There are a ton of reasons why we have low self esteem, and when I say we I mean all of us.  I have never met a teen or an adult with high self esteem.  The only people I have met with high self esteem are little people below the ages of 5-years-old.  Something happens to us when we start going to school, this is where the judgments start and we get put down for being ourselves.  This is also the time when parents start possibly pushing their kids to be a certain way also.

Have you noticed how little kids behave?  They sing and dance in front of everyone and could care less what they think.  They don’t care if they have good voices, if they have been professional trained in dance, they just sing and dance.  As adults we are looking outside ourselves for validation if we are good or bad.  My oldest daughter is great about this, if someone says can you sing, can you dance, she says absolutely.  She dances and sings and doesn’t care if it looks or sounds good. I love that, it’s so childlike.   Check out this video, it’s the best.

The goal here is to stay childlike, in our adulthood.  Why do we care what others think?  Why because we have grown up thinking that the barometer is outside of ourselves instead of inside.  Why would we trust someone else to tell us we are good at something instead of listening to ourselves.  Also who is the judge of what is good and what is bad.  Am I pretty?  Am I ugly?  Is my voice good or is it bad?  Are my clothes okay? Who or what tells us we are okay or not?  And more importantly, why are we listening.

I give you a challenge this week to do things that might make you look ridiculous, because if you are being ridiculous, you are probably being childlike.  Really push yourself, wear something that you would want to wear but you think people might judge you for it.  Sing in front of your family or dance.  See how they react.  Our self esteem is lacking because we aren’t looking at our essence, we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of others.  Try doing something different this week.  Step out there and be the real you and let go of the judgments that might come in, like they don’t matter…because they don’t matter.  Good luck and let me know how it feels.

This is such a tough time for parents, even if you understand what is going on, it can be heartbreaking.

Usually around 12-15 years old depending on the teen, he or she will start pulling away from parents, this is a normal, healthy stage in adolescent development. The teen will pull away from parents as he or she attempts to develop their own identity. It is a natural process for the preparation of leaving the nest.  

I remember my oldest daughter and I were very close, we spend a lot of time together, and we talked about everything. When she was 13 years old, she started spending more time in her bedroom on the phone, more time with friends and most all communication was off with me.  I used to go open her bedroom door and say “have you seen my daughter Amber anywhere? She would just say “Mom”, and roll her eyes, and I would laugh and say “if you see her tell her hi” and I would shut the door.

I didn’t try to make her talk to me, or make her hang out with me, and I tried not to take it personally, although I missed her terribly. I remember she started coming back to me about 10 months to a year later.

The more you communicate with your kids when they are younger, the easier these times will be. The pulling away won’t be as extreme, and it might not last as long.  If you wait until your child is 12 years old to start communicating with them, I can almost guarantee they are not going to want to talk to you much at all.

You also want to make sure that this is just normal pulling away, not something more.  If pulling away is accompanied with yelling, anger, tantrums, erratic moodiness, hostility, and depression, bad grades, and isolation even with friends, there is probably something bigger going on.

Here are some quick tips to make those times easier:

•    Don’t take it personally, have fun with it.
•    Try talking to your teen about the things he or she is interested in.
•    Do family thing on the weekday nights, better chance of participation.
•    Understand that this is a time when they need more space, more time with friends and a bit more freedom.
•    Pay attention and make sure it’s not something more serious.
•    Let them know you understand that it is okay, and that you are available if they need you.

Remember that they come back to you, so try not to pressure them to much during this time so they don’t shut down and never want to come back.  That is the good new this is temporary.

I would love to hear how you are handling this issue with your teen.

I just loved this story and thought it was important to pass it on, I hope you feel it too.

What would you do?….you make the choice. Don’t look for a punch line, there isn’t one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

“When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?”

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. “I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they’ll let me play?” I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, “We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.”

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, ‘

“Shay, run to first!

Run to first!”

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!”

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball… the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, “Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay”

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, “Run to third!

Shay, run to third!”

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, “Shay, run home! Run home!”

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

“That day”, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.”

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you’re thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you’re probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren’t the ‘appropriate’ ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have dozens of opportunities every single day to help realize the natural order of things.

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it’s least fortunate amongst them.

This story makes my heart swell with love and I hope it does yours too.