I was talking with a parent yesterday and we were discussing her concerns with bullying, and how prevalent it is with teens today.  So, this morning I thought that I would write about it.  In the mean time I was looking through my information on bullying and I found this article about Bullying Being A Big Problem by Kids Health and I am excited to see how thorough the information is.

Every time I facilitate a workshop, no matter what the topic is, I always talk to girls about how they treat each other. What’s it is like to be bullied, and what makes a girl be a bully.

I was bullied as a teen for many years, and the despair I would feel every morning before going to school was deep.  The anxiety that I felt daily was unbearable.  When I became a parent of teens myself, I was looking at my behavior to make sure that I wasn’t teaching my girls to be bullies.

As parents we need to look at our actions to see if we are creating bullies.  Every teen has insecurities that can show up in different ways.  It can show up as being very shy or so insecure that they bully. Working on self esteem helps both side of being bullied and being a bully. It’s up to us as parents to see where our teens fall in that spectrum.

Enjoy this article, it is packed full of great information.

Bullying Is a Big Problem

Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don’t always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.

Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.

Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don’t fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.

Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).

Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website - practices that are known as cyberbullying.

How Does Bullying Make People Feel?

One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.

Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.

Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.

Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It’s estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.

Who Bullies?

Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.

Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.

Although most bullies think they’re hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past - maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.

Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.

What Can You Do?

For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.

One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.

Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.

Adults in positions of authority - parents, teachers, or coaches - can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.

If you’re in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.

Bullying Survival Tips

Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They’re also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:

• Ignore the bully and walk away. It’s definitely not a coward’s response - sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you’re telling the bully that you just don’t care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you’re not vulnerable.
• Hold the anger. Who doesn’t want to get really upset with a bully? But that’s exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you’re in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can’t walk away with poise, use humor - it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
• Don’t get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don’t use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that’s not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
• Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
• Take charge of your life. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best - and your strongest - so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It’s a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
• Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you’re being bullied.

Find your (true) friends. If you’ve been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what’s true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, “I know the rumor’s not true. I didn’t pay attention to it,” can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is - petty, rude, and immature.

What if You’re the Big Bully

All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they’re feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape - it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it’s no excuse for being the bully.

If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person’s side.

Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable - even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don’t respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character - even look up to you as a leader - find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.

Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It’s never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.

Steps To Stop Bullying in School

If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.

You can try to talk to the bully. If you don’t feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully’s locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.

Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully - especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they’re not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they’re vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don’t like the bully’s behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.

When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully’s reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.

Another way to combat bullying is to join your school’s anti-violence program or, if your school doesn’t have one, to start one of your own.

Two weekends ago my boyfriend and I went to a Harville Hendrix relationship workshop to gather more tools to relate to each other.  It was truly a wonderful experience.  Ever since I can remember I have been on a path of self development to achieve the self love necessary to maintain an open heart to create safety for myself and others.

This was one of the first workshops that I have been to that their theories were based on, a relationship with your primary partner was a platform to do your inner child work and you where responsible for your partners safety.  Now, I’ve been doing partnership work to heal childhood wounds  for a while, but not with the twist that we were responsible for each others safety.  What does this mean? I have been taught all my life that I am responsible for my own growth, healing and safety.  What I got out of it, wasn’t that your partner is completely responsible for how you feel, but there is a responsibility there.

If you are doing something to your partner that triggers him or her, and touches on one of their childhood wounds and you know that this triggers them, why wouldn’t you make the effort to stop triggering them, showing up differently, so they could heal that wound.  This is where the responsibility lays.  When we change our behavior around our partners wounds, we aide in the healing process instead of wounding them more by ignoring their needs.

So, with this information, I thought how is this  different with our children. The only differnece is we might be the ones creating the wounds in the first place, that they will spend their entire adult years trying to overcome.

The most critical information I got out of the workshop was how to listen, validate and have empathy for my partner and realize he is his own person and he is not me.  If we listen to our teens, validate their feelings, and have empathy for them and really get that they are not us, they are their own person on their own journey through life, this behavior alone changes the dynamic of the relationship.

We all want to be heard, validated and of course loved in all of our relationships; friendships, partners,  and children, this is an amazing gift we can give to our kids and anyone in our life.

We need to educate our teens on the dangers of smoking and have open discussions with them about the appeal of smoking.

This is another great article from Sue Scheff: Flavored Cigarette Ban and Teens

source Connect with Kids

“They’re marketing towards us, and there’s not much we can do about it but just not buy it.”

– Forrest, 18

The Food and Drug Administration has now banned flavored cigarettes in American in an attempt to lower the teen smoking rate.  Clove and mint and chocolate flavored cigarettes will no longer be sold in the U.S.  But already tobacco companies are finding loop-holes in the new FDA rules.

The packaging was sleek with the promise of a sweet smell and taste.

“I saw two of them,” says Adina, 15. “One of them was, like, Kahlua flavored, and one was, like, lime.

Another teen, who doesn’t want us to use his name, says he tried them once. “I guess ‘cause it had a flavor to it.”

Flavored cigarettes are now banned under new FDA legislation, but tobacco companies have found a way to keep their hands in the primarily under-30 market: flavored cigars.

Still, experts say, parents have the power to keep their kids from picking up the habit.  “Sitting down and talking about how advertising works, how companies — regardless of what they’re advertising — what hooks they use in trying to manipulate you into buying products,” says Linda Lee, anti-smoking advocate.

Forrest, 18, says teens can take matters a step further. “They’re marketing towards us, and there’s not much we can do about it but just not buy it.”

Tips for Parents

Patrick Reynolds was the first tobacco industry executive to turn his back on the cigarette makers. His grandfather founded tobacco company R.J. Reynolds, but the family’s cigarette brands, Camel and Winston, killed his father and eldest brother. He has devoted his life to the goal of a smoke-free society and motivates young people to stay tobacco free. Patrick Reynolds first spoke against tobacco to Congress in 1986. Over the years he has reached over a million youngsters through his talks to school groups.

• One study shows that 25 percent of 12- to 13-year-olds who smoke as few as two or three cigarettes a day become addicted in just two weeks.
• It takes the average smoker 17 years to quit.
• Tobacco products cause mental and physical addiction in users.
• It’s very hard to quit: 95 percent who quit without an aid go back to smoking within a year, 85 percent of those who use a patch, gum or other program to quit are unsuccessful for more than one year.
• The average smoker spends $1,200 on the addiction each year.
• Most smokers started smoking as teens, and 40 percent of smokers will die from a disease resulting from their addiction.
• In the United States, smoking causes one of every five deaths. Cigarettes kill 1,200 Americans every day, or 420,000 Americans each year. Globally, deaths total 5 million annually.

Every day in the United States, 3,000 teens become newly addicted to smoking. Smoking ads are designed to manipulate minds. Teens represent any business’ future. Tobacco companies are extremely sensitive to this fact and look to find new users in young demographics.

• Today 75 percent of Americans do not smoke, and this percentage is even lower among teens. Remind children that being a non-smoker is normal and widely accepted.
• Eighty-six percent of teens say they don’t want to date someone who smokes.
• Movie characters are more likely to smoke than people in real life. Films mislead many teens into thinking that smoking is more popular than it really is.
• Stores are paid up to $100 a month for each countertop display of tobacco products in the store. Plus, they make a lot of money from the cigarettes their customers buy.
• In many places it is illegal to smoke indoors. Tell your child that he or she will be smoking outside of his or her future workplace and college and will be doing so in the heat, cold, rain, snow, etc.

I found this article on teen bullying on Family First Aid and I thought is was interesting.  Is has become a problem with teenage girls.  What is the issue here?  Is it just low self-esteem?  The parents I talk to often tell me that when they comfort the parents of a bully, the parents themselves are bully’s.

I think we need a program in school to address these issue. I love the format that Challenge Day has set up.  It helps teen have empathy for others.  So let me know if your teen is experiencing problems in school, and what solutions worked for you or didn’t.

What is school bullying?
Bullying includes a wide variety of behaviors, but all involve a person or a group repeatedly trying to harm someone who is weaker or more vulnerable. It can involve direct attacks (such as hitting, threatening or intimidating, maliciously teasing and taunting, name-calling, making sexual remarks, and stealing or damaging belongings) or more subtle, indirect attacks (such as spreading rumors or encouraging others to reject or exclude someone).

How common is teen bullying?
Almost 30 percent of teens in the United States (or over 5.7 million) are estimated to be involved in school bullying as either a bully, a target of teen bullying, or both. In a recent national survey of students in grades 6 to 10, 13 percent reported bullying others, 11 percent reported being the target of school bullies, and another 6 percent said they bullied others and were bullied themselves.

Limited available data suggest that teen bullying is much more common among younger teens than older teens. As teens grow older, they are less likely to bully others and to be the targets of bullies.

School bullying occurs more frequently among boys than girls. Teenage boys are much more likely to bully others and to be the targets of bullies. While both boys and girls say others bully them by making fun of the way they look or talk, boys are more likely to report being hit, slapped, or pushed. Teenage girls are more often the targets of rumors and sexual comments. While teenage boys target both boys and girls, teenage girls most often bully other girls, using more subtle and indirect forms of aggression than boys. For example, instead of physically harming others, they are more likely to spread gossip or encourage others to reject or exclude another girl.

How does school bullying affect teens who are the targets of bullies?
Teen bullying can lead teenagers to feel tense, anxious, and afraid. It can affect their concentration in school, and can lead them to avoid school in some cases. If teen bullying continues for some time, it can begin to affect teens’ self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. It also can increase their social isolation, leading them to become withdrawn and depressed, anxious and insecure. In extreme cases, bullying can be devastating for teens, with long-term consequences. Some teens feel compelled to take drastic measures, such as carrying weapons for protection or seeking violent revenge. Others, in desperation, even consider suicide. Researchers have found that years later, long after the bullying has stopped, adults who were bullied as teens have higher levels of depression and poorer self-esteem than other adults.

What are the long-term consequences of teen bullying behavior?
Teen bullying is often a warning sign that children and teens are heading for trouble and are at risk for serious violence. Teens (particularly boys) who bully are more likely to engage in other antisocial/delinquent behavior (e.g., vandalism, shoplifting, truancy, and drug use) into adulthood. They are four times more likely than nonbullies to be convicted of crimes by age 24, with 60 percent of bullies having at least one criminal conviction.

Information obtained from CDC

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I am preparing for a Girls Intentions Workshop  October 17th and it really has me thinking about everything involved in Our Intentions. Our intentions are not just what we intend to do now or in the future.  I think that most people think of intentions as a part of manifesting what we want. This is an important part but not the only part.

I think our intentions first must start with our actions, and holding ourselves accountable.  If we set an intention to be able to manifest something we want in our lives; a connection with our teen, money, or a different career, it is ultimately our actions that create our reality.  Just setting an intention and not taking any action at all, may not create what we want.  If we look at our life, it is mostly a culmination of our thoughts and actions.

Our thoughts are important because it is tough to create what we want if we are stuck in a negative place.  If we aren’t enjoying the creation of what we are trying to bring into our lives it will prevent us from exploring all the amazing areas of this creations. When we are in a good place in ourselves we tend to be more creative and things just flow better for us .

So first to set an intention, and then really look at what needs to be done to bring that intention into our life.  If I want to change my career and become a Doctor,  I’m pretty sure that just by me writing it down on a piece of paper and hoping, isn’t going to have me at the hospital healing people anytime soon.  The action to go back to school is needed.

It is the same with our relationships with our teenagers.  We can hope and wish all day long that we have a better relationship with our teen, but until we start looking at our actions and how they affect the relationship, it won’t change.  If our intentions are one thing and our actions don’t step up to the plate, our intention may not come to fruition.

So, the first thing I will help the teen girls understand is that our actions are a direct results of our reality.  If our life looks a certain way, we need to look at what actions we have been taking in our life. Then we will talk about our attitudes and how our negative behaviors may be hindering the outcome of what we want to bring in.  Then and only then setting the intention to bring it in, knowing that we are going to bring the power into it physically and mentally through our action.

Then we will cement our intentions through creating a Vision Board.  It is a powerful workshop that is very impactful with not only teens but with anyone working on shifting their life.

Let me know what your feelings are around this and if you have experienced this is the past.