After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought  you might want to read it as well.  We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.

Dear Beautiful Feet;

It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her.  I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.

Another big influence is the media.  Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves.  In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body.  In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.

During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.

Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are.  So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.

Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love.  Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.

TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS

1.  Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance.  This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.

2.  Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.

3.  Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.

4.  Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.

5.  Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.

6.  Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.

7.  When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.

8.  Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.

9.  Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.

10.  Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.

We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way.  These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away.  If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.

In our attempt to be connected with our kids, friends, co-workers or family, do cell phones disconnected us to the person right next to us?

How many times have you seen a group of people together  but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones.  Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?

Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.

How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens?  Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.

It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone.  Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with.  Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.

It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?

So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them.  Here are a few tips.

1)  Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2)  If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3)  Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4)  Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5)  Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6)  Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7)  No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents

Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.

If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them.  There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra

First of all lets talk about what fighting means.  Is it fist fighting, screaming and cursing, name calling, acting like a baby and pouting and giving your partner the silent treatment?  Yes, this is fighting to me, and if you are doing this in front of your children, you are a child yourself and you should look into taking some classes on becoming an adult fast.

Our children learn about a lot of things from us without us even trying to teach them, they learn through watching us.  Communicating with others is a very important skill that we need as adults.  We need it in the work place, with our friends, our partners, our children, out there in the world in general, we need the tools to resolve issues.  Nothing gets resolved through fighting, it’s nothing more than a fight, that leaves both parties bruised and battered.  To help our kids develop good tools to resolve issues they need to see people in their lives doing it and explaining how it is done.  If you and your partner have an issue to resolve, it’s okay to resolve the issue in front of your kids as long as that is what is happening.  When the discussion is over, the issue is resolved, and no one is beaten up.