Top Ten Internet Safety Tips

I found this great article by Alice Englin, Partners in Prevention. The following article was taken from the Shoulder to Shoulder Minnesota parenting booklet, which can be found in English and in Spanish at www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org.

Who are your teenagers hanging out with?

These articles on parenting are all part of an effort to protect our teens from the dangers of alcohol, tobacco and other drug use. There is not one magic way to make sure they always make good choices, but through effective parenting we are much more likely to help them make the good choices in tough situations.

Please visit this Web site for more information.

Get to know parents.

• Make a point to invite parents in for coffee and a chance to chat when they bring their teen to visit our homes. If you’re the driver, stick your head in the door and introduce yourself to the parents of your teens’ friends.

• Know the address and phone numbers of your teens’ friends. Keep this information in a handy place to make quick phone calls to check teens’ plans.

Get to know teens’ friends

• Introduce yourself to your teen’s friends — let them know your name and learn theirs as well.

• Take interest in them. We’re not going to get juicy information, but know the basics: Where do you go to school? Do you have brothers and sisters? Do you play sports? What do you enjoy doing outside of school?

• Help teens’ friends know the rules in your house. Whether it’s leaving shoes at the door or clearing the dishes from the table after you eat, find a way to clearly and politely communicate your expectations.

Concerned about a particular friend?

• Sometimes teens like to “try out” new friends who are very different from them. If you’re concerned there isn’t enough supervision or that the home of a friend is unsafe, invite the friend to your home.

Questions to ask when your teen goes to another family’s home

• Will there be an adult at home?

• Will the adult be nearby the teens?

• What does the parent know about their teens’ plans?

• Will they be going anywhere? If so, how will they get there? (Do you want an adult to drive or are you OK with the 16-year-old sister driving?)

• What time should I pick up my teen?

• How many teens are coming over? (Is this a raging party or just a few friends?)

• Will they be having a meal with you?

• What are your rules about media ratings and what kids are allowed to watch?

• Do you have alcohol in the house?

• What are your rules about use?

• Does anyone smoke in the house?

• What are your rules about smoking?

• Do you have guns in the home?

• Are they locked away with trigger locks?

Alice Englin is the director of the Freeborn County Partners in Prevention, working to reduce substance use and abuse among youth in Freeborn County.

Good points, aren’t they? I hope you liked it.  These are just a few simple things parents can do to stay connected to their teen.

teens-in-a-group

I have always been a big fan of having the kids at my house, so I can get to know them and their parents. I was always so surprised at how many parents wouldn’t have the desire to come in and meet me.  Get to know your friends parents.

I remember one of my youngest daughters, friends mother was using drugs herself.  It was a tough one for me because I didn’t want to exclude the friend, because she needed friends, but I had to set good boundaries like: your not allowed over her house, if you want to hang out, you do it at our house, no exceptions.

It’s okay to have rules and boundaries with your teens and your teens friends.  The more open you are with your expectations, the easier it will be for them to understand and follow them.

I think getting to know the parents is very important because you have a better change of guiding your teen when you have your teens friends parenting guiding the same way. It makes it easier to keep track of your teens when there is 2 families looking out for their well-being.  So, know their friends and know their parents, and of course know your own teen.

Happy Parenting, and let me know what you think.

It’s a fine line between friend and parent.

I remember this when my girls were teenagers, and it was coming up again with my partners boys.  It’s tough for me to be their parent when they come to stay twice a year, so the best I can do is try to be a friend and still be view as a parent, where they respect me.  I noticed that one of the twins started to do things that wasn’t showing respect, not listening to me when I’d ask him to do something, teasing a little to much, so I started to look at what was going on. The other twin was still treating with respect and I was treating him the same way I was treating the other.

My behavior with them was very casual, and fun, and they knew that they could talk to me for some reason.  A lot of the time they would tell me things they wouldn’t tell their Dad, mostly because I didn’t react.  I didn’t want our relationship to change, although I wasn’t enjoying the behavior of the one twin that wasn’t showing any respect. So, I decided to talk to him, tell him how I felt, that I liked our relationship, it was fun and I wanted to be able to maintain my relationship with him to have fun and I also wanted him to respect me. I told him the things that he was doing that was showing a lack of respect and ask him if he thought I was asking to much? He said “No”.  I addressed this at the end of their stay so I won’t know if he was actually listening, or if it would have changed his behavior, I will have to see this winter.

I think we can have a relationship with our teens that is open and communicative, like a friendship, but with a strong parental umbrella.  The parenting umbrella has to be there because if they have issues that only a parent can help them through, they have to have a strong parent to go to.  I believe the friendship has to be there too because if it’s not there, there won’t be a comfort level to bring the big stuff to you.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to create a friendship with your kids where you are hanging out with them and their friends, and partying with them.  You want to create a friendship where you are still the parent, not just a friend. Kids need their parents.

Kids also need parents who understand them and allow them to be teens, this is where the friendship comes in.  Their friends understand them and allow them to be themselves.  This is what we need to practice. Understanding doesn’t mean giving them permission to do what ever they want, it just means understanding what they are going through and being there to help them through it.  If the friendship part is missing all together, they may never come to us with there big issues and we may never get the opportunity to help them through things.

My girls always knew they could talk to me about anything, now whether they did or not, who knows.  I do know that they came to me with some pretty big issues.   I wanted them to talk to me.  I treated them like teenagers, and didn’t expect them to act like adults.  They also had rules and consequences for braking those rules, but the rules weren’t rules expecting them to be adults.  I didn’t set them up for failure. The part about the friendship that is so important is loving them and not judging them, so they can come to you when the need you, isn’t that what friends are for?

So, friend or parent?  I say a perfect blending of both. Let me know your thoughts, and happy parenting.

It’s amazing to me how teens react to money differently.  My oldest daughter didn’t like to spend her money or mine for that matter. She was always very picky about what she purchased to make sure that the money was well spent. My youngest on the other hand spent both of our money without a  second thought, and sometimes on wasteful things.

I am noticing the same with my partners boys, one is very careful about his spending, and the other has the money spent in no time at all.  What can we do as parents to assure that our teens have a certain amount of respect for money, no matter where it is coming from.

The first thing I suggest is starting at a young age. Be careful that you don’t give them everything they want, every new gadget that comes onto the market; computer, I Pod, cellular phone, new car and on and on.  Set up a chore list and make them work for the toys they want.  Also, be honest with yourself, I hear so many parents say “She needs a phone so I can get in touch with her”, please, how have parents stay in touch with their kids for all of these years without cell phones?  Teens want the phone to call their friends and to be like all the other teens.  That’s okay, but let them pay for the expense with their own earned money.

We don’t want our teens to feel like they are entitled.  By giving them everything they want, without working for it, they feel superior.  A perfect example of this is: when it comes time to drive and parents buy their teens really nice cars.  I’m not saying you have to buy your teen a beater, but a modest car will do the trick. A used, economical car that is adequate and serves the purpose but doesn’t scream “Look at me, aren’t I special”.

We want to teach our kids to understand what money is all about, the importance. If we give them everything and they get into college and then get out in the world without us to pay for everything, for the first time, what do you think will happen?  I have seen a lot of young adults go crazy, and get credit cards and spend like they are use to spending, not caring about who has to pay back the debt.  They get used to having and therefore keep spending.

I think we need to talk to our children about money starting at a younger age, giving them an allowance for chores and letting them spend it the way they see fit. Then always talking to them as they get older about money. Talk to them about what you did to start making a living and the bills that you have and the responsibility you have. Talk to them about credit cards and paying for things up front, explain the difference.

I sat down with my daughters when they were 11 and 12-years-old and ask what they were going to be when they grew up, and where they wanted to live and what they wanted to have.  My youngest daughter said she wanted to work at store, like Walmart, and my oldest wanted to be a Veterinarian.  I showed them on paper, what each of them would make in the careers they picked and what they could afford to buy with there income.  My youngest was very disappointed with the outcome of her paycheck.

Teens love to spend money and they don’t quite understand that the money bag isn’t bottomless.  I remember my youngest daughter telling me to “Just write a check”, when she wanted something and I told her I couldn’t afford it.  I asked her what she thought happened when I wrote a check, she had no idea.

As our children get older their spending habits get more expensive, their needs for things in general become more.  It’s okay to have your teen participate in the expenses of their living habits, for a fact it’s more than okay, it’s a good thing.  When they participate, they become more responsibly with their actions of spending money.  When it’s their money they are less apt to spend money foolishly.  They tend to spend our money a lot easier, there is no risk.

You want your teen to participate in their expenses, not cover them completely.  When I was a teen, my friend was totally responsibly for all of her clothes, make-up,  food, entertainment, everything. It was too much for her, so don’t go overboard.  Building a responsible teen is one thing, you don’t want them to be neurotic.  So, talk to your teens about money, give them chores or let them get a part-time job and earn their own money. Let them spend their money on what they want to spend it on, and still help them with necessities.

It’s our job to raise independent adults, the best way to do this is to teach them about responsibilities.  Money is a huge part of this. It also gives us the opportunity to look into our own spending habits, and how we view money.  Good luck, and have fun with your teen, helping them learn how to and not to spend money.

I remember getting my license and driving around like I was all that and more.  I didn’t understand the importance of what being behind the wheel of a car meant. The dangers actually!  2 months after getting my license I rear-ended another vehicle. I took my eyes off the road without realizing the impact it could have.

When my oldest daughter Amber got her license I was sure she wouldn’t get in an accident because she was very conscious in her everyday life, she had an accident 1 week after getting her license.  My youngest daughter didn’t get into an accident the first year although we all admitted it was a miracle because she drove like Mr. Magoo, causing many accidents behind her, we were sure.

National Teen Driving Statistics (found at Rocky Mountain Insurance association)

• Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for teenagers.
• 16 year-olds have higher crash rates than drivers of any other age.
• 16-year-olds are three times more likely to die in a motor vehicle crash than the average of all drivers.
• 3,490 drivers age 15-20 died in car crashes in 2006, up slightly from 2005.
• Drivers age 15-20 accounted for 12.9 percent of all the drivers involved in fatal crashes and 16 percent of all the drivers involved in police-reported crashes in 2006.
• The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimates the economic impact of auto accidents involving 15-20 year old drivers is over $40 billion.
• A recent report by AAA estimates the cost of crashes involving 15-17 year olds to be $34 billion.
• Graduated Driving programs appear to be making a difference. Fatal crashes involving 15- to 20-year olds in 2005 were down 6.5 percent from 7,979 in 1995, to the lowest level in ten years.
• Fewer 16-year-olds are driving. In 2006 only 30 percent of 16-year-olds had their driver’s licenses compared to 40% in 1998 according to the Federal Highway Administration.
• According to a 2005 survey of 1,000 people ages 15 and 17, conducted by the Allstate Foundation
  • More than half (56 percent) of young drivers use cell phones while driving,
  • 69 percent said that they speed to keep up with traffic
  • 64 percent said they speed to go through a yellow light.
  • 47 percent said that passengers sometimes distract them.
  • Nearly half said they believed that most crashes involving teens result from drunk driving.
• 31 percent of teen drivers killed in 2006 had been drinking, according to NHTSA. 25 percent had a blood alcohol concentration of .08 or higher.
• Statistics show that 16 and 17-year-old driver death rates increase with each additional passenger (IIHS).

My Suggestion to parents of teens that are going to start driving is “Practice makes Perfect” and “Education gives knowledge”.  So, talk to them about driving and the dangers, and what it means to be behind the wheel of a heavy piece of equipment that can kill someone.  Show them the stats.

In that 6 months period where they have their permit and you are teaching them how to drive, take it seriously, it is your job.  First have them drive every time you both get into the car, I know this isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.  If you can’t, get your spouse to do it, but just do it. Practice does make perfect.

Send them to a Driving program above and beyond your training and the schools Drivers Ed.  The more they know about driving and how to avoid dangerous situations the better chance you have of them not getting into an accident.  If you don’t take this seriously, they won’t.

Looking at the Stats, we know that this is a serious matter, so lets treat it as one. As a parent we have a lot of things we have to teach our teens, and a lot of them are life saving issues.  Do the research together on the Internet and ask them if they know anyone that has been in  a car accident and died. Chances are they have and so they will understand the importance of talking about driving and they will be excited to get a lot of experience behind the wheel.  One of the complaints teens have with learning to drive is that their parents don’t let them drive enough before they go out on their own.

So do your job and prepare your teen for operating a heavy piece of machinery, and have fun while your at it.

My daughter and her friends drive me crazy, they are always arguing about one thing or another.  I am always telling them to grow up and stop bickering.

This is a time when friends play an increasingly important role in their lives. Teens have developed friendships that are more intimate, exclusive, and more constant than in their earlier years. These friendships are an essential component of development. They provide a venue where your teen can explore their identities.

These interactions are very normal for teens.  This is how they learn to problem solve with individuals and in groups.  These interactions give teens a place to practice and learned how to foster the social skills necessary for future success.

Even though this behavior seems extreme and immature to you, realize that they are not adults; they are still learning how to communicate and develop healthy boundaries.  I know many adults that have yet to develop the social skills they needs to have successful interactions with their adult friends.

As a parent, you should look at two things: one- why is their behavior bothering you so badly?  Did your parents bicker? Look at what your wounding around this behavior might be. If you are triggered by her behavior, the only way you are going to be able to show up for her is to react through your own fears. If you are reacting to her, she is going to shut down and not hear any words of wisdom you might have around this subject. So, first do your inner child work around her behavior. Second, lets look at how you might be able to show up for your daughter in a different way.

The best thing you can do while they are arguing is, just allow them the freedom to do it, as long as they aren’t physically hurting each other, let them be.  If things seem to be going no-where you might let them know your available if they need you, if they say okay, you need to make sure you are not bringing your agenda into their arena.  Do not try to solve this problem for them, that’s not what they need or want. You want to ask a lot of questions and if they are not letting each other talk, ask them if they are okay with setting up a format to express their concerns.  This will be where each of them will have an opportunity to discuss their feelings around the issue, uninterrupted.

During this time you need to remain open. Do not take sides, or judge the situation, you are simply a mediator.  Let each of them express their concerns, and maybe you just keep asking questions.  All this does is help them get to the bottom of the problem with an easier format. That’s what you have provided them with, a safe place to explore their feelings and shown them a different way to communicate, by allowing others to express and be heard.

When our teens are working through their issues and we come in and judge them, maybe by saying or thinking that this is an extreme situation and they are being immature, they will shut down to us.  If they shut down to us, we are no longer able to offer assistance when they need it; we just add more emotional upset to the situation.

What we want to do for them is help them through there upset by holding a safe place for them to explore their feelings.  If we aren’t helping them, we need to know that they will be okay, and not judge they them for the way they want to work through it.

Our judgments only put more distance between our teens and us.  If we want to be available for them we have to be willing to not fix things for them and not judge the way the want to fix it.

Remember, this is normal teenage behavior and if this behavior keeps upsetting you, you have work to do.

This is a question to be answered for all ages. It’s not just a teen problem, it seems to be a problem with women of all ages.  When we have low self-esteem, we seem to hang on to those bad relationships a bit to long. It’s even a problem with guys!  I was just talking to a guy friend of mine and he hasn’t been in a relationship for quite a while and his old girlfriend contacted him and he is considering going back into a dysfunctional relationship because he is lonely.

Weather you are 15-years-old or 40-years-old, male or female, the question of the hour is: when is it time to dump a bad relationship?  My immediate answer would be now, but maybe there is a lesson in here for you, and we also have to judge how bad is the relationship.  If the relationship is really bad, he is abusing you verbally or physical, NOW is the answer. Find support and get out, and start doing your work around your sense of self.  We always know where we are in our lives by looking at the relationships we allow in.  We never want to stay in relationships that are potentially dangerous.

They are so many level of abuse, and we don’t want to over look what seems to be something small like a little cut down. We have to get finite with how we allow people to treat us.  If a boyfriend is criticizing us about anything, our hair, our body, our personality, they way we do things, they way we say, things this is a red flag.  Constructive criticism looks different and feels different as well. If someone is saying something to help you, you usually won’t contract and feel hurt. They way you know the difference is to see how you feel after. Are you upset and hurt, or maybe your just saying “Wow, you have a good point there”.

If your body contracts, and you have feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, or fear it’s a good indicator that something is off and you need to look deeply into the relationship you are having.  When we stay in relationships that are abusive, it’s because we don’t feel good about ourselves.  If we felt good about ourselves, it would be easy to say “No Thank You”.

Now, what if your boyfriend apologizes? Well, lets look at this. If he comes to you with real sorrow and he understands what he has done and is working on himself to not do it again, then give him another shot. But if apologizing becomes his way of being in the relationship, meaning every time  he does something wrong, he knows all he has to do is apologize and everything is okay, then forget it. We want to build healthy relationships in our life because when we let people in our lives that don’t treat us good, it damages our self esteem even more. The more we say No to things that aren’t good for us, the more empowered we become. The more empowered we become, the more we say No. The easier it is to say No. It’s the power circle I talk about in my book.

So, start paying attention to those relationships in your life, are they healthy, are they good for you?  If you had a child would you want them to be in those relationship? That’s always a good question to ask. If not, it’s time to walk away.  Walking away from things or people that aren’t good for us develops our self esteem.

Is it time to dump your boyfriends, maybe, maybe not. Maybe you have a daughter that needs help with this decision, I hope this helps, let me know.

“Listen to me, don’t talk back, what’s the matter with you? You’re grounded” Who is this Father talking to? It appears that he is talking to his daughter, but his daughter is clearly not there. His daughter is so shut down that she is no longer able to hear what her father is saying.

I felt like my parents didn’t see me, couldn’t see me, because of their own wounds that they had not worked through. Now, I don’t blame them, I know they did the best they could. All I am saying is that because they were unable to do their inner work, they were not able to show up for me.

When I first started working with teens, I noticed that for them to really shift their behaviors, I had to shift the parents behaviors too. If you as a parent are only reacting to your teen and not responding, your teen will never open up to you and allow your guidance.

When we are in our own childhood wounds, we cannot be available for our teens, because we are looking to meet our own needs.  We can only step into their reality if our wounded child has been taken care of. This is the premise of my new book “Connecting to your Teen in a Disconnected World”. taking care of our self. It is virtually impossible to be present for someone else if we are not

If you get to know your childhood wounds and how they could show up for you, you will see how it is affecting you, and your reacting to your teen through them.

If your teen does something, lets say she stays out later than her curfew and immediately you go into panic mode, and slip into your fears.  She comes home and you start in right away with “Where were you, what were you doing, your thirty minutes past your curfew, your grounded”. Geez, she didn’t even have a moment to tell her mother what happened. So the daughter gets upset and starts yelling and it goes back and forth and ends with the mother saying you’re grounded and walking out. Total Reaction.

The mother was clearly triggered by her daughter coming in late because she has an unresolved childhood wound, maybe her own mother not respecting her and not following through on things she said she would do. If this is the case, she would react to her teen instead of respond.

If the mother would have responded instead of reacted, this is what it might have looked like. Mother says “Are you okay, I noticed you are thirty minutes late?” “Yes, mom I am okay, Jeannie saw Mr. Walker her English teacher at the concert and they were talking”.  “I totally understand that things like this happen and what I would like you to do in the future is call me and see if it’s okay if you stay out later. This is our agreement and for your father and I to continue to trust you, you have to make sure your actions are trustworthy”.

This is your opportunity to explain integrity, and trust and its importance. If we react, the learning is missed because they are thinking about how unreasonable you are instead of learning a deeper level of integrity. Reacting has no purpose and only does damage.  We have to learn to move through our own woundedness so we can show up for our teens with compassion and clarity. It’s hard to respond to our teens is we are in reaction mode. So, it’s time to do your work around your childhood wounds and do some healing, so you can start showing up for your teen in a whole new way.

Lets me know if you have a situation that you have dealt with regarding responding or reacting and what you did. It’s a tough journey to be working on your childhood wounds and still be showing up for your teens.

It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen.  I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea  to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.

Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents.  Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host.  I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well.  My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter.  For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.

Parenting Q & A

• Q: Why is my teen not talking to me?  A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with.  Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open.  Let them know that you are here for them and love them.  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
• Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
• Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not.  So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
• Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you.  Watch what you say about your own body.  Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.

In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other.  Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are.  If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply.  Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.

If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!