How often do you look in your kids eyes and tell them you love them?  Looking back on my childhood, I don’t remember ever being told I was loved.  I was in a conversation with a friend and I we were talking about telling our kids that we love them and I told her that I didn’t remember ever being told.  We both admitted that it was so sad that first my parents obviously couldn’t express their love for me and second that I never heard it from them.

It’s so important to not just tell our kids we love them but for them to feel how much we love them. Oddly enough you would think that because I was never told, that I would do the same thing with my children. It was the opposite, I told them all the time, not just with my words, but with my heart.  I still do, and my girls are 33 and 34-years-old. I also express my love to my grandson, and he tells me he loves me too.

I want the people in my life to feel my love for them, and not just my immediate family.  I want my friends to know how much I love them as well.  This leads me to then look at my life and if I am living from my heart or living in a place of fear.  If I am not expressing my love for the people in my life, the question I ask myself is why?  There can be many reasons, one of the biggest being…I’m afraid they won’t receive my love and they won’t love me back.

So, lets look at that fear; what if they don’t receive, does that change my love for them? No! What if they don’t love me back, does that change my love for them? No!  Can I continue to give love unconditionally is really the question here. Can I love you if you don’t show love back? Of course I can, and I will as long as I don’t allow my fears to get in the way.  This is how I want to live my life, through my heart.  This means that I stand in an open heart even when the people in my life aren’t acting like they love me, and I say acting because I know they love me, they are just having a hard time walking through their fears to show me.

If I don’t allow my fears to get in the way of my loving openly, then it will make it easier for the people in my life to do the same.  If we are vulnerable and loving, it’s hard for others in our life to not be the same way.  So, go out and practice loving with your heart open and be okay with being a bit vulnerable. You will be amazed at the shifts in your relationships through this loving.  When I am loving like this, I feel full and happy and believe it or not my energy level is so much higher also. Try it and see how you feel and let me know what it’s like to live in your heart.

I loved this article from my Doctor,  Dr. Alan Christianson in Scottsdale.  I will be sharing health articles from time to time because it is totally connected to feeling good about yourself, therefore having good self-esteem. Enjoy it and tell me what you think about it.

Aerobic means ‘with oxygen’.  Animals are chemically distinct from plants in that we burn our fuel with oxygen and liberate a lot more energy than chemical pathways that don’t use oxygen.  This gives us power to think and move.  Your brain uses 20% of your energy.  I’m sure you can think of someone who might be using closer to 5%, but really, most brains use 20%.

What does it mean when you are tired and sluggish during the day?  Chemically it means you are not able to generate ATP (your cell’s energy) within your cells at the rate at which you’re burning it. Your body wants to rest and slow down.  How do you get better at producing ATP?  You incrementally challenge your system and let your body adapt.  Your body is amazing at adaption.  Whatever we ask of it, it will accommodate. The most efficient way to challenge your energy production pathways is through aerobic exercise.  Run, walk fast, bike, swim, work out on an aerobic machine, anything – just move a little faster for a little longer than you normally do. If this is tiring, rest up a day and try it again. It’ll get easier, I promise.  You’ll go farther and faster plus be able to shorten the rest periods between aerobic exercises.  And, non-exercise tasks will also get easier.  Your brain will be sharper, you’ll move easier and be less tired during the day.

Think you’re tired because you’re old? It’s not true. The only type of AGEing that really slows you down is if you Aren’t Getting Exercise.

Just a few weeks ago an article in the British Journal of Sports Medicine showed that regular exercise could delay the effects of aging by 12 years!  Senior athletes maintain 90% of their capacity into their 80′s and beyond.  In their sports they are universally superior to sedentary 30-year-old office workers.

Before going out for that jog, here are a few myths I hope to put to rest:

Myth:  I’m too tired; exercising will use up all my energy.
Fact: Give yourself a chance and advance slowly.  You’ll be more energetic for having done some aerobic work.  And, within a short time, you’ll actually come to enjoy it! Commit to getting dressed and out the door to do at least 5 minutes each day.  That’s not too tough.  If you’re still not into it after those 5 minutes, throw in the towel.  But 9 times out of 10 you’ll get into the flow and have fun.

Myth: Lower intensity workouts burn more fat.
Fact:  No, they don’t.  It’s true you burn a slightly higher percentage of calories from fat at low intensity, say 6% vs. 5% at high intensity, but you burn so fewer calories it’s not helpful. For example, say at low intensity you burn 200 calories which 6% are from fat, this equals 12 fat calories burned. For the same amount of time at a high intensity you’re burning 500 calories!  So, even though you may only burn 5% from fat, that’s 25 fat calories!

Myth: If I go to the gym and train hard every day I’ll lose weight.
Fact:  Maybe, but weight loss does take counting calories… calories from HEALTHY foods that is! You know that 500 calories you burned in the high intensity workout above? Without discipline you can blow that at the Starbucks on the way home.

Myth: 20 minutes 2-3 times per week is enough exercise.
Fact:  Well, it’s enough to start or help you get into the swing of exercising, but you’ll get more benefits and gain more energy if you move towards exercising most days of the week at 45-60 minutes each time for an average of 6 hours per week.

Myth: I don’t have that kind of time. Why bother?
Fact:  The average American adult watches TV 29-34 hours per week! If you can’t reduce that time by a few hours, set up a treadmill or exercise bike in front of the TV and have at it.

Myth: I don’t need aerobics as much since I lift weights.
Fact:  Strength training is great, but its maximum benefits for longevity, weight loss and health occur with one session per body part per week. Some papers have suggested even just 1 set may provide this. Aerobics are a wiser expenditure of most of your exercise time.

Myth: I need a sports drink for exercise.
Fact:  If you’re going at it hard for over 90 minutes, OK, otherwise drink water and save the calories for something better.

So get out and generate some ATP, you’ll feel great!

Dr. Alan Christianson, NMD, is founder and President of Integrative Health Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ.  Integrative Health offers a fresh approach to living well by using a novel formula for science-based natural medicine.  The team of physicians discovers the cause of each patient’s troubling symptoms and protects their long-term health and quality of life.

Dr. Christianson’s primary focus is diagnosing hidden cases of thyroid disease and assisting those already diagnosed to resolve hypothyroid symptoms including weight gain, fatigue and hair loss.

Currently, he is co-authoring ‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Thyroid’, for Penguin publishers, due for publication in mid-2011.

He can be reached at 480.657.0003 or www.IntegrativeHealthCare.com

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Hi everyone, this was a blog from last year that I think is important for teens looking for summer jobs. Pass this along to your teen, parents.

Hey Teens, summer is just around the corner and for those of you that are going to enter the wonderful world of working for a living (or maybe just working for next years school clothes and having fun). Here are some job ideas.  I did a blog last year regarding summer jobs for teens.  I am big advocate of entrepreneurialship, working for yourself.  There are so many ways to create jobs for yourself, and make more money, I’m not quite sure why you would work for someone else.

It is also going to be tougher this year to get a job, because of the current economic situation we are in. Those jobs that teens usually go for during the summer might well be taken by someone else that has lost his job.  So that’s what makes creating your own job even more appealing.

When I look at the typical job for teens today like fast food restaurant, I think there must be a better way.

Besides working with Teen’s and being an author, I have owned a few businesses. I love being my own boss, because I get to do things my way, it’s a great learning experience and best of all my hard work pay off, goes to me.  Of course you may have some small start up costs, and costs of doing business, but then the rest is yours.

So here are some great business ideas for teens:

•    Web Consultant- most teens I know have a way with computers and most adults I know struggle with it. Help them set up and manage Social Networking Sites (My Space, etc.
•    Nanny- if you like kids and your good with them, kids are out of school during the    summer, but parents still have to work.
•    Dog Walker or Pet sitting- I’m always looking for someone to help me with my animals. I pay $35.00 to $50.00 a night.

•    Dog Washer- if someone had a service on a Saturday or anytime where I could just drop in and have my dos washed I would love it.  All you need is water towels, dog shampoo and a location. I think if you charged $12.00 for a small dog, $16.00 for a medium, and $20.00 for a large dog, people would do it all day long.

• Car Detailing- with a few supplies and a knowledge of what is clean and what is not, you could wash, wax, clean vents, and vacuuming right at their homes
• Errand running- there are a lot of elderly people and people that are very business that need help, just running errands or helping around the house with odd jobs.
• Cleaning Service- if you have a sense of what is clean and what is not, this is a great business.
Most of the time the people buy the cleaning products and you just go clean.
• Tutoring- tutor a younger teen or child while going through summer school or with subjects they are having difficulty with. Parents love this one.
• Small business assistant- I used to always get teens to help me with different jobs for my business. They would come for 2 hours a day and I would have things like shredding, bookwork, cleaning, organizing inventory, so many things.

So, get a  plan together, and start preparing now because summer is almost here. Get the  supplies you need, how many hours it will take, how much you are going to charge, who are you going to call, make a flyer, post it, tell all of your parents friends, and ask if they know anyone that needs your help.  I think working is a lot more fun, when you are your own boss, so go have some fun and make some money and let me know how it goes.

When I first starting mentoring Teens, I found it to be so rewarding because of the authentic energy teens bring to the table.  What I soon found out was that without mentoring the parents, the teens and I were in No Mans Land!

I am amazed at the speed in which things shift when I am working with both the teens and the parents. Especially when I am working with parents that are open to new ways of parenting.  In today’s world we have to look at parenting in a different way. Parenting in the 50′s is way different than parenting today.

When I am working with parents that are defending their position, instead of looking for new ways to connect to their teen, we spend our time on their position of defense, if you know what I mean.  It takes an brave and honest parent to admit they don’t know everything, and to be open to helping their teens acquire the tools they need to be independent and happy adults.

If we are looking for new ways to communicate and relate to our kids it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to parent.  It means we are always looking for ways to be a better parent. I constantly hear “my daughter has great self-esteem” or “my teen and I get along great” from parents.  My first thought is that’s wonderful, and my second thought is, so lets keep that ball rolling.  I also hear from parents that everything was going just great and Wham, things changed, like over night.

This may seem like it happened over night, but it didn’t, it was progressive.  In the beginning I said the reason I love mentoring teens is because of their authentic energy, they are real.  I’m not sure if parents just don’t realize what’s going on in the household or they are pretending it doesn’t exist.  Either way, it dilutes the ability to shift behaviors.  If we wait as parents until something goes wrong, it’s harder to find balance in the situation.  So, start early helping your teen learn how to love themselves so that they can make better decisions and so you can guide them through this with greater ease.

Take advantage of anything that will help you, help your teen.  You will be happy that you did.  Kick that pride away and get down to business.

Through out our lifetime we keep evolving with everything in our life actually.  Our health, financial issues, we run our companies differently, and we better be parenting differently.  If I look at how my parents raised me and how I raised my kids and how my kids are raising their kids, it’s quite a difference.

I pretty much raised myself, with little to no guidance.  When I had my two daughters I was more involved but was also giving them enough room to explore, maybe too much.  My daughter today is raising my grandson totally different.  She has more boundaries than I had although she is communicating more with her son and giving him choices, to allow him to learn to make decisions on his own.  As parents they participate far more than parents in the past.  It was always a rarity if parents were really involved in there kids life, when I was being raised.

What I realize is that in today’s times it‘s going to take a new approach to keep your kids connected to you.  It’s like we have to be involved but not too involved, no hovering! We have to  guide them without them knowing we are guiding them, leading them into making their own decisions, and making sure they are good ones.  We have a big job, I know if you are reading this, you are up for the task.

Every opportunity you get ask them about everything- smoking, drugs, sex, styles, suicide, integrity, schooling, friendships, I could go on and on. When you ask them, really listen to what they are saying, this will give you the insight into who they are.  Don’t judge what they are saying, just listen, you may be very surprised at what they start telling you about themselves without your judgments getting in their way.

Try it and let me know how it goes, it’s all about loving them unconditionally and letting them be and grow into the person they want to be, not how you see them or want them to be.

In my attempt to go away and not do a bit of work, I was amazed at how many situations came into my day to get me to not relax and work or simply hold myself to a scheduled day.  It started as we were leaving going through Phoenix. We stopped by and dropped off books to an organization that helps kids deal with their parents being deported for war. How could I turn that down, right?

I found this News Release about cigarette marketing campaign targeting teen girls from UC San Diego Medical Center, and thought it needed to be sent through to my audience.  After reading this I realized that it is really important to talk to your kids about smoking, not just one conversation, but many.  If you aren’t opening up the communication to discuss issues like this, your teens will be left to their own means to make decisions.  The media is very powerful, don’t under estimate it. Our teen listen to the TV, magazines, radio, and internet and it is influencing them to a large degree.

Self-Esteem is critical to teens doing what is good for them, not what others think they should be doing, including the media.

I am actually in the process of another blog about fashion and what a hold it has on our teens. It’s important to talk to our teens about issues and empower them to be able to make good decisions for themselves.  Let me know what you think…I’m pretty sure you don’t want your teenagers smoking.

Date: March 15, 2010 News Release from UC San Diego Medical Center

Recent Cigarette Marketing Campaign Targeted Teen Girls, Study Reveals

The 1998 Master Settlement Agreement (MSA) prohibits tobacco industry advertising practices that encourage underage teenagers to smoke, yet new research out of the Moores Cancer Center at the University of California, San Diego has found that a 2007 marketing campaign for Camel brand cigarettes was effective in encouraging young girls to start smoking.

The study, led by John P. Pierce, PhD, professor of Family and Preventive Medicine and director of the Cancer Center’s Cancer Prevention and Control Program, will be published March 15 in an early online edition of the scientific journal Pediatrics.

The research, part of a national study on parenting practices, involved 1,036 males and females who were 10 to 13 years old when enrolled onto the study. Between 2003 and 2008, scientists conducted five telephone interviews, which included questions about smoking. The fifth interview was conducted after the start of RJ Reynolds’ “Camel No. 9″ advertising campaign in 2007.

Consistent with earlier research, the new study showed that youth who had never smoked but who reported having a “favorite” cigarette ad at the beginning were 50 percent more likely to initiate smoking. The number of boys with a favorite ad was stable across all five surveys. For girls, however, it was stable across the first four surveys, but by the fifth survey, which took place after the start of the Camel No. 9 campaign, the proportion of girls who reported a favorite ad jumped by 10 percentage points, to 44 percent. The Camel brand accounted almost entirely for this increase.

“In 1998, the Tobacco Industry signed an agreement with State Attorneys General which included a commitment not to target adolescents with advertising.  Congressional leaders and others have complained to RJ Reynolds that the Camel #9 campaign violated that agreement,” said Pierce. “This national study demonstrated that the Camel No. 9 campaign had a huge impact on young adolescent girls across the country, effectively encouraging them to smoke.”

The Camel No. 9 marketing campaign included ads resembling fashion spreads that were placed in five of the top 10 U.S. teen readership magazines, such as Glamour and Vogue. The campaign also featured promotional giveaways such as berry lip balm, cell phone jewelry, purses and wristbands.

Co-authors on the paper are Karen Messer, PhD, Lisa E. James, Martha M. White, MS and Sheila Kealey, MPH, all of the Moores UCSD Cancer Center; and Donna M. Vallone, PhD, MPH, and Cheryl G. Healton, DrPH, both of the American Legacy Foundation, Washington, D.C. This study was funded by the National Cancer Institute, the American Legacy Foundation, and the Tobacco Related Disease Research Program of the University of California.

Wow, what a  week. Volunteering for the Film Festival, and the PTSA, and doing all of my work, and home stuff too. The question is who’s taking care of me?  The answer is ME! So, if I’m not, guess what, no ones else is. I have had such a sense of overwhelm this week and when I finally realized that I can stop this crazy behavior anytime, it was such a relief.

One of the ways we take care of ourselves is to not over-book our schedule to the point of exhaustion.  I have a lot of energy so what I tend to do is book myself solid. Some of the problems with this is I get tired, and I don’t allow time to relax and wind down.  I really have to pay attention to how much I put on my plate and how much of it’s mine and how much is somebody else’s.  This is just a gentle reminder to all of us out there that are on a treadmill running so fast that our legs are getting tripped up.

Slow down, and take a bath, have a cup of tea or just lay flat and do nothing.  This is all I have to say, breathe, and relax and realize that all of the stuff you need to get done, doesn’t really need to be done today. So, have a great weekend, relaxing.

Before giving the quick tips for self-esteem, lets talk about what self-esteem is.  The Webster’s dictionary says;

Self-Esteem- The esteem or good opinion of oneself.

Now lets look at what esteem is;

Esteem- To set valve on, to regard with respect.

Wow, the opinion of oneself, not the opinion of others…beautiful!  Then to set valve on, again our value of our self. If we don’t value our self, we won’t treat our self with respect, therefore our opinion of our self will be low.  If our opinion is low, our self-respect will be low, and guess what our self-esteem will suffer.

If we have low self-esteem, we will make decisions from a place of lacking confidence.  If our self-esteem is high, we make better decisions for our self.  We want to value who we are, love who we are, and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem. So now that we know what self-esteem is and how important it is, we can implement these tips to strengthen these parts of our self that are critical to being the person we want to be.  So, here they are.

Quick Tips to Self-Esteem

1. Learn to like yourself, make sure that you have the qualities that the people you like have, like caring, honesty, supportive, positive, loyal and communicative.

2. Work on removing the things you dislike about yourself by changing your actions, attitudes or perceptions about those things.

3. Realize what makes you shine comes for the inside of you, not what you look like.

4. Make sure you are being good to yourself by taking care of yourself with positive self-talk, negative self-talk lowers your self-esteem and your light.

5. Practice doing good things for yourself by eating right, exercising, being creative, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress to a minimum.

6. Enjoy being you, you are the only you in the world.

7. Realize we play a big role in the world and we get to pick if we affect it negatively or positively.

So, go out into the world with yourself being the unique, powerful, wonderful being that you are knowing that you have complete control over your behavior and actions.

I Hope this helps, we all need a little boost to remember how to love our self.  Let me know some of the things you do to help yourself strengthen your self-esteem.

I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.

This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.

Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.

My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

–Mark

Hi Mark,

I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies.  Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc.  I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable.  If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight.  If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.

This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like.  We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are.  Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra

(Mark’s letter to the girl)

Dear Cheryl,

This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago.  I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful.  While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Mark

(Her response back to him)

Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter.  I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest.  That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me.  I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.
Cheryl

Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.

It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.

I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.

Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.