One of the ways we take care of ourselves is to not over-book our schedule to the point of exhaustion.  I have a lot of energy so what I tend to do is book myself solid. Some of the problems with this is I get tired, and I don’t allow time to relax and wind down.  I really have to pay attention to how much I put on my plate and how much of it’s mine and how much is somebody else’s.  This is just a gentle reminder to all of us out there that are on a treadmill running so fast that our legs are getting tripped up.

Slow down, and take a bath, have a cup of tea or just lay flat and do nothing.  This is all I have to say, breathe, and relax and realize that all of the stuff you need to get done, doesn’t really need to be done today. So, have a great weekend, relaxing.

Before giving the quick tips for self-esteem, lets talk about what self-esteem is.  The Webster’s dictionary says;

Self-Esteem- The esteem or good opinion of oneself.

Now lets look at what esteem is;

Esteem- To set valve on, to regard with respect.

Wow, the opinion of oneself, not the opinion of others…beautiful!  Then to set valve on, again our value of our self. If we don’t value our self, we won’t treat our self with respect, therefore our opinion of our self will be low.  If our opinion is low, our self-respect will be low, and guess what our self-esteem will suffer.

If we have low self-esteem, we will make decisions from a place of lacking confidence.  If our self-esteem is high, we make better decisions for our self.  We want to value who we are, love who we are, and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem. So now that we know what self-esteem is and how important it is, we can implement these tips to strengthen these parts of our self that are critical to being the person we want to be.  So, here they are.

Quick Tips to Self-Esteem

1. Learn to like yourself, make sure that you have the qualities that the people you like have, like caring, honesty, supportive, positive, loyal and communicative.

2. Work on removing the things you dislike about yourself by changing your actions, attitudes or perceptions about those things.

3. Realize what makes you shine comes for the inside of you, not what you look like.

4. Make sure you are being good to yourself by taking care of yourself with positive self-talk, negative self-talk lowers your self-esteem and your light.

5. Practice doing good things for yourself by eating right, exercising, being creative, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress to a minimum.

6. Enjoy being you, you are the only you in the world.

7. Realize we play a big role in the world and we get to pick if we affect it negatively or positively.

So, go out into the world with yourself being the unique, powerful, wonderful being that you are knowing that you have complete control over your behavior and actions.

I Hope this helps, we all need a little boost to remember how to love our self.  Let me know some of the things you do to help yourself strengthen your self-esteem.

I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.

This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.

Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.

My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

–Mark

Hi Mark,

I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies.  Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc.  I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable.  If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight.  If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.

This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like.  We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are.  Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra

(Mark’s letter to the girl)

Dear Cheryl,

This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago.  I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful.  While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Mark

(Her response back to him)

Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter.  I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest.  That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me.  I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.
Cheryl

Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.

It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.

I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.

Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.

If you are a Mom that is still using tampons or you have teens that are using them, please read this blog and decide for yourself.  Here it is…

Don’t you think organic tampons make sense for something that comes into contact with delicate tissues of our body on a regular basis?It has been estimated that we can use as much as 9,000 tampons in our lifetimes.  I thought this was an exageration but do the math.  As an example, 4 tampons  for 6 days, 12 months a year for 30 years is 8,640. That’s a lot of tampons.

So What’s The Problem With Tampons?

Most tampons are made from a cotton or rayon-cotton blend. Rayon is a synthetic fiber that is made from wood pulp.  It is highly absorbent and it does it’s job well in our tampons.  Cotton while a so called natural fiber may have been bio-engineered and grown with a mess of pesticides, fertilizers and fungicides. . (See organic cotton.) Both of these fibers undergo a bleaching process before being made into tampons and even though this process has been improved to try and eliminate dioxins, trace levels are still being found.

Dioxins

Dioxins are an environmental pollutant and known carcinogenic by product of bleaching and manufacturing processes.  It is now being found in our soil, air and water.  According to the FDA, this may explain how rayon and cotton may always contain some dioxin. Some groups think even the improved bleaching techniques may contribute to some of the dioxins.The FDA says that levels of dioxin are so low, it is not cause for concern. But some doctor’s and other groups are not so sure and are concerned about the cumulative effects of even tiny amounts of dioxins coming in to contact month after month with a very delicate part of our body. No one knows for sure.

According to the National Research Center for Women and Families, dioxin was found in several brands of tampons and at least one 100% cotton brand.  Companies are required to test and report dioxin levels to the FDA.

Sometimes I feel like we’re in a bit of a chemical soup. Fortunately, if we make better choices we can eliminate some of the harmful chemicals that have become so much a part of our everyday lives.  We can purchase organic tampons or pads that are 100% certified organic cotton, do not contain any synthetic materials such as rayon or chemical additives like fragrances and either no bleaching or non-chlorine bleaching such as hydrogen peroxide.Hydrogen peroxide has not been found to create dioxins.  The elimination of chlorine bleaching to treat fibers and all the chemicals needed to grow conventional cotton helps improve things for both us and the environment.

My Choice For Organic Tampons.

I have used tampon products for years and did not make the switch to organic tampons until a few years ago. I had to experiment with a few brands until I found one I could be happy with. I believe the absence of rayon and it’s high absorbency has been a problem.

The most effective brand I have found is made by Natracare.  Natracare can be purchased at most health food stores and quite a few online sources but check out their website, you’ll find quite a bit of interesting information about this and other forms of safe feminine protection.

My purchase of organic tampons is part of my plan for removing as many unnecessary chemicals as I can from my life for myself, family and the environment. Let’s see 8,640 organic tampons per woman, not bad.

I too have been using Natracare brand for many years and like it a lot. Do your research and pick what product you like the best, this is only my preference.  I do know that from what I have researched, organic tampons are far better for us than non-organic. I just felt like it was important to bring this information to you. Let me know what you think.

This year while we sat with good friends to establish our hopes and desires for the year to come, I noticed a big difference in what I was trying to manifest in my life.  Of course I want to continue to work with teens and parents, make sure my book is still available to as many girls who need it, and work on projects like e-books, workshops and other material that will help people.  But what really changed was my deep desire to be more connected with myself and others, to be more open-hearted and to change the way I live in this world.

I want to slow down and be around the people I love and the people that make my heart sing more.  It is often difficult to do this when we are going and going, working and working, and come to the end of our day pooped!  So how can we live our life with more purpose?  Pay attention to what you are doing every day and if it’s not what is making you live in your heart, analyse it.  Then see how you might be able to shift it.  So, if I want certain things in my life, what is it going to take to get them?

I was just talking to my boyfriends Field Representative in his landscape business and she was amazed at the business that was coming in this week.  I work closely with them and we had a talk about bringing in more business last week. She had been working on a book of native flowers to have for clients, also a good tool.  But when she shifting her intentions to bringing in more business it was amazing how fast it started coming in. All she did was move her attention from the book to cultivating new business, and the universe got a clear picture of what she wanted and started putting things in place.

This is so important because what we put our energy or attention on starts gaining momentum.  It’s critical to first look at what you what in your life and then figure out the actions that are going to get you there. Then take those actions.  So if I want to create more connected relationship in my life, what do I need to do?  First I need to to look at which relationships I want to be more connected to, then call those people and put them in my schedule. If I don’t put them in my schedule, guess what, I continue to work and work, and the week ends and I haven’t spend quality time with my friends.  I schedule them just like I do appointments, even though you may think this is too business like, it works for me. Then we get together and so the connection begins. I talk to them about how often they would like to get together and if our relationship is important to them, of course they say yes, and we set up our next get together.

If I continue to to make sure I fit my friends in my schedule those relationships will blossom, because I am taking action to make sure that they do. This is easy stuff, whats important to you, how are you going to get it and then do it. So to come back to my first question “Do New Years Resolutions Work”? Not if there isn’t a follow up plan, just to state something doesn’t have the power unless you take the action to make it happen.

As far as the things that just happen, well the universe guides us in mysterious ways, doesn’t it? This is a good time to just roll with it, enjoy the ride and then look at what comes of it. Paying attention in life makes our life so much richer and helps us understand the meaning and purpose of our life.  Test it out and let me know what you think.

It took me a long time to realize that it might not be a good idea to carry a house.  I had to start bringing in the part of me that was okay with not accomplishing it all.  I also looked at the part of me that wasn’t okay with myself and had to prove that the only way to be okay was to be good at everything and never quit anything.

It was holiday vacation time for me, my boyfriend and his 15 year-old twins and we all decided to go Snowboarding.  I used to Ski 13 years ago and thought Snowboarding would be tough, but I’d be able to do it, even though my physical health was on the mend.  I have been working out most of my life but through my health stuff had taken 2 years off.

The first day Ian, one of the twins and myself took group lessons just to make sure we had our form down and didn’t learn any bad habits. After our lesson we proceeded up the mountain with the rest and I was shocked at how bad I was, and how hard it was.  I couldn’t stay up for longer than 7 seconds.

When I was up my legs were burning like someone was throwing hot water on them.  I don’t know how many of you have snowboarded but you need a strong core and strong legs. Both of which have been on the mend for the last 6 months for me.  I have always been so strong in my body and very athletic, so this for me wasn’t easy to handle.  After doing so poorly the first day, I had to make a decision if I was going to give it another whirl.  Let me remind you that I had fallen so many times that my butt was bruised, and both my arms and legs felt light they had been pulled out of their sockets. So, I slept on it.

The next morning I decided to give it one more day because I felt that it wasn’t a fair assessment only after one day.  So I took a private lesson, and really felt like I had learned so much more,  that it had to make a difference.  So after my lesson I went up the bunny hill to practice with a whole new level of excitement.  I got to the top and to my surprise it was like I had never had a lesson.  At first I was so disappointed, and wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could do it and then something shifted in me.  I became very compassionate for how hard I had tried even with my body in it’s repairing stage.

I finally got to the bottom and took off the board and went and had a hot chocalate, and allowed myself to be disappointed without beating myself up.  I realized that it was okay for me not to be a snowboarder (right now), that I would ski until my body was stronger to handle a sport that took so much strength.

I realized I gave it my best shot, (I have the bruises to prove it) and that it felt okay inside to let it go.  Now that doesn’t mean I well never snowboard again, it just means that it’s okay if I don’t.  If you are like I was, always pushing yourself to the edge, weather it is good for you or not or if you push your teens passed their limit, look inside yourself and ask why.

As long as you give something your best shot and you decide that for whatever reason you don’t like it, or just simply don’t want to do it, it’s okay to quit.  It doesn’t make you a loser, on the contrary, it makes you a person who will try anything and a person who loves them self.

Your Truly,
The lousy Snowboarder

After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought  you might want to read it as well.  We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.

Dear Beautiful Feet;

It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her.  I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.

Another big influence is the media.  Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves.  In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body.  In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.

During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.

Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are.  So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.

Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love.  Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.

TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS

1.  Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance.  This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.

2.  Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.

3.  Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.

4.  Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.

5.  Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.

6.  Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.

7.  When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.

8.  Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.

9.  Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.

10.  Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.

We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way.  These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away.  If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.

How do we learn and grow?  We learn and grow from doing, from having to figure things out, not without guidance I might add.  If as parents we are guiding our children instead of making all of their decisions or running to fix everything, there is a better chance of learning that is present.  Think about it, if we as parents are always making the decisions for our kids without their input about what they think is the right way, they will always need are input.  As parents we want to help them develop the skills they need to become independent, happy adults. Isn’t this our job?

The only way to get good at something is to practice, practice, practice. Instead of making the decisions for them or automatically fixing what they have messed up, we ask for their input.  Ask them how they would fix this or handle that, and ask them why. The idea is to get them to explore why one way or another would work better.  During this exploration, keep your opinions to yourself and just keep asking questions.  This allows them the opportunity to explore their feelings and thoughts around the issue. It helps them develop the skills of making good decisions.  If we are constantly making these decisions for them how will they ever learn?  Off to college they go, and you are no where to be found and they have the decision making skills of a 4 year old.  You can only guess what the outcome will be, it’s not pretty.  The problem is two fold; you have been holding them so tight for so long that they break out and do things they might not necessarily do if they had been given more freedom and developed better tools to make good decisions. Then there’s the fact that they simple don’t have any tools because you never taught them, you thought it was better to make the decisions for them.

When we allow our kids to participate in the decision making process we help them learn how to make decisions, it’s really simply. If we make the decisions for them , they don’t learn.  Maybe in the beginning of this process they will think certain decisions are good and you will think they are crazy. That’s when we keep asking questions.  The more questions asked the better chance they will have of figuring things out.

I also encourage you as parents to explore in yourself why you have these fears surrounding your kids making bad decisions.  Yes, I know, they might make a mistake, a really bad mistake.  This is why talking to them and guiding them is so important. The mistake can either be made under your guidance or as an adult without you around. This is where our journey comes in, as parents we are on our own journeys that our kids actions are helping us figure out our life. Really look at your fears, that contribute to your controlling behavior.

Yes, the fear is real that they will do something really stupid that will affect their lives, but we can’t let our fears about something that might happen rule our lives.  The more we participate in guiding them, the better they will get at making good decisions and the less you will need to monitor their ever move.  So, be open to looking at your behavior around your fears and start letting go, so you can guide your kids and have them be able to receive your guidance easier.  When our opinions are force fed to our kids they will resist them, when they feel they are a part of the process, it feels like it is their decision.  See how that could make a difference?

So, enjoy guiding your kids to become independent happy kids, and let me know how it goes, or your opinion about this.

Thanks & Happy Parenting, Debra

How many times have you seen a group of people together  but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones.  Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?

Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.

How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens?  Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.

It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone.  Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with.  Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.

It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?

So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them.  Here are a few tips.

1)  Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2)  If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3)  Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4)  Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5)  Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6)  Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7)  No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents

Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.

If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them.  There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra

One day a year we sit with our family and friends and express how thankful we are.  Doesn’t this seem a bit absurd that once a year we do this because of the tradition?  When I bring gratitude into my daily life, it seems to feel better on all levels.  Yes, Thanksgiving is a great time to be with family and friends and bring gratitude to the forefront of our lives, but why not everyday.

Here are Ten Tips to helping yourself and your teens be grateful:

1)  Talk to your teens about the less fortunate
2)  At dinner, have everyone express one thing they are grateful for, everyday
3)  Don’t give your teens everything they want
4)  Make your teens work for some of their things
5)  Teach them about being a team and helping around the house, for nothing in return
6)  When they say thank you, tell them how much you appreciate their gratitude
7)  When doing menial jobs, look at the silver lining in it and what you have to be grateful around it
8)  Set an example by showing gratitude
9)  When your teen shows sigh of entitlement, have a conversation around it
10) Live in the moment and realize that everything is a lesson to be learned

I hope these tips help you feel more grateful and you help your teens be more grateful.  And on that note I want to thank everyone for tuning into my blog and giving such great feed back. Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter for more fun stuff.