After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought you might want to read it as well. We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.
Dear Beautiful Feet;
It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her. I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.
Another big influence is the media. Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves. In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body. In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.
During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.
Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are. So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.
Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love. Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.
TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS
1. Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance. This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.
2. Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.
3. Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.
4. Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.
5. Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.
6. Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.
7. When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.
8. Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.
9. Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.
10. Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.
We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way. These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away. If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.
I’m always finding great information on the Web and here is something I found from another great parenting site The Blog of P.U.R.E. by Sue Scheff. We are all working together to give parents and teens the tools they need to live a healthier happier life.
The site is BodiMojo, a site that promotes Health/Nutrition/Fitness for teens. Developed by teens themselves and experts. BodiMojo believes the future of health resides within our ability to provide behavioral motivation and incentives in an increasingly mobile and consumer-oriented world.
Health can be fun, and it can be habit forming.
Teens told us what they want and we listened. Watch us play: BodiMojo will include music, interactive tools, games, videos, community building, contest, original content, social networking modules, and customized user pages for teens. And plug us in-BodiMojo will also offer users new technology for fitness tracking and mobile motivation.
The BodiMojo philosophy is simple: Health can be cool
Nutritional experts, health professionals, and fitness gurus – along with our teens participants – will develop articles, information, graphics, videos, newsletters, interactive features and more.
The current site provides information and updates on the development of the full BodiMojo Web site as well as receive original content submissions form teens. Keep an eye on BodiMojo and our upcoming Virtual User’s Group, Blog, Contests and News. BodiMojo will launch in 2009.
…a body in motion tends to stay in motion.
BodiMojo will also be partnering with game developers, musicians, technologists, producers, athletes, writers, artists and business people interested in participating in BodiMojo’s mission. Contact us at partners@bodimojo.com.
Let me know what you think of the site, I thinks it’s going to be a great way for teens to be fit and healthy.
It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen. I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.
Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents. Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host. I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well. My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter. For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.
Parenting Q & A
Q: Why is my teen not talking to me? A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with. Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open. Let them know that you are here for them and love them. Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not. So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you. Watch what you say about your own body. Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.
In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other. Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are. If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply. Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.
If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!
This issue about body image is always up for teens I talk to and for myself. It seems like it is one of the toughest issues to overcome. Even when I am talking with grown women, it comes up. I just wanted to post this video for you to watch and the stats regarding body image, it’s amazing.
The more secure we become with who we are, the more comfortable we will be with our bodies. The more we will appreciate ourselves for who we are. Here are 10 tips for loving your body:
1. Appreciate your body for what it does for you. Just your feet alone, they have a tough job.
2. Write done what you like about yourself and view it often.
3. Catch yourself when saying negative things about your body and say “Cancel” and back it up with something positive.
4. Don’t buy into the media, its not realistic.
5. Make sure you see the things in you, you want others to see in you….”That you are a good person”
6. Catch your judgments of others, realizing that if you are judging others, you are judging yourself.
7. Dress in clothing that you like, and that looks good on your body, don’t be to hung up on what is in style.
8. Do nice things that make your body feel good: give yourself a pedicure, take a bubble bath, hug the parts that bother you
and tell them you love them.
9. Hang around people that respect you and have good things to say about you.
10. Know that beauty comes from the inside out, and what makes you Shine is who you are, not what you look like.
