How often do you look in your kids eyes and tell them you love them?  Looking back on my childhood, I don’t remember ever being told I was loved.  I was in a conversation with a friend and I we were talking about telling our kids that we love them and I told her that I didn’t remember ever being told.  We both admitted that it was so sad that first my parents obviously couldn’t express their love for me and second that I never heard it from them.

It’s so important to not just tell our kids we love them but for them to feel how much we love them. Oddly enough you would think that because I was never told, that I would do the same thing with my children. It was the opposite, I told them all the time, not just with my words, but with my heart.  I still do, and my girls are 33 and 34-years-old. I also express my love to my grandson, and he tells me he loves me too.

I want the people in my life to feel my love for them, and not just my immediate family.  I want my friends to know how much I love them as well.  This leads me to then look at my life and if I am living from my heart or living in a place of fear.  If I am not expressing my love for the people in my life, the question I ask myself is why?  There can be many reasons, one of the biggest being…I’m afraid they won’t receive my love and they won’t love me back.

So, lets look at that fear; what if they don’t receive, does that change my love for them? No! What if they don’t love me back, does that change my love for them? No!  Can I continue to give love unconditionally is really the question here. Can I love you if you don’t show love back? Of course I can, and I will as long as I don’t allow my fears to get in the way.  This is how I want to live my life, through my heart.  This means that I stand in an open heart even when the people in my life aren’t acting like they love me, and I say acting because I know they love me, they are just having a hard time walking through their fears to show me.

If I don’t allow my fears to get in the way of my loving openly, then it will make it easier for the people in my life to do the same.  If we are vulnerable and loving, it’s hard for others in our life to not be the same way.  So, go out and practice loving with your heart open and be okay with being a bit vulnerable. You will be amazed at the shifts in your relationships through this loving.  When I am loving like this, I feel full and happy and believe it or not my energy level is so much higher also. Try it and see how you feel and let me know what it’s like to live in your heart.

This is such a tough time for parents, even if you understand what is going on, it can be heartbreaking.

Usually around 12-15 years old depending on the teen, he or she will start pulling away from parents, this is a normal, healthy stage in adolescent development. The teen will pull away from parents as he or she attempts to develop their own identity. It is a natural process for the preparation of leaving the nest.  

I remember my oldest daughter and I were very close, we spend a lot of time together, and we talked about everything. When she was 13 years old, she started spending more time in her bedroom on the phone, more time with friends and most all communication was off with me.  I used to go open her bedroom door and say “have you seen my daughter Amber anywhere? She would just say “Mom”, and roll her eyes, and I would laugh and say “if you see her tell her hi” and I would shut the door.

I didn’t try to make her talk to me, or make her hang out with me, and I tried not to take it personally, although I missed her terribly. I remember she started coming back to me about 10 months to a year later.

The more you communicate with your kids when they are younger, the easier these times will be. The pulling away won’t be as extreme, and it might not last as long.  If you wait until your child is 12 years old to start communicating with them, I can almost guarantee they are not going to want to talk to you much at all.

You also want to make sure that this is just normal pulling away, not something more.  If pulling away is accompanied with yelling, anger, tantrums, erratic moodiness, hostility, and depression, bad grades, and isolation even with friends, there is probably something bigger going on.

Here are some quick tips to make those times easier:

•    Don’t take it personally, have fun with it.
•    Try talking to your teen about the things he or she is interested in.
•    Do family thing on the weekday nights, better chance of participation.
•    Understand that this is a time when they need more space, more time with friends and a bit more freedom.
•    Pay attention and make sure it’s not something more serious.
•    Let them know you understand that it is okay, and that you are available if they need you.

Remember that they come back to you, so try not to pressure them to much during this time so they don’t shut down and never want to come back.  That is the good new this is temporary.

I would love to hear how you are handling this issue with your teen.