In our attempt to be connected with our kids, friends, co-workers or family, do cell phones disconnected us to the person right next to us?

How many times have you seen a group of people together  but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones.  Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?

Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.

How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens?  Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.

It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone.  Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with.  Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.

It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?

So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them.  Here are a few tips.

1)  Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2)  If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3)  Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4)  Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5)  Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6)  Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7)  No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents

Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.

If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them.  There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra

I was talking with a parent yesterday and we were discussing her concerns with bullying, and how prevalent it is with teens today.  So, this morning I thought that I would write about it.  In the mean time I was looking through my information on bullying and I found this article about Bullying Being A Big Problem by Kids Health and I am excited to see how thorough the information is.

Every time I facilitate a workshop, no matter what the topic is, I always talk to girls about how they treat each other. What’s it is like to be bullied, and what makes a girl be a bully.

I was bullied as a teen for many years, and the despair I would feel every morning before going to school was deep.  The anxiety that I felt daily was unbearable.  When I became a parent of teens myself, I was looking at my behavior to make sure that I wasn’t teaching my girls to be bullies.

As parents we need to look at our actions to see if we are creating bullies.  Every teen has insecurities that can show up in different ways.  It can show up as being very shy or so insecure that they bully. Working on self esteem helps both side of being bullied and being a bully. It’s up to us as parents to see where our teens fall in that spectrum.

Enjoy this article, it is packed full of great information.

Bullying Is a Big Problem

Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don’t always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.

Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.

Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don’t fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.

Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).

Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website - practices that are known as cyberbullying.

How Does Bullying Make People Feel?

One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.

Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.

Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.

Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It’s estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.

Who Bullies?

Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.

Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.

Although most bullies think they’re hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past - maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.

Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.

What Can You Do?

For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.

One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.

Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.

Adults in positions of authority - parents, teachers, or coaches - can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.

If you’re in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.

Bullying Survival Tips

Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They’re also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:

• Ignore the bully and walk away. It’s definitely not a coward’s response - sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you’re telling the bully that you just don’t care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you’re not vulnerable.
• Hold the anger. Who doesn’t want to get really upset with a bully? But that’s exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you’re in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can’t walk away with poise, use humor - it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
• Don’t get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don’t use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that’s not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
• Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
• Take charge of your life. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best - and your strongest - so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It’s a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
• Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you’re being bullied.

Find your (true) friends. If you’ve been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what’s true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, “I know the rumor’s not true. I didn’t pay attention to it,” can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is - petty, rude, and immature.

What if You’re the Big Bully

All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they’re feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape - it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it’s no excuse for being the bully.

If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person’s side.

Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable - even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don’t respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character - even look up to you as a leader - find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.

Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It’s never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.

Steps To Stop Bullying in School

If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.

You can try to talk to the bully. If you don’t feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully’s locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.

Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully - especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they’re not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they’re vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don’t like the bully’s behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.

When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully’s reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.

Another way to combat bullying is to join your school’s anti-violence program or, if your school doesn’t have one, to start one of your own.

We need to educate our teens on the dangers of smoking and have open discussions with them about the appeal of smoking.

This is another great article from Sue Scheff: Flavored Cigarette Ban and Teens

source Connect with Kids

“They’re marketing towards us, and there’s not much we can do about it but just not buy it.”

– Forrest, 18

The Food and Drug Administration has now banned flavored cigarettes in American in an attempt to lower the teen smoking rate.  Clove and mint and chocolate flavored cigarettes will no longer be sold in the U.S.  But already tobacco companies are finding loop-holes in the new FDA rules.

The packaging was sleek with the promise of a sweet smell and taste.

“I saw two of them,” says Adina, 15. “One of them was, like, Kahlua flavored, and one was, like, lime.

Another teen, who doesn’t want us to use his name, says he tried them once. “I guess ‘cause it had a flavor to it.”

Flavored cigarettes are now banned under new FDA legislation, but tobacco companies have found a way to keep their hands in the primarily under-30 market: flavored cigars.

Still, experts say, parents have the power to keep their kids from picking up the habit.  “Sitting down and talking about how advertising works, how companies — regardless of what they’re advertising — what hooks they use in trying to manipulate you into buying products,” says Linda Lee, anti-smoking advocate.

Forrest, 18, says teens can take matters a step further. “They’re marketing towards us, and there’s not much we can do about it but just not buy it.”

Tips for Parents

Patrick Reynolds was the first tobacco industry executive to turn his back on the cigarette makers. His grandfather founded tobacco company R.J. Reynolds, but the family’s cigarette brands, Camel and Winston, killed his father and eldest brother. He has devoted his life to the goal of a smoke-free society and motivates young people to stay tobacco free. Patrick Reynolds first spoke against tobacco to Congress in 1986. Over the years he has reached over a million youngsters through his talks to school groups.

• One study shows that 25 percent of 12- to 13-year-olds who smoke as few as two or three cigarettes a day become addicted in just two weeks.
• It takes the average smoker 17 years to quit.
• Tobacco products cause mental and physical addiction in users.
• It’s very hard to quit: 95 percent who quit without an aid go back to smoking within a year, 85 percent of those who use a patch, gum or other program to quit are unsuccessful for more than one year.
• The average smoker spends $1,200 on the addiction each year.
• Most smokers started smoking as teens, and 40 percent of smokers will die from a disease resulting from their addiction.
• In the United States, smoking causes one of every five deaths. Cigarettes kill 1,200 Americans every day, or 420,000 Americans each year. Globally, deaths total 5 million annually.

Every day in the United States, 3,000 teens become newly addicted to smoking. Smoking ads are designed to manipulate minds. Teens represent any business’ future. Tobacco companies are extremely sensitive to this fact and look to find new users in young demographics.

• Today 75 percent of Americans do not smoke, and this percentage is even lower among teens. Remind children that being a non-smoker is normal and widely accepted.
• Eighty-six percent of teens say they don’t want to date someone who smokes.
• Movie characters are more likely to smoke than people in real life. Films mislead many teens into thinking that smoking is more popular than it really is.
• Stores are paid up to $100 a month for each countertop display of tobacco products in the store. Plus, they make a lot of money from the cigarettes their customers buy.
• In many places it is illegal to smoke indoors. Tell your child that he or she will be smoking outside of his or her future workplace and college and will be doing so in the heat, cold, rain, snow, etc.

Bullying, this seems to be a very hot topic in the school system today.  Who are these bullies?  Where are they? Why do they bully?

Bullies can be anyone, any age, any size, and any color.  Bullying is in the school system, the adult work environment, it’s everywhere.

People bully because they don’t feel good about themselves, they have low self-esteem.  Someone threatens them some how and they go into reaction mode. How can someone become threaten, is it because of insecurities. Someone at school is better at something, or they think someone is prettier, more popular, someone gets a promotion, and it goes on and on. If they feel threatened by someone else, they react, and sometimes their reactions are very mean.   They are not conscious of how mean they really are. I don’t believe that if people knew they were mean people, that they would continue behaving that way.

I was just having a conversation with a friend this week regarding her daughter in high school that was being bullied. It started out with one girl treating her poorly, and then within 2 months had escalated to 13 girls.  This girl that was being bullied is such a sweet gal, and doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, a perfect victim for bullies.  She had lost her appetite; she wasn’t sleeping much, and was having such anxiety. It is such a shame, the grief that these bullies caused this girl. The mother decided to pull her daughter out of the school she was in and put her in another one.

This decision proved to be a good one; it immediately has made a difference in her behavior. It’s hard to know what is right for each person. If you are being bullied, first there is no easy solution, talk to someone about it and come up with a game plan. Don’t let it get out of hand. If you’re a bully start to look at your behavior.  When something triggers you, do you lash out at people? If so, start to look at why and what causes this behavior.

Wake up to your actions, stop spreading harm in the world, stop participating in the negative influences.  Start aiding in the healing of the planet and peoples soul. Really start paying attention to your behavior and how you affect others.

Let me know if you have been bullied or been a bully at some point in your life and how this has affected you.

I remember when my oldest was 11 years old and she wanted a party, and was a bit confused about what to do. It was going to be Halloween, so at least there was a theme.  I remember making up different games to entertain them and it was a good thing. At first my daughter was like “Mom that will be stupid”,  but when the party started, and they were all looking for fun things to do, we were both happy that the dorky Mom came through.

One idea that I am going to share with you is a My Feet Aren’t Ugly Journaling Party for your daughter and her friends. Girls love to journal.  I have a kit that comes with my book, My Feet Aren’t Ugly, Journaling pages, a cool pen, and why journaling is so good for you. You can also use the kit for Birthday parties, and have the girls write on the journaling pages a song for the birthday girls to keep.  If you are really eager to please you can teach the girls how to make there own journals, I do this in my workshops. The girls love making their own journals to write in.

Journaling has always been a part of my life and I think it’s a good place to put your feelings, where there is no judgments from anyone.

A few great party ideas:

*Beauty Salon Day- only the girls do pedicures, manicures, and mask on each other

*Scavenger Hunts are always fun, no matter what your age

* Hollywood Parties are fun-dress up like your favorite star and throw a red carpet down and check off their names as they come in and for the first hour they have to play the part of the star.

*Bowling Parties are also fun

These are just a few ideas for fun parties. E-mail me if you want to talk about getting some My feet aren’t Ugly Journal kits, the cost is only $14.99 each.

Also, let me know your favorite party ideas.

What a story… about the 18, teenage girls creating a pregnancy pact in Gloucester, Massachusetts, and on the same day that Jamie Lynn Spears gives birth to her baby.

For the first time since 1991, birth rates have risen 3 percent in 2006, according to preliminary data released in December by the National Center for Health Statistics.

It seems that this is another opportunity for parents to get close and personal with their teenagers. Instead of freaking out, ask your teenager what they think about all of this. Ask them what they think it would be like to raise a baby at there age. Communicate with your teen about issues that could affect them. Pretending like these issue don’t exist, doesn’t make it so.

Many parents are thinking how will this affect my teenager, will she think it’s cool to get pregnant? Maybe so, so you better find out and start the communication now! The only way to help your teen today is to talk to them about everything that is out there that the media is bringing to light. It’s a great opportunity to find out what they are thinking and to educate them on the real facts of a situation.

When my oldest daughter was 13 years old, I was sitting outside with her and 2 of her friends and I said to them, “Your pregnant, what are you going to do?” Hypothetically. Each one of them had a different answer. One said have the baby and keep it, one said have the baby and give it away, and the other said abort.

So, you don’t know what your teen is thinking until you ask. Start talking to your teens about everything, bring all of the issues to the light and discuss them, pregnancy, sex, drug use, eating disorders, everything. It’s up to us as parents to go to our teens and talk about things. Research the information together on the favorite tool, the Internet, and find out the facts.

We live in a different world today, compared to when I was a teenager or even my girls where teens. We have to pay attention to our kids and what’s going on with them and other teens.

Good luck parents, and let me know how it goes.

I spend a fair amount of time with teenage girls and I have notice that some have great social skills and others are lacking.

Last Friday I got to spend the day with a great group of girls at Copper Canyon Academy. I presented 2 workshops about loving yourself from the inside out. Even thought some of these girls have issues they are dealing with, all in all they were very respectful, and their social skills seemed to be in tact. I have also presented workshop at another school here in town and notice an extreme difference. They were, not all of them but quite a few of them were very rude and non-engaging. I started to look at what the differences could be, after talking with staff about this very issue.

The school that was so disrespectful didn’t have strict rules, and the teens where running the show. The other school where the teens were more engaging and a lot more polite had a very strict curriculum, and the teachers and staff was obviously running the school and the teens knew it.

I’m not saying to be militant with the way you raise your teens, but I do believe that if they think they are the boss, they probably won’t know how to handle the authority, and it will come off bossy, and rude. This is where talking to our teens about social skills is so important. We don’t have to rule with a heavy hand if we are communicating with our teens.

I would love your feedback as a parent and a teen on what makes teens have good social skills.

Wow! Does America shop a lot? Every time I go to a store to get something I need, I see thousands of people consuming. Consuming a lot, a lot of what they don’t need. I watched this video on my computer a few days ago called “The Story of Stuff”. I highly recommend this video to everyone.

It shows how much we consume and why. It has been something that has been on my mind for quite a while. My oldest daughter is always questioning me about the stuff I buy and where it’s made. If a nice shirt cost $9.99, you have to wonder how they made it so cheap. The cost aren’t cheap at all, it’s just who is paying for it, if we aren’t.

The video “The Story of Stuff” talks about how we watch TV, only to be told by the ad’s that we aren’t good enough because we don’t have the up and coming stuff. We work, watch TV, shop, sleep, work, watch TV, shop. It’s a viscous cycle. This video really helped me understand how TV makes me feel bad about myself, and since I’m all about building self-esteem in teenage girls and helping parents raise their teenage girl with confidence. I say monitor the TV your teen watches and watch this video “The Story of Stuff” with your teen. Healthy Happy Teens, isn’t that what we all want?

After you see it, let me know what you think. Debra