What a private subject, the diary of a teenage girl, or the journal of a women.  Some of my most intimate thoughts were and are put into my journals.  When I write in my journal it gets me closer to who I am. It’s the same for our girls, when they write in their diary, the witness their words and figure things out.

I encourage you as a Mom to start writing in a journal and also encourage your daughter to get a diary/journal and express herself through writing down her feelings.  It’s so powerful and life changing.  I also encourage you to allow it to be private, don’t violate her privacy by reading it, and let her know that her journal is for her private thoughts.

Look online and make journals together, there easy and very special when you make them yourself.  My journaling workshop where we make our own journals have been very successful, the girls love them.  My daughter taught me how to make them.

Have fun and express yourself through journaling, and talk to your daughter about how she feels when she writes in it.

Is raising teenage girls tougher than it seems? My answer is No, it doesn’t have to be.  When my daughters came into their teenage years, everyone was telling that these were going to be the toughest years.  Well, they weren’t.  I enjoyed raising teenage girls, we had so much fun together.  The key to enjoying raising your girls is get involved with them. I used to play board games with them and their friends, go on vacations with them and of course their friends. I did a lot with them…and their friends.

Great Tip: Include Their Friends

I think including their friends helped my relationship with them.  First of all at a certain age they want to be with their friends more than you, this is normal.  I see so many parents fighting this and excluding their friends.  I didn’t want my daughters spending time with only to be waiting for our time together to end so they could hang out with their friends.  Grocery shopping was even an event with their friends.  I actually remember a time when my daughters couldn’t go and one of their friends wanted to, so we went together

If you want to know your teens well, know their friends well also.  Because I wasn’t trying to exclude their friends, it made hanging out with them not only easy but totally enjoyable.  Today, we have so many stories about fun adventures that they remember with all of us, including their friends, and their friends have fond memories too.  So parents, if you want to spend more time with your teenagers, include their friends.

Have fun and let me know if you already do this.

Our teenagers will never know how much heart-ache we as parents go through until they are parents themselves one day.  With every incident that makes them shed a tear our heart breaks.  Here is an e-mail from a parent experiencing just what I am talking about.

I recently went online to do some research to see if I could get some insight on what to do,  due soley to the fact that my daughter, 13, has been going through some tough times with self-esteem issues, especially with her looks.  Of course I am her Mom, but I, as well as everyone else around her, can see she is very intelligent, athletic, and just a beautiful girl inside and out.  She also has some very nice friends, with whom she sees on a regular basis. The problem is she just does not see for herself all of her wonderful qualities.  It is a tough age, and I remember very well going through this myself at a young age and I am concerned.  I think it is harder now, as a Mom, to watch.

One night recently, I went into my daughter’s bedroom to tell her goodnight and I found her crying. I asked her if we could talk.  The reason had to do with a party that a girl she does not know very well is having but my daughter did not get invited, even though some of her other friends did.  She immediately attributed this to how she looks.  I asked her to try to look at things from a different viewpoint and find the best way to remain positive for herself. (maybe the girl’s mom limited her number of guests etc..)

This is a very difficult thing and it is all-consuming sometimes.  I try not to smother her with my advice but just be there for her always (and it is even hard for me to find the right way to handle this sometimes.

Does this feel and sound familiar parents?  It sure hit home with me.  It’s tricky to do and say the right things and leave your teen feeling good about themselves.  I talk to parents all the time expressing their concern and empathy for their teens.  Here’s the thing, even with a connected relationship with your daughter your not always going to do and say the right thing and have it received with open arms.  All I can say is keep trying, open your heart real wide and then jump into their reality and feel their pain.  Then and only then can you truly support your daughter.  Just keep being there for her with your open heart, without any judgments, just with your love for her and I promise she has a better chance of figuring things out.

When we witness our own words and feelings in front of someone who loves us unconditionally, with someone standing in a place of love, we figure things out.  So parents, Word Up…if you’re not already doing this explore how it feels when you try it on. Settle into your heart, step into her reality and listen from that place, see what it does for her and also see how it feels to you.  I really got from this mother’s e-mail that she was so standing in her daughter’s reality and in her heart space. Try this in all of your relationships, it feels so good.

Let me know how it feels.

I was talking to a woman the other night that just turned 5o-years-old and she was telling how hard it was for her to get older.  That she use to get all this attention from men and now “Nothing”.   She started beating herself up about how her looks were changing and she didn’t like it.  She mentioned the cellulite on the back of her legs, the wrinkles on her face, and her lacking of breast size.  I asked her how many times a day she makes a comment inside her head or out loud about the issues she sees as defects on her body?  Before she answered she said something else to beat herself up about her body and then said about a million.

The odd thing about this is that she is the norm, most girls and women make an obscene amount of negative comments about their bodies everyday, it’s sad but true.  I told her that I too have self-esteem issues and I work on overcoming this everyday, every minute and every second of each day of my life.  The difference between her and myself is that I am conscious about how damaging the beatings are day in and day out. Instead of staying in that place of constant negative comments, I immediately go to the healing part and create a positive space for the healing of those wounds.

I asked her to pretend she had  a 5-year-old daughter, and now picture yourself following her around all day long making negative comments about her body.  “Are you gaining weight, you look so fat,  your nose is crooked, we need to fix that, try not to smile so wide your teeth are a little crooked, your hair looks like crap today, maybe you shouldn’t go out”.  Day in and day out you are beating her up about her imperfections, every time she is feeling joyful you make a comment.  This is what we do to our self all day long, some of us even dream about ourselves negatively.

I explained to her what I do to overcome the negative beating , and it looks like this.  First I have pictures of myself around when I was 3, 5 7, and 13-years-old.

Every time I have a negative thought I look at the picture of that precious little girl, so full of love and life and tell her how amazing she is and how grateful I am for having this body that is getting me around. Letting me exercise, taking a walk with my dogs and even just tying my shoes.  I stand in gratitude for what it is doing for me and how lucky I am.

I also have stopped buying into the media, thinking that those bodies are real and that it is so important to have a perfect body.  I remind myself constantly why I am here, the bigger picture of my life, to be a part of the world in a much larger way.  That I am here learning through my life and what my body looks like plays no part in that. I am my essence, my insides, not my body.

So parents, share this with your teens and children, and if you are berating yourself about your body hang ups, stop it and practice this method to allow yourself to have compassion for your little girl.  Even though you are older the beatings still feel as hurtful.  Here are a few tips on how to help yourself and your teen have a good sense of self.
Exchange your negative thoughts for empowering one about your body.  “I am strong in my body”.
Acknowledge yourself  for your strengths and achievements.
Try looking at life differently, why are we here?
Don’t buy into the media, it isn’t real.
Keep pictures of your little girl around to learn how to have compassion for her (yourself).
Focus on the things you love about yourself.
Catch yourself judging others and know that you are really standing in judgment of yourself when you do that.
Hang around people that treat you well and encourage you to be your best.
Take care of yourself physically and emotionally.
Don’t beat yourself up over the mistakes you make, learn from them and move on.
Love yourself for being you, the one and only you.

I hope this helps, parents and helps you help your teens.  If we start now learning how to strengthen that self-esteem muscle, it will be strong when we turn 50-years-old and we can spend our time making a difference in the world instead of concentrating on what is wrong with us.  Let me know what you think and how you rate your self-esteem.

Thanks for participating and keep loving yourself,

First I have to show you pictures of my new kitty, and tell you that I have been looking for another kitty for 8 years.  Yes, 8 years!  My last cat Phil was taken, we think by an owl, here in Sedona, and I haven’t been able to find a kitten that fills his shoes…until now.  His name is Milo Mouse.

Doesn’t he look like a Mouse? Seriously I have been looking at the Human Society for a kitty for 8 years, and just when the moments is right, Milo shows up.  I have 2 dogs Jack and Maggie, that are getting up there in age.

This is Jack, very photogenic, Maggie on the other hand will not let us take pictures of her, she is a beautiful Gorden Setter mix.  Anyway, Jack was at the Doctors the other day and gave us a scare, he’s alright but needless to say while I was in this scare,  I went to the Human Society and guess who was there, yes Milo Mouse.  I knew immediately he was coming home with me.

This little kitty has brought so much more life into our home, which is hard to do because we are a home of love and light to begin with, so I was shocked at how things shifted.  First of all,  he is a blast, and so much fun to have around, ask Jack. Jack is a 12-year-old Lab, and he has a new lease on life. Jack is acting like a puppy again, and Maggie too, she won’t tell us how much she loves Milo, we can just tell.

I share my story with you because I feel that animals are an important part of kids life, they learn so much from having them around. They learn caring, patience, kindness, loyalty, tolerance and most important love.  I have always had animals in my life and have learned so much about myself through them.  We learn from everyone and everything around us, don’t negate anything.

Scientists have discovered, animals have healing powers. When you stroke a cat or pet a dog, you experience a surge of healing hormones and chemicals that produce feelings of peace and serenity.

Let me know how your animals effect your life, and if you’re thinking about getting more.

When I first starting mentoring Teens, I found it to be so rewarding because of the authentic energy teens bring to the table.  What I soon found out was that without mentoring the parents, the teens and I were in No Mans Land!

I am amazed at the speed in which things shift when I am working with both the teens and the parents. Especially when I am working with parents that are open to new ways of parenting.  In today’s world we have to look at parenting in a different way. Parenting in the 50′s is way different than parenting today.

When I am working with parents that are defending their position, instead of looking for new ways to connect to their teen, we spend our time on their position of defense, if you know what I mean.  It takes an brave and honest parent to admit they don’t know everything, and to be open to helping their teens acquire the tools they need to be independent and happy adults.

If we are looking for new ways to communicate and relate to our kids it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to parent.  It means we are always looking for ways to be a better parent. I constantly hear “my daughter has great self-esteem” or “my teen and I get along great” from parents.  My first thought is that’s wonderful, and my second thought is, so lets keep that ball rolling.  I also hear from parents that everything was going just great and Wham, things changed, like over night.

This may seem like it happened over night, but it didn’t, it was progressive.  In the beginning I said the reason I love mentoring teens is because of their authentic energy, they are real.  I’m not sure if parents just don’t realize what’s going on in the household or they are pretending it doesn’t exist.  Either way, it dilutes the ability to shift behaviors.  If we wait as parents until something goes wrong, it’s harder to find balance in the situation.  So, start early helping your teen learn how to love themselves so that they can make better decisions and so you can guide them through this with greater ease.

Take advantage of anything that will help you, help your teen.  You will be happy that you did.  Kick that pride away and get down to business.

Through out our lifetime we keep evolving with everything in our life actually.  Our health, financial issues, we run our companies differently, and we better be parenting differently.  If I look at how my parents raised me and how I raised my kids and how my kids are raising their kids, it’s quite a difference.

I pretty much raised myself, with little to no guidance.  When I had my two daughters I was more involved but was also giving them enough room to explore, maybe too much.  My daughter today is raising my grandson totally different.  She has more boundaries than I had although she is communicating more with her son and giving him choices, to allow him to learn to make decisions on his own.  As parents they participate far more than parents in the past.  It was always a rarity if parents were really involved in there kids life, when I was being raised.

What I realize is that in today’s times it‘s going to take a new approach to keep your kids connected to you.  It’s like we have to be involved but not too involved, no hovering! We have to  guide them without them knowing we are guiding them, leading them into making their own decisions, and making sure they are good ones.  We have a big job, I know if you are reading this, you are up for the task.

Every opportunity you get ask them about everything- smoking, drugs, sex, styles, suicide, integrity, schooling, friendships, I could go on and on. When you ask them, really listen to what they are saying, this will give you the insight into who they are.  Don’t judge what they are saying, just listen, you may be very surprised at what they start telling you about themselves without your judgments getting in their way.

Try it and let me know how it goes, it’s all about loving them unconditionally and letting them be and grow into the person they want to be, not how you see them or want them to be.

Wow, what a  week. Volunteering for the Film Festival, and the PTSA, and doing all of my work, and home stuff too. The question is who’s taking care of me?  The answer is ME! So, if I’m not, guess what, no ones else is. I have had such a sense of overwhelm this week and when I finally realized that I can stop this crazy behavior anytime, it was such a relief.

One of the ways we take care of ourselves is to not over-book our schedule to the point of exhaustion.  I have a lot of energy so what I tend to do is book myself solid. Some of the problems with this is I get tired, and I don’t allow time to relax and wind down.  I really have to pay attention to how much I put on my plate and how much of it’s mine and how much is somebody else’s.  This is just a gentle reminder to all of us out there that are on a treadmill running so fast that our legs are getting tripped up.

Slow down, and take a bath, have a cup of tea or just lay flat and do nothing.  This is all I have to say, breathe, and relax and realize that all of the stuff you need to get done, doesn’t really need to be done today. So, have a great weekend, relaxing.

Before giving the quick tips for self-esteem, lets talk about what self-esteem is.  The Webster’s dictionary says;

Self-Esteem- The esteem or good opinion of oneself.

Now lets look at what esteem is;

Esteem- To set valve on, to regard with respect.

Wow, the opinion of oneself, not the opinion of others…beautiful!  Then to set valve on, again our value of our self. If we don’t value our self, we won’t treat our self with respect, therefore our opinion of our self will be low.  If our opinion is low, our self-respect will be low, and guess what our self-esteem will suffer.

If we have low self-esteem, we will make decisions from a place of lacking confidence.  If our self-esteem is high, we make better decisions for our self.  We want to value who we are, love who we are, and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem. So now that we know what self-esteem is and how important it is, we can implement these tips to strengthen these parts of our self that are critical to being the person we want to be.  So, here they are.

Quick Tips to Self-Esteem

1. Learn to like yourself, make sure that you have the qualities that the people you like have, like caring, honesty, supportive, positive, loyal and communicative.

2. Work on removing the things you dislike about yourself by changing your actions, attitudes or perceptions about those things.

3. Realize what makes you shine comes for the inside of you, not what you look like.

4. Make sure you are being good to yourself by taking care of yourself with positive self-talk, negative self-talk lowers your self-esteem and your light.

5. Practice doing good things for yourself by eating right, exercising, being creative, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress to a minimum.

6. Enjoy being you, you are the only you in the world.

7. Realize we play a big role in the world and we get to pick if we affect it negatively or positively.

So, go out into the world with yourself being the unique, powerful, wonderful being that you are knowing that you have complete control over your behavior and actions.

I Hope this helps, we all need a little boost to remember how to love our self.  Let me know some of the things you do to help yourself strengthen your self-esteem.

Drug prevention with teens is a big worry for a lot of parents.  I found this article again by Sue Scheff that I really liked.  She talks about peer pressure being a major factor in drug use and I agree.  The more confidence your teen has, the better equipped to say “No thanks” and if their peers give them a hard time it will be easier to brush it off and not let it bother them.  If they say no with confidence, their peers respect them.

So enjoy the article and we will talk soon, I am in the middle of finishing my parenting book, hoping to have it out at the beginning of the year.

Be an educated parent

Why do they start? What Should I Look For?

A major factor in drug use is peer pressure. Even teens who think they’re above the influence of peer pressure can often find it hard to refuse trying drugs when they believe their popularity is at stake. Teens may feel that taking drugs or alcohol to fit in is safer than becoming a perceived social exile, and may not realize that their friends will not abandon them simply for refusing a joint or bottle of beer. A popular adage that is thrown around regarding peer pressure says if your friends would abandon you for not accepting an illegal substance, they’re not “real” friends- but try telling this to a teenager. A more effective method is to acknowledge the pressure to fit in and work with your teen to find solutions to these problems before they arise. Suggest that your teen offer to be the designated driver at parties, and work with them to develop a strategy for other situations.

Even agreeing to back your teen up on a carefully crafted story can help enforce your bond with them- giving them the okay to tell their friends to blame you or that you give them random drug tests will go a long way. Knowing they have your support in such a sensitive subject can alleviate many of their fears, and knowing they can trust you helps instill the idea they can come to you with other problems. This is also an excellent time to remind them to never allow friends to drive under the influence and to never get into a car with someone under the influence. Reassure your teenager that if they should give in to peer pressure and become intoxicated or high, or if they have no sober ride home though they are sober themselves that it is always okay to call you for a ride home. Some parents may want to consider getting teens a cell phone for emergency use, or giving them an emergency credit card for cab fare.

Depression is another major factor in drug use. For more in depth information on teenage depression, please visit Sue Scheff™’s Teen Depression Resource. Despite the fact that many substances actually make depression worse, teenagers may be lured in by the initial high, which in theory is only replenished by more drugs. Thus begins the vicious cycle that becomes nearly impossible to break without costly rehabilitation. If you notice your teen is acting differently, it may be time to have a talk with them to address these changes. Remember- do not accuse your teen or criticize them. Drug use is a serious cry for help, and making them feel ashamed or embarrassed can make the problem worse. Some common behavior changes you may notice if your teen is abusing drugs and alcohol are:

•Violent outbursts, disrespectful behavior
•Poor or dropping grades
•Unexplained weight loss or gain
•Skin abrasions, track marks
•Missing curfew, running away, truancy
•Bloodshot eyes, distinct “skunky” odor on clothing and skin
•Missing jewelry money
•New friends
•Depression, apathy, withdrawal
•Reckless behavior

I hope this helps, I think the information is amazing.