love themselves so that they can make better decisions and so you can guide them through this with greater ease.
Take advantage of anything that will help you, help your teen. You will be happy that you did. Kick that pride away and get down to business.
Through out our lifetime we keep evolving with everything in our life actually. Our health, financial issues, we run our companies differently, and we better be parenting differently. If I look at how my parents raised me and how I raised my kids and how my kids are raising their kids, it’s quite a difference.
I pretty much raised myself, with little to no guidance. When I had my two daughters I was more involved but was also giving them enough room to explore, maybe too much. My daughter today is raising my grandson totally different. She has more boundaries than I had although she is communicating more with her son and giving him choices, to allow him to learn to make decisions on his own. As parents they participate far more than parents in the past. It was always a rarity if parents were really involved in there kids life, when I was being raised.
What I realize is that in today’s times it‘s going to take a new approach to keep your kids connected to you. It’s like we have to be involved but not too involved, no hovering! We have to guide them without them knowing we are guiding them, leading them into making their own decisions, and making sure they are good ones. We have a big job, I know if you are reading this, you are up for the task.
So what does parenting look like in today’s world with things so different? First we should talk about what is different.
The drugs the kids use today are different, there has always been drugs, just not the type of drugs that do the damage that say Crack does. How about Sex? Sex has never been more casual as it is today, oral sex isn’t even considered sex. Technology is way different today than it was in the past. There is so much stimulation between HD TV with 500 different channels, Cell phones with texting and pictures. Computers, the internet, it goes on and on. The media has a bigger influence than ever, it is telling our kids what to eat, what to wear, how much to weigh, what cars to drive, that sex is cool, it’s basically telling our kids who to be.
This is a good time to look at how you parent, don’t wait until they are 17 years old, although if you are looking now, keep looking. So, what does it look like to parent in today’s world?
It looks like WAKING UP AND PAYING ATTENTION! I hope I didn’t offend any one, but this is the first thing you need to do, and then after rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and looking at what is really going on, then and only then can you start parenting effectively. This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s going to be easier with your eyes open because now you know what you’re dealing with. How do you open your eyes? Start by just looking at the behavior of your teen, and then start asking them questions to find out what they believe. Being asleep is believing that because you said so “it is”. Awaken to the fact that your teen is their own person with their own believes and views.
In my girls circles I hear constantly “my parents think I’m this and I’m not”. Your teens aren’t being honest with you because you aren’t giving them a choice to be honest. So start asking them questions about things in the world and when they answer and it’s not your answer, don’t condemn them. Instead maybe say “that’s an interesting point of view”. This is how you are going to get to know your kids, by asking them questions and letting them answer with their own minds, not yours. I’m reading a book write now called 14 Minutes by Jodi Picoult and it’s unbelievable how the parents don’t have a clue who their teens are, and what I realized is that this is the reality.
If you want to get to know your kids…Really, start listening to them. Stop trying to control them and stop trying to get them to be like you and believe your beliefs. Turn the tables around, how would it feel if you had a friend that never allowed you to have your own opinion about anything and was always pushing her beliefs onto you. I would feel totally discounted as a person and like I wasn’t important. Do you want your teens to feel this way? No, of course you don’t.
Every opportunity you get ask them about everything- smoking, drugs, sex, styles, suicide, integrity, schooling, friendships, I could go on and on. When you ask them, really listen to what they are saying, this will give you the insight into who they are. Don’t judge what they are saying, just listen, you may be very surprised at what they start telling you about themselves without your judgments getting in their way.
When we listen to what they are saying we get the opportunity to really get to know them in a deeper more connected way. For some of you this is going to take practice and your teens aren’t going to start sharing who they are right away because they are shut down and afraid you are going to judge them for who they are, because it is different than you. Stay with it, keep asking questions, and keep listening and leaving out your opinions and judgments and I guarantee they will start sharing more. Just try it for a month and see if things change within your relationship with your teen.
It is going to take a new way of parenting to get the results that we want with our teen, which I hope is to have a more connected, honest relationship with them.
Try it and let me know how it goes, it’s all about loving them unconditionally and letting them be and grow into the person they want to be, not how you see them or want them to be.
In my attempt to go away and not do a bit of work, I was amazed at how many situations came into my day to get me to not relax and work or simply hold myself to a scheduled day. It started as we were leaving going through Phoenix. We stopped by and dropped off books to an organization that helps kids deal with their parents being deported for war. How could I turn that down, right?
Then once I got there, I was working on getting together with another gal that someone told me would be a great contact. I had posted my trip on my Facebook account so a friend of mine 15 minutes away wanted to get together, and another friend in from Mexico was 10 minutes away.
It was tough but I had to first tell my friends that even though it seems unreasonable, I just couldn’t make plans to see them this trip and even though the business contact might have been a good idea, my shutting down was a better idea. What I realized is that we have a lot going on in life and if we don’t make time to just simply shut down and do nothing, guess what, we never will.
So, I battled with myself a bit to be on vacation really. One of the things we saw that made me so happy was the seals, here are some pictures.
I love Seals, even the big ones, that appear to be mean…
It was cloudy and a bit rainy and I didn’t care. We relaxed, walked on the beach, saw the seals, pigged out on sea food, and laid around and read. It was a great lesson in paying attention to my life, because if I hadn’t been paying mind to the fact that I really need to relax and shut down, I would have been on auto-pilot and booked away and not had time to really relax.
It was a great trip and a great learning for me and I can’t wait for my next vacation to relax.
Do you have any stories about how you relax or not? Let me know…
So, when is it okay to quit? I use to be that person that never gave up, even if it wasn’t in my best interest. The thought of not finishing or failing at something gave me high anxiety. I was the person that would say “Sure I can carry the house, I’m strong enough”, no matter what.
It took me a long time to realize that it might not be a good idea to carry a house. I had to start bringing in the part of me that was okay with not accomplishing it all. I also looked at the part of me that wasn’t okay with myself and had to prove that the only way to be okay was to be good at everything and never quit anything.
It was holiday vacation time for me, my boyfriend and his 15 year-old twins and we all decided to go Snowboarding. I used to Ski 13 years ago and thought Snowboarding would be tough, but I’d be able to do it, even though my physical health was on the mend. I have been working out most of my life but through my health stuff had taken 2 years off.
The first day Ian, one of the twins and myself took group lessons just to make sure we had our form down and didn’t learn any bad habits. After our lesson we proceeded up the mountain with the rest and I was shocked at how bad I was, and how hard it was. I couldn’t stay up for longer than 7 seconds.
When I was up my legs were burning like someone was throwing hot water on them. I don’t know how many of you have snowboarded but you need a strong core and strong legs. Both of which have been on the mend for the last 6 months for me. I have always been so strong in my body and very athletic, so this for me wasn’t easy to handle. After doing so poorly the first day, I had to make a decision if I was going to give it another whirl. Let me remind you that I had fallen so many times that my butt was bruised, and both my arms and legs felt light they had been pulled out of their sockets. So, I slept on it.
The next morning I decided to give it one more day because I felt that it wasn’t a fair assessment only after one day. So I took a private lesson, and really felt like I had learned so much more, that it had to make a difference. So after my lesson I went up the bunny hill to practice with a whole new level of excitement. I got to the top and to my surprise it was like I had never had a lesson. At first I was so disappointed, and wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could do it and then something shifted in me. I became very compassionate for how hard I had tried even with my body in it’s repairing stage.
I finally got to the bottom and took off the board and went and had a hot chocalate, and allowed myself to be disappointed without beating myself up. I realized that it was okay for me not to be a snowboarder (right now), that I would ski until my body was stronger to handle a sport that took so much strength.
I realized I gave it my best shot, (I have the bruises to prove it) and that it felt okay inside to let it go. Now that doesn’t mean I well never snowboard again, it just means that it’s okay if I don’t. If you are like I was, always pushing yourself to the edge, weather it is good for you or not or if you push your teens passed their limit, look inside yourself and ask why.
As long as you give something your best shot and you decide that for whatever reason you don’t like it, or just simply don’t want to do it, it’s okay to quit. It doesn’t make you a loser, on the contrary, it makes you a person who will try anything and a person who loves them self.
How do you think your next partner will feel if you have slept with other guys?
