I found this article on teen bullying on Family First Aid and I thought is was interesting.  Is has become a problem with teenage girls.  What is the issue here?  Is it just low self-esteem?  The parents I talk to often tell me that when they comfort the parents of a bully, the parents themselves are bully’s.

I think we need a program in school to address these issue. I love the format that Challenge Day has set up.  It helps teen have empathy for others.  So let me know if your teen is experiencing problems in school, and what solutions worked for you or didn’t.

What is school bullying?
Bullying includes a wide variety of behaviors, but all involve a person or a group repeatedly trying to harm someone who is weaker or more vulnerable. It can involve direct attacks (such as hitting, threatening or intimidating, maliciously teasing and taunting, name-calling, making sexual remarks, and stealing or damaging belongings) or more subtle, indirect attacks (such as spreading rumors or encouraging others to reject or exclude someone).

How common is teen bullying?
Almost 30 percent of teens in the United States (or over 5.7 million) are estimated to be involved in school bullying as either a bully, a target of teen bullying, or both. In a recent national survey of students in grades 6 to 10, 13 percent reported bullying others, 11 percent reported being the target of school bullies, and another 6 percent said they bullied others and were bullied themselves.

Limited available data suggest that teen bullying is much more common among younger teens than older teens. As teens grow older, they are less likely to bully others and to be the targets of bullies.

School bullying occurs more frequently among boys than girls. Teenage boys are much more likely to bully others and to be the targets of bullies. While both boys and girls say others bully them by making fun of the way they look or talk, boys are more likely to report being hit, slapped, or pushed. Teenage girls are more often the targets of rumors and sexual comments. While teenage boys target both boys and girls, teenage girls most often bully other girls, using more subtle and indirect forms of aggression than boys. For example, instead of physically harming others, they are more likely to spread gossip or encourage others to reject or exclude another girl.

How does school bullying affect teens who are the targets of bullies?
Teen bullying can lead teenagers to feel tense, anxious, and afraid. It can affect their concentration in school, and can lead them to avoid school in some cases. If teen bullying continues for some time, it can begin to affect teens’ self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. It also can increase their social isolation, leading them to become withdrawn and depressed, anxious and insecure. In extreme cases, bullying can be devastating for teens, with long-term consequences. Some teens feel compelled to take drastic measures, such as carrying weapons for protection or seeking violent revenge. Others, in desperation, even consider suicide. Researchers have found that years later, long after the bullying has stopped, adults who were bullied as teens have higher levels of depression and poorer self-esteem than other adults.

What are the long-term consequences of teen bullying behavior?
Teen bullying is often a warning sign that children and teens are heading for trouble and are at risk for serious violence. Teens (particularly boys) who bully are more likely to engage in other antisocial/delinquent behavior (e.g., vandalism, shoplifting, truancy, and drug use) into adulthood. They are four times more likely than nonbullies to be convicted of crimes by age 24, with 60 percent of bullies having at least one criminal conviction.

Information obtained from CDC

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I am preparing for a Girls Intentions Workshop  October 17th and it really has me thinking about everything involved in Our Intentions. Our intentions are not just what we intend to do now or in the future.  I think that most people think of intentions as a part of manifesting what we want. This is an important part but not the only part.

I think our intentions first must start with our actions, and holding ourselves accountable.  If we set an intention to be able to manifest something we want in our lives; a connection with our teen, money, or a different career, it is ultimately our actions that create our reality.  Just setting an intention and not taking any action at all, may not create what we want.  If we look at our life, it is mostly a culmination of our thoughts and actions.

Our thoughts are important because it is tough to create what we want if we are stuck in a negative place.  If we aren’t enjoying the creation of what we are trying to bring into our lives it will prevent us from exploring all the amazing areas of this creations. When we are in a good place in ourselves we tend to be more creative and things just flow better for us .

So first to set an intention, and then really look at what needs to be done to bring that intention into our life.  If I want to change my career and become a Doctor,  I’m pretty sure that just by me writing it down on a piece of paper and hoping, isn’t going to have me at the hospital healing people anytime soon.  The action to go back to school is needed.

It is the same with our relationships with our teenagers.  We can hope and wish all day long that we have a better relationship with our teen, but until we start looking at our actions and how they affect the relationship, it won’t change.  If our intentions are one thing and our actions don’t step up to the plate, our intention may not come to fruition.

So, the first thing I will help the teen girls understand is that our actions are a direct results of our reality.  If our life looks a certain way, we need to look at what actions we have been taking in our life. Then we will talk about our attitudes and how our negative behaviors may be hindering the outcome of what we want to bring in.  Then and only then setting the intention to bring it in, knowing that we are going to bring the power into it physically and mentally through our action.

Then we will cement our intentions through creating a Vision Board.  It is a powerful workshop that is very impactful with not only teens but with anyone working on shifting their life.

Let me know what your feelings are around this and if you have experienced this is the past.

I found this great article by Alice Englin, Partners in Prevention. The following article was taken from the Shoulder to Shoulder Minnesota parenting booklet, which can be found in English and in Spanish at www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org.

Who are your teenagers hanging out with?

These articles on parenting are all part of an effort to protect our teens from the dangers of alcohol, tobacco and other drug use. There is not one magic way to make sure they always make good choices, but through effective parenting we are much more likely to help them make the good choices in tough situations.

Please visit this Web site for more information.

Get to know parents.

• Make a point to invite parents in for coffee and a chance to chat when they bring their teen to visit our homes. If you’re the driver, stick your head in the door and introduce yourself to the parents of your teens’ friends.

• Know the address and phone numbers of your teens’ friends. Keep this information in a handy place to make quick phone calls to check teens’ plans.

Get to know teens’ friends

• Introduce yourself to your teen’s friends — let them know your name and learn theirs as well.

• Take interest in them. We’re not going to get juicy information, but know the basics: Where do you go to school? Do you have brothers and sisters? Do you play sports? What do you enjoy doing outside of school?

• Help teens’ friends know the rules in your house. Whether it’s leaving shoes at the door or clearing the dishes from the table after you eat, find a way to clearly and politely communicate your expectations.

Concerned about a particular friend?

• Sometimes teens like to “try out” new friends who are very different from them. If you’re concerned there isn’t enough supervision or that the home of a friend is unsafe, invite the friend to your home.

Questions to ask when your teen goes to another family’s home

• Will there be an adult at home?

• Will the adult be nearby the teens?

• What does the parent know about their teens’ plans?

• Will they be going anywhere? If so, how will they get there? (Do you want an adult to drive or are you OK with the 16-year-old sister driving?)

• What time should I pick up my teen?

• How many teens are coming over? (Is this a raging party or just a few friends?)

• Will they be having a meal with you?

• What are your rules about media ratings and what kids are allowed to watch?

• Do you have alcohol in the house?

• What are your rules about use?

• Does anyone smoke in the house?

• What are your rules about smoking?

• Do you have guns in the home?

• Are they locked away with trigger locks?

Alice Englin is the director of the Freeborn County Partners in Prevention, working to reduce substance use and abuse among youth in Freeborn County.

Good points, aren’t they? I hope you liked it.  These are just a few simple things parents can do to stay connected to their teen.

teens-in-a-group

I have always been a big fan of having the kids at my house, so I can get to know them and their parents. I was always so surprised at how many parents wouldn’t have the desire to come in and meet me.  Get to know your friends parents.

I remember one of my youngest daughters, friends mother was using drugs herself.  It was a tough one for me because I didn’t want to exclude the friend, because she needed friends, but I had to set good boundaries like: your not allowed over her house, if you want to hang out, you do it at our house, no exceptions.

It’s okay to have rules and boundaries with your teens and your teens friends.  The more open you are with your expectations, the easier it will be for them to understand and follow them.

I think getting to know the parents is very important because you have a better change of guiding your teen when you have your teens friends parenting guiding the same way. It makes it easier to keep track of your teens when there is 2 families looking out for their well-being.  So, know their friends and know their parents, and of course know your own teen.

Happy Parenting, and let me know what you think.

Drug prevention with teens is a big worry for a lot of parents.  I found this article again by Sue Scheff that I really liked.  She talks about peer pressure being a major factor in drug use and I agree.  The more confidence your teen has, the better equipped to say “No thanks” and if their peers give them a hard time it will be easier to brush it off and not let it bother them.  If they say no with confidence, their peers respect them.

So enjoy the article and we will talk soon, I am in the middle of finishing my parenting book, hoping to have it out at the beginning of the year.

Be an educated parent

Why do they start? What Should I Look For?

A major factor in drug use is peer pressure. Even teens who think they’re above the influence of peer pressure can often find it hard to refuse trying drugs when they believe their popularity is at stake. Teens may feel that taking drugs or alcohol to fit in is safer than becoming a perceived social exile, and may not realize that their friends will not abandon them simply for refusing a joint or bottle of beer. A popular adage that is thrown around regarding peer pressure says if your friends would abandon you for not accepting an illegal substance, they’re not “real” friends- but try telling this to a teenager. A more effective method is to acknowledge the pressure to fit in and work with your teen to find solutions to these problems before they arise. Suggest that your teen offer to be the designated driver at parties, and work with them to develop a strategy for other situations.

Even agreeing to back your teen up on a carefully crafted story can help enforce your bond with them- giving them the okay to tell their friends to blame you or that you give them random drug tests will go a long way. Knowing they have your support in such a sensitive subject can alleviate many of their fears, and knowing they can trust you helps instill the idea they can come to you with other problems. This is also an excellent time to remind them to never allow friends to drive under the influence and to never get into a car with someone under the influence. Reassure your teenager that if they should give in to peer pressure and become intoxicated or high, or if they have no sober ride home though they are sober themselves that it is always okay to call you for a ride home. Some parents may want to consider getting teens a cell phone for emergency use, or giving them an emergency credit card for cab fare.

Depression is another major factor in drug use. For more in depth information on teenage depression, please visit Sue Scheff™’s Teen Depression Resource. Despite the fact that many substances actually make depression worse, teenagers may be lured in by the initial high, which in theory is only replenished by more drugs. Thus begins the vicious cycle that becomes nearly impossible to break without costly rehabilitation. If you notice your teen is acting differently, it may be time to have a talk with them to address these changes. Remember- do not accuse your teen or criticize them. Drug use is a serious cry for help, and making them feel ashamed or embarrassed can make the problem worse. Some common behavior changes you may notice if your teen is abusing drugs and alcohol are:

•Violent outbursts, disrespectful behavior
•Poor or dropping grades
•Unexplained weight loss or gain
•Skin abrasions, track marks
•Missing curfew, running away, truancy
•Bloodshot eyes, distinct “skunky” odor on clothing and skin
•Missing jewelry money
•New friends
•Depression, apathy, withdrawal
•Reckless behavior

I hope this helps, I think the information is amazing.

I’m always finding great information on the Web and here is something I found from another great parenting site The Blog of P.U.R.E. by Sue Scheff.  We are all working together to give parents and teens the tools they need to live a healthier happier life.

The site is BodiMojo, a site that promotes Health/Nutrition/Fitness for teens. Developed by teens themselves and experts. BodiMojo believes the future of health resides within our ability to provide behavioral motivation and incentives in an increasingly mobile and consumer-oriented world.

Health can be fun, and it can be habit forming.

Teens told us what they want and we listened.  Watch us play: BodiMojo will include music, interactive tools, games, videos, community building, contest, original content, social networking modules, and customized user pages for teens.  And plug us in-BodiMojo will also offer users new technology for fitness tracking and mobile motivation.

The BodiMojo philosophy is simple: Health can be cool

Nutritional experts, health professionals, and fitness gurus - along with our teens participants - will develop articles, information, graphics, videos, newsletters, interactive features and more.

The current site provides information and updates on the development of the full BodiMojo Web site as well as receive original content submissions form teens.  Keep an eye on BodiMojo and our upcoming Virtual User’s Group, Blog, Contests and News.  BodiMojo will launch in 2009.

…a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

BodiMojo will also be partnering with game developers, musicians, technologists, producers, athletes, writers, artists and business people interested in participating in BodiMojo’s mission. Contact us at partners@bodimojo.com.

Let me know what you think of the site, I thinks it’s going to be a great way for teens to be fit and healthy.

It’s a fine line between friend and parent.

I remember this when my girls were teenagers, and it was coming up again with my partners boys.  It’s tough for me to be their parent when they come to stay twice a year, so the best I can do is try to be a friend and still be view as a parent, where they respect me.  I noticed that one of the twins started to do things that wasn’t showing respect, not listening to me when I’d ask him to do something, teasing a little to much, so I started to look at what was going on. The other twin was still treating with respect and I was treating him the same way I was treating the other.

My behavior with them was very casual, and fun, and they knew that they could talk to me for some reason.  A lot of the time they would tell me things they wouldn’t tell their Dad, mostly because I didn’t react.  I didn’t want our relationship to change, although I wasn’t enjoying the behavior of the one twin that wasn’t showing any respect. So, I decided to talk to him, tell him how I felt, that I liked our relationship, it was fun and I wanted to be able to maintain my relationship with him to have fun and I also wanted him to respect me. I told him the things that he was doing that was showing a lack of respect and ask him if he thought I was asking to much? He said “No”.  I addressed this at the end of their stay so I won’t know if he was actually listening, or if it would have changed his behavior, I will have to see this winter.

I think we can have a relationship with our teens that is open and communicative, like a friendship, but with a strong parental umbrella.  The parenting umbrella has to be there because if they have issues that only a parent can help them through, they have to have a strong parent to go to.  I believe the friendship has to be there too because if it’s not there, there won’t be a comfort level to bring the big stuff to you.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to create a friendship with your kids where you are hanging out with them and their friends, and partying with them.  You want to create a friendship where you are still the parent, not just a friend. Kids need their parents.

Kids also need parents who understand them and allow them to be teens, this is where the friendship comes in.  Their friends understand them and allow them to be themselves.  This is what we need to practice. Understanding doesn’t mean giving them permission to do what ever they want, it just means understanding what they are going through and being there to help them through it.  If the friendship part is missing all together, they may never come to us with there big issues and we may never get the opportunity to help them through things.

My girls always knew they could talk to me about anything, now whether they did or not, who knows.  I do know that they came to me with some pretty big issues.   I wanted them to talk to me.  I treated them like teenagers, and didn’t expect them to act like adults.  They also had rules and consequences for braking those rules, but the rules weren’t rules expecting them to be adults.  I didn’t set them up for failure. The part about the friendship that is so important is loving them and not judging them, so they can come to you when the need you, isn’t that what friends are for?

So, friend or parent?  I say a perfect blending of both. Let me know your thoughts, and happy parenting.

It’s amazing to me how teens react to money differently.  My oldest daughter didn’t like to spend her money or mine for that matter. She was always very picky about what she purchased to make sure that the money was well spent. My youngest on the other hand spent both of our money without a  second thought, and sometimes on wasteful things.

I am noticing the same with my partners boys, one is very careful about his spending, and the other has the money spent in no time at all.  What can we do as parents to assure that our teens have a certain amount of respect for money, no matter where it is coming from.

The first thing I suggest is starting at a young age. Be careful that you don’t give them everything they want, every new gadget that comes onto the market; computer, I Pod, cellular phone, new car and on and on.  Set up a chore list and make them work for the toys they want.  Also, be honest with yourself, I hear so many parents say “She needs a phone so I can get in touch with her”, please, how have parents stay in touch with their kids for all of these years without cell phones?  Teens want the phone to call their friends and to be like all the other teens.  That’s okay, but let them pay for the expense with their own earned money.

We don’t want our teens to feel like they are entitled.  By giving them everything they want, without working for it, they feel superior.  A perfect example of this is: when it comes time to drive and parents buy their teens really nice cars.  I’m not saying you have to buy your teen a beater, but a modest car will do the trick. A used, economical car that is adequate and serves the purpose but doesn’t scream “Look at me, aren’t I special”.

We want to teach our kids to understand what money is all about, the importance. If we give them everything and they get into college and then get out in the world without us to pay for everything, for the first time, what do you think will happen?  I have seen a lot of young adults go crazy, and get credit cards and spend like they are use to spending, not caring about who has to pay back the debt.  They get used to having and therefore keep spending.

I think we need to talk to our children about money starting at a younger age, giving them an allowance for chores and letting them spend it the way they see fit. Then always talking to them as they get older about money. Talk to them about what you did to start making a living and the bills that you have and the responsibility you have. Talk to them about credit cards and paying for things up front, explain the difference.

I sat down with my daughters when they were 11 and 12-years-old and ask what they were going to be when they grew up, and where they wanted to live and what they wanted to have.  My youngest daughter said she wanted to work at store, like Walmart, and my oldest wanted to be a Veterinarian.  I showed them on paper, what each of them would make in the careers they picked and what they could afford to buy with there income.  My youngest was very disappointed with the outcome of her paycheck.

Teens love to spend money and they don’t quite understand that the money bag isn’t bottomless.  I remember my youngest daughter telling me to “Just write a check”, when she wanted something and I told her I couldn’t afford it.  I asked her what she thought happened when I wrote a check, she had no idea.

As our children get older their spending habits get more expensive, their needs for things in general become more.  It’s okay to have your teen participate in the expenses of their living habits, for a fact it’s more than okay, it’s a good thing.  When they participate, they become more responsibly with their actions of spending money.  When it’s their money they are less apt to spend money foolishly.  They tend to spend our money a lot easier, there is no risk.

You want your teen to participate in their expenses, not cover them completely.  When I was a teen, my friend was totally responsibly for all of her clothes, make-up,  food, entertainment, everything. It was too much for her, so don’t go overboard.  Building a responsible teen is one thing, you don’t want them to be neurotic.  So, talk to your teens about money, give them chores or let them get a part-time job and earn their own money. Let them spend their money on what they want to spend it on, and still help them with necessities.

It’s our job to raise independent adults, the best way to do this is to teach them about responsibilities.  Money is a huge part of this. It also gives us the opportunity to look into our own spending habits, and how we view money.  Good luck, and have fun with your teen, helping them learn how to and not to spend money.

I remember getting my license and driving around like I was all that and more.  I didn’t understand the importance of what being behind the wheel of a car meant. The dangers actually!  2 months after getting my license I rear-ended another vehicle. I took my eyes off the road without realizing the impact it could have.

When my oldest daughter Amber got her license I was sure she wouldn’t get in an accident because she was very conscious in her everyday life, she had an accident 1 week after getting her license.  My youngest daughter didn’t get into an accident the first year although we all admitted it was a miracle because she drove like Mr. Magoo, causing many accidents behind her, we were sure.

National Teen Driving Statistics (found at Rocky Mountain Insurance association)

• Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for teenagers.
• 16 year-olds have higher crash rates than drivers of any other age.
• 16-year-olds are three times more likely to die in a motor vehicle crash than the average of all drivers.
• 3,490 drivers age 15-20 died in car crashes in 2006, up slightly from 2005.
• Drivers age 15-20 accounted for 12.9 percent of all the drivers involved in fatal crashes and 16 percent of all the drivers involved in police-reported crashes in 2006.
• The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimates the economic impact of auto accidents involving 15-20 year old drivers is over $40 billion.
• A recent report by AAA estimates the cost of crashes involving 15-17 year olds to be $34 billion.
• Graduated Driving programs appear to be making a difference. Fatal crashes involving 15- to 20-year olds in 2005 were down 6.5 percent from 7,979 in 1995, to the lowest level in ten years.
• Fewer 16-year-olds are driving. In 2006 only 30 percent of 16-year-olds had their driver’s licenses compared to 40% in 1998 according to the Federal Highway Administration.
• According to a 2005 survey of 1,000 people ages 15 and 17, conducted by the Allstate Foundation
  • More than half (56 percent) of young drivers use cell phones while driving,
  • 69 percent said that they speed to keep up with traffic
  • 64 percent said they speed to go through a yellow light.
  • 47 percent said that passengers sometimes distract them.
  • Nearly half said they believed that most crashes involving teens result from drunk driving.
• 31 percent of teen drivers killed in 2006 had been drinking, according to NHTSA. 25 percent had a blood alcohol concentration of .08 or higher.
• Statistics show that 16 and 17-year-old driver death rates increase with each additional passenger (IIHS).

My Suggestion to parents of teens that are going to start driving is “Practice makes Perfect” and “Education gives knowledge”.  So, talk to them about driving and the dangers, and what it means to be behind the wheel of a heavy piece of equipment that can kill someone.  Show them the stats.

In that 6 months period where they have their permit and you are teaching them how to drive, take it seriously, it is your job.  First have them drive every time you both get into the car, I know this isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.  If you can’t, get your spouse to do it, but just do it. Practice does make perfect.

Send them to a Driving program above and beyond your training and the schools Drivers Ed.  The more they know about driving and how to avoid dangerous situations the better chance you have of them not getting into an accident.  If you don’t take this seriously, they won’t.

Looking at the Stats, we know that this is a serious matter, so lets treat it as one. As a parent we have a lot of things we have to teach our teens, and a lot of them are life saving issues.  Do the research together on the Internet and ask them if they know anyone that has been in  a car accident and died. Chances are they have and so they will understand the importance of talking about driving and they will be excited to get a lot of experience behind the wheel.  One of the complaints teens have with learning to drive is that their parents don’t let them drive enough before they go out on their own.

So do your job and prepare your teen for operating a heavy piece of machinery, and have fun while your at it.