This is such a tough time for parents, even if you understand what is going on, it can be heartbreaking.

Usually around 12-15 years old depending on the teen, he or she will start pulling away from parents, this is a normal, healthy stage in adolescent development. The teen will pull away from parents as he or she attempts to develop their own identity. It is a natural process for the preparation of leaving the nest.  

I remember my oldest daughter and I were very close, we spend a lot of time together, and we talked about everything. When she was 13 years old, she started spending more time in her bedroom on the phone, more time with friends and most all communication was off with me.  I used to go open her bedroom door and say “have you seen my daughter Amber anywhere? She would just say “Mom”, and roll her eyes, and I would laugh and say “if you see her tell her hi” and I would shut the door.

I didn’t try to make her talk to me, or make her hang out with me, and I tried not to take it personally, although I missed her terribly. I remember she started coming back to me about 10 months to a year later.

The more you communicate with your kids when they are younger, the easier these times will be. The pulling away won’t be as extreme, and it might not last as long.  If you wait until your child is 12 years old to start communicating with them, I can almost guarantee they are not going to want to talk to you much at all.

You also want to make sure that this is just normal pulling away, not something more.  If pulling away is accompanied with yelling, anger, tantrums, erratic moodiness, hostility, and depression, bad grades, and isolation even with friends, there is probably something bigger going on.

Here are some quick tips to make those times easier:

•    Don’t take it personally, have fun with it.
•    Try talking to your teen about the things he or she is interested in.
•    Do family thing on the weekday nights, better chance of participation.
•    Understand that this is a time when they need more space, more time with friends and a bit more freedom.
•    Pay attention and make sure it’s not something more serious.
•    Let them know you understand that it is okay, and that you are available if they need you.

Remember that they come back to you, so try not to pressure them to much during this time so they don’t shut down and never want to come back.  That is the good new this is temporary.

I would love to hear how you are handling this issue with your teen.

First of all lets talk about what fighting means.  Is it fist fighting, screaming and cursing, name calling, acting like a baby and pouting and giving your partner the silent treatment?  Yes, this is fighting to me, and if you are doing this in front of your children, you are a child yourself and you should look into taking some classes on becoming an adult fast.

Our children learn about a lot of things from us without us even trying to teach them, they learn through watching us.  Communicating with others is a very important skill that we need as adults.  We need it in the work place, with our friends, our partners, our children, out there in the world in general, we need the tools to resolve issues.  Nothing gets resolved through fighting, it’s nothing more than a fight, that leaves both parties bruised and battered.  To help our kids develop good tools to resolve issues they need to see people in their lives doing it and explaining how it is done.  If you and your partner have an issue to resolve, it’s okay to resolve the issue in front of your kids as long as that is what is happening.  When the discussion is over, the issue is resolved, and no one is beaten up.

This video always shocks me! For those of you who haven’t seen it and have teenage daughters, please share it with them.  Then share it with all of her friends.  Really, do we wonder why we have a distorted view of beauty.  Share this if you can and explain to your daughter that beauty is skin deep and not to buy into the media.

If you have seen this video before, still share it again with your daughters, it’s an opportunity to have a discussion about how she feels about herself.

So, where can kids learn about sex?  They learn from school, friends, TV and other media, and most importantly their parents.  The school system is limited in its approach because it has to honor all the different beliefs of all the parents.  Getting information from their friends is always going to happen, but the information is very skewed, depending on a lot of variables. TV and other media glamorize it, with high-profile teens like Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears,  that would lead your teen to think that sex is okay.  This is not anyone’s job but the parents….So parents, it’s up to you!

I remember when my daughters were 10 and 11 years old and I was planning “the talk”, you know the one where your kids roll their eyes and your not quite sure what to say.  I went to the bookstore and purchased a few books that I thought were interesting and might be good visual aids.  I came home and ask both of my daughters if we could spend a little time together talking about their body changes, sex and pregnancy.  My oldest daughter just starred at me and nodded yes, and my youngest screamed NO, and ran down the hall, only to hide in the closet. So I preceeded to go into the room where my youngest was hiding and talk to my oldest about all of these issues, knowing my youngest could hear me.  Occasionally saying, “did you get that Lindsay”, and she would just reply “Mom stop it”.  What I realized in that moment was that this was not an affective approach, that if I wanted my girls to be informed about these issues, I had to be willing to put in the time to educate them.  We can’t keep blaming the schools and the media for not teaching our teens about sex education; quite frankly, it’s not their job.  Surveys consistently show that parent’s are the most influential in areas of sex.

So, as usual, this topic, just like so many, come back to communication with your teen.  How well do you communicate with your teen and how open is he or she to you?  The biggest issue I see it that parents are very busy and they are not spending enough quality time with their kids. So when it comes time to educate their children on important issues, their kids are not open to them, and therefore are not open to the information the parents want to give them.

“The talk” is great, but the reality is, if you’re not talking to your kids about important issues like puberty, sex and pregnancy like it’s a normal day-to-day conversation, you might get a child hiding in the closet.  Also, one talk just simply does not work. If you want to influence your kids you have to be having conversations and communicating with them all the time. I talk about this a lot because it is so important.  If it is a topic that isn’t discussed in the household and all of a sudden you want to bring it to the table, there is going to be some difficulty.

Studies show that teens that have an open relationship and communicate with their parents have higher self-esteem.  When teens have a strong support system at home, other life issues seem less traumatic.  So parents even though your teens are acting like the know everything and have got things under control, they need your support and they need to feel safe in a world that sometimes feels pretty overwhelming and scary. Use the media as your stepping stone to many conversations and to developing an open line of communication with your precious teenagers.

I would love to hear from you, with any ideas you have about communication around these topics.  Happy parenting, and remember it’s fun when your involved.

It’s your teen’s birthday and your scrabbling for the perfect gift.  Every year you see the disappointment in your teens face when he or she opens the gift that you spent months looking for.

After a few years of gift disappointments for both my kids and myself, I decided that it was time to remove my ego and get them what they want.  At first I thought, I’d just give them cash, and wound up feeling as disappointed.  Cash seemed to take the fun completely out of the gift all together.

The first gift I gave them was explaining that it’s no fun to give a gift to an ingrate, and that no matter what you received you are to appear excited because it’s not about the gift at all, it’s about the thought that went into the gift from a person that loves you very much.  Now, even thought we know that this is a great gift to our teens, the gift of wisdom, maybe we are still looking for special gift that really excite them.  So here they are, as simple as they can be.

Ten Top Gifts for Teens:
1) Gift Certificate to their favorite clothing store, not yours-  Teens don’t want to be dressed by their parents, they are becoming more independent.  Give them the Gift Certificate and let them go shopping and pick out their own cloths.  I was at a store shopping and I heard a mother and daughter about 13 years old arguing about what her mother would let her buy. Occasionally I would pop my head out of my dressing room and check out what the teen was wearing to see if it was inappropriate and it was fine, maybe not the style I would wear, but there was a 37-year age gap between us.  Parents stop it; if it’s not inappropriate let them develop their own style.

2) Gift Certificate to a music store- Are you getting the picture yet?  Unless you know their music taste and know exactly what they are looking for, give it up to a gift certificate. It really feels different than cash.

3) An Art Class- Pick a class that you know will excite them. This is a great gift because it may open their eyes to a new talent that they might enjoy for many years.  Get them all of the materials to keep up the hobby.

4) Special Package for their cell phones- Maybe it’s a sight to down load special rings, that they can’t afford themselves.

5) Electronics- Even though I’m into monitoring how much kids are on the computer, or in front of video games and TV, it’s a gift the will love.  Just because you buy it doesn’t mean you can’t monitor the use.

6) A Bike- a mountain or street bike is a great gift because again it opens them up to a new hobby.

7) Movie Passes- Most kids love going to the movies and this is like having free passes to good entertainment.

Bookstore Gift Card- It’s like a credit card to a book store, so they can go buy a book on their time, and not have to be with you.

9) Meditation or Yoga Class- Only if they have shown interest in either of these, or maybe it can be a second gift that you give for both of you to go together.  Use it as an added bonus gift, with something else they love.  I have been noticing a lot of teens getting into both Yoga and Meditation these days.

10) Something for their bedroom- A cool retro chair, beanbags, couch if it will fit, posters, new comforter, or go shopping together and look for cool decorations for the room.  Their bedrooms are their own special places and we need to honor that and let them decorate it the way they want.  Teens need one room in the house to express their individuality in and a space that is only theirs.

So, hopefully I have given you some ideas about great gifts to give your teens.  To end cap the first gift, not in the top ten, which was wisdom about gift giving, the best gift you can give your teen is unconditional love, and that is shown by simply allowing them to be themselves and still accepting them and loving them.

Happy shopping and enjoy your teen for being themselves in all of their uniqueness.