I was talking with a parent yesterday and we were discussing her concerns with bullying, and how prevalent it is with teens today.  So, this morning I thought that I would write about it.  In the mean time I was looking through my information on bullying and I found this article about Bullying Being A Big Problem by Kids Health and I am excited to see how thorough the information is.

Every time I facilitate a workshop, no matter what the topic is, I always talk to girls about how they treat each other. What’s it is like to be bullied, and what makes a girl be a bully.

I was bullied as a teen for many years, and the despair I would feel every morning before going to school was deep.  The anxiety that I felt daily was unbearable.  When I became a parent of teens myself, I was looking at my behavior to make sure that I wasn’t teaching my girls to be bullies.

As parents we need to look at our actions to see if we are creating bullies.  Every teen has insecurities that can show up in different ways.  It can show up as being very shy or so insecure that they bully. Working on self esteem helps both side of being bullied and being a bully. It’s up to us as parents to see where our teens fall in that spectrum.

Enjoy this article, it is packed full of great information.

Bullying Is a Big Problem

Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don’t always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.

Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.

Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don’t fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.

Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).

Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website – practices that are known as cyberbullying.

How Does Bullying Make People Feel?

One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.

Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.

Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.

Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It’s estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.

Who Bullies?

Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.

Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.

Although most bullies think they’re hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past – maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.

Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.

What Can You Do?

For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.

One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.

Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.

Adults in positions of authority – parents, teachers, or coaches – can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.

If you’re in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.

Bullying Survival Tips

Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They’re also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:

• Ignore the bully and walk away. It’s definitely not a coward’s response – sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you’re telling the bully that you just don’t care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you’re not vulnerable.
• Hold the anger. Who doesn’t want to get really upset with a bully? But that’s exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you’re in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can’t walk away with poise, use humor – it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
• Don’t get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don’t use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that’s not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
• Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
• Take charge of your life. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best – and your strongest – so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It’s a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
• Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend – anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you’re being bullied.

Find your (true) friends. If you’ve been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what’s true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, “I know the rumor’s not true. I didn’t pay attention to it,” can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is – petty, rude, and immature.

What if You’re the Big Bully

All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they’re feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape – it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it’s no excuse for being the bully.

If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person’s side.

Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable – even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don’t respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character – even look up to you as a leader – find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.

Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It’s never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.

Steps To Stop Bullying in School

If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.

You can try to talk to the bully. If you don’t feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully’s locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.

Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully – especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they’re not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they’re vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don’t like the bully’s behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.

When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully’s reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.

Another way to combat bullying is to join your school’s anti-violence program or, if your school doesn’t have one, to start one of your own.

I found this article on teen bullying on Family First Aid and I thought is was interesting.  Is has become a problem with teenage girls.  What is the issue here?  Is it just low self-esteem?  The parents I talk to often tell me that when they comfort the parents of a bully, the parents themselves are bully’s.

I think we need a program in school to address these issue. I love the format that Challenge Day has set up.  It helps teen have empathy for others.  So let me know if your teen is experiencing problems in school, and what solutions worked for you or didn’t.

What is school bullying?
Bullying includes a wide variety of behaviors, but all involve a person or a group repeatedly trying to harm someone who is weaker or more vulnerable. It can involve direct attacks (such as hitting, threatening or intimidating, maliciously teasing and taunting, name-calling, making sexual remarks, and stealing or damaging belongings) or more subtle, indirect attacks (such as spreading rumors or encouraging others to reject or exclude someone).

How common is teen bullying?
Almost 30 percent of teens in the United States (or over 5.7 million) are estimated to be involved in school bullying as either a bully, a target of teen bullying, or both. In a recent national survey of students in grades 6 to 10, 13 percent reported bullying others, 11 percent reported being the target of school bullies, and another 6 percent said they bullied others and were bullied themselves.

Limited available data suggest that teen bullying is much more common among younger teens than older teens. As teens grow older, they are less likely to bully others and to be the targets of bullies.

School bullying occurs more frequently among boys than girls. Teenage boys are much more likely to bully others and to be the targets of bullies. While both boys and girls say others bully them by making fun of the way they look or talk, boys are more likely to report being hit, slapped, or pushed. Teenage girls are more often the targets of rumors and sexual comments. While teenage boys target both boys and girls, teenage girls most often bully other girls, using more subtle and indirect forms of aggression than boys. For example, instead of physically harming others, they are more likely to spread gossip or encourage others to reject or exclude another girl.

How does school bullying affect teens who are the targets of bullies?
Teen bullying can lead teenagers to feel tense, anxious, and afraid. It can affect their concentration in school, and can lead them to avoid school in some cases. If teen bullying continues for some time, it can begin to affect teens’ self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. It also can increase their social isolation, leading them to become withdrawn and depressed, anxious and insecure. In extreme cases, bullying can be devastating for teens, with long-term consequences. Some teens feel compelled to take drastic measures, such as carrying weapons for protection or seeking violent revenge. Others, in desperation, even consider suicide. Researchers have found that years later, long after the bullying has stopped, adults who were bullied as teens have higher levels of depression and poorer self-esteem than other adults.

What are the long-term consequences of teen bullying behavior?
Teen bullying is often a warning sign that children and teens are heading for trouble and are at risk for serious violence. Teens (particularly boys) who bully are more likely to engage in other antisocial/delinquent behavior (e.g., vandalism, shoplifting, truancy, and drug use) into adulthood. They are four times more likely than nonbullies to be convicted of crimes by age 24, with 60 percent of bullies having at least one criminal conviction.

Information obtained from CDC

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My daughter and her friends drive me crazy, they are always arguing about one thing or another.  I am always telling them to grow up and stop bickering.

This is a time when friends play an increasingly important role in their lives. Teens have developed friendships that are more intimate, exclusive, and more constant than in their earlier years. These friendships are an essential component of development. They provide a venue where your teen can explore their identities.

These interactions are very normal for teens.  This is how they learn to problem solve with individuals and in groups.  These interactions give teens a place to practice and learned how to foster the social skills necessary for future success.

Even though this behavior seems extreme and immature to you, realize that they are not adults; they are still learning how to communicate and develop healthy boundaries.  I know many adults that have yet to develop the social skills they needs to have successful interactions with their adult friends.

As a parent, you should look at two things: one- why is their behavior bothering you so badly?  Did your parents bicker? Look at what your wounding around this behavior might be. If you are triggered by her behavior, the only way you are going to be able to show up for her is to react through your own fears. If you are reacting to her, she is going to shut down and not hear any words of wisdom you might have around this subject. So, first do your inner child work around her behavior. Second, lets look at how you might be able to show up for your daughter in a different way.

The best thing you can do while they are arguing is, just allow them the freedom to do it, as long as they aren’t physically hurting each other, let them be.  If things seem to be going no-where you might let them know your available if they need you, if they say okay, you need to make sure you are not bringing your agenda into their arena.  Do not try to solve this problem for them, that’s not what they need or want. You want to ask a lot of questions and if they are not letting each other talk, ask them if they are okay with setting up a format to express their concerns.  This will be where each of them will have an opportunity to discuss their feelings around the issue, uninterrupted.

During this time you need to remain open. Do not take sides, or judge the situation, you are simply a mediator.  Let each of them express their concerns, and maybe you just keep asking questions.  All this does is help them get to the bottom of the problem with an easier format. That’s what you have provided them with, a safe place to explore their feelings and shown them a different way to communicate, by allowing others to express and be heard.

When our teens are working through their issues and we come in and judge them, maybe by saying or thinking that this is an extreme situation and they are being immature, they will shut down to us.  If they shut down to us, we are no longer able to offer assistance when they need it; we just add more emotional upset to the situation.

What we want to do for them is help them through there upset by holding a safe place for them to explore their feelings.  If we aren’t helping them, we need to know that they will be okay, and not judge they them for the way they want to work through it.

Our judgments only put more distance between our teens and us.  If we want to be available for them we have to be willing to not fix things for them and not judge the way the want to fix it.

Remember, this is normal teenage behavior and if this behavior keeps upsetting you, you have work to do.

“Listen to me, don’t talk back, what’s the matter with you? You’re grounded” Who is this Father talking to? It appears that he is talking to his daughter, but his daughter is clearly not there. His daughter is so shut down that she is no longer able to hear what her father is saying.

I felt like my parents didn’t see me, couldn’t see me, because of their own wounds that they had not worked through. Now, I don’t blame them, I know they did the best they could. All I am saying is that because they were unable to do their inner work, they were not able to show up for me.

When I first started working with teens, I noticed that for them to really shift their behaviors, I had to shift the parents behaviors too. If you as a parent are only reacting to your teen and not responding, your teen will never open up to you and allow your guidance.

When we are in our own childhood wounds, we cannot be available for our teens, because we are looking to meet our own needs.  We can only step into their reality if our wounded child has been taken care of. This is the premise of my new book “Connecting to your Teen in a Disconnected World”. taking care of our self. It is virtually impossible to be present for someone else if we are not

If you get to know your childhood wounds and how they could show up for you, you will see how it is affecting you, and your reacting to your teen through them.

If your teen does something, lets say she stays out later than her curfew and immediately you go into panic mode, and slip into your fears.  She comes home and you start in right away with “Where were you, what were you doing, your thirty minutes past your curfew, your grounded”. Geez, she didn’t even have a moment to tell her mother what happened. So the daughter gets upset and starts yelling and it goes back and forth and ends with the mother saying you’re grounded and walking out. Total Reaction.

The mother was clearly triggered by her daughter coming in late because she has an unresolved childhood wound, maybe her own mother not respecting her and not following through on things she said she would do. If this is the case, she would react to her teen instead of respond.

If the mother would have responded instead of reacted, this is what it might have looked like. Mother says “Are you okay, I noticed you are thirty minutes late?” “Yes, mom I am okay, Jeannie saw Mr. Walker her English teacher at the concert and they were talking”.  “I totally understand that things like this happen and what I would like you to do in the future is call me and see if it’s okay if you stay out later. This is our agreement and for your father and I to continue to trust you, you have to make sure your actions are trustworthy”.

This is your opportunity to explain integrity, and trust and its importance. If we react, the learning is missed because they are thinking about how unreasonable you are instead of learning a deeper level of integrity. Reacting has no purpose and only does damage.  We have to learn to move through our own woundedness so we can show up for our teens with compassion and clarity. It’s hard to respond to our teens is we are in reaction mode. So, it’s time to do your work around your childhood wounds and do some healing, so you can start showing up for your teen in a whole new way.

Lets me know if you have a situation that you have dealt with regarding responding or reacting and what you did. It’s a tough journey to be working on your childhood wounds and still be showing up for your teens.

Have you ever been in an argument with your teen, and when it was over, you felt completely beaten down? You may have felt weak, tired or anxious. You might even have had physical symptoms of pain, such as a stomachache.

At times like this, the conversation seems more like a boxing match. After only three rounds, you feel like you’re about to drop. Then comes round four.  Your teen says, “Come on, Mom, you’re so old fashioned.”  At round five it’s: “Everyone else is going.” Then comes round six: “Angie’s mom is so cool. Why can’t you be like her?” followed by round seven: “I hate you! I can’t wait to get out of here!” That’s the knockout punch. The conversation is over.

How do you stop an argument with your teen from spinning out of control? No matter what the issue, it seems that you wind up in the same place, over and over.  It’s a no-win scenario, leaving both parties near death. No one feels good when the battle is over, even if one party gets his or her way.

I believe there are two points of view that will solve this dilemma. First, both parties have a right to their opinion, and second, both parties have a right to have boundaries. If both of these issues are honored, then the discussion will play out quite differently.

Let’s take a closer look at the first point: both parties have a right to their opinion. This perspective requires stepping into the other person’s reality and taking a look at the situation from their point of view before reacting. It is trying to develop compassion by understanding what the other person is going through. Stepping into their teenager’s shoes is particularly hard for parents to do because they feel that they know better. And maybe they do. But teens learn from their own experiences, not from what their parents have learned.

This does not mean that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. It means that they should be allowed to express themselves and to explore the options.

A good strategy for you as a parent is to ask your teen a lot of questions about the issue, request or situation. It helps to understand why your teen is wanting what he or she wants. Then the two of you can look at the pros and cons of the choices. What this approach does is to turn a potential argument into a discussion.

If a battle breaks out anyway and you find yourself in what I call a “spinning class”—going nowhere fast—and your teen is throwing one punch after another, it’s time to move into “setting boundaries.” It’s time to stop engaging. Set a boundary and do not discuss the topic anymore.  Change the subject, ignore the comments and walk away.

It’s hard to simply walk away when someone is yelling mean things at you. But if there is no one to engage in an argument, the battle stops. First, you must be calm. Then set the boundary. You might say, “I am not going to discuss this with you anymore. This is what it is, and the discussion is over.” Then do not discuss it anymore, do not justify your position. When you get into explaining your decision, you open it back up for discussion. Parents tend to want to justify themselves because they don’t want to feel bad about their teen not liking them.  You have to be okay with your teen not always liking you.

So first put yourselves in your teen’s shoes to truly understand his or her point of view and so that your teen will feel heard. If the conversation still goes sour, set a boundary.  Your teen will more willingly adhere to your rules after feeling heard.  Although your relationship with your teen might get worse before it gets better, eventually it will shift.  And when it does, it will be a win-win situation.  You just have to be the first one to get out of the rink.

Let me know how this works for you, I have had a lot of success with it in my mentoring.

First of all lets talk about what fighting means.  Is it fist fighting, screaming and cursing, name calling, acting like a baby and pouting and giving your partner the silent treatment?  Yes, this is fighting to me, and if you are doing this in front of your children, you are a child yourself and you should look into taking some classes on becoming an adult fast.

Our children learn about a lot of things from us without us even trying to teach them, they learn through watching us.  Communicating with others is a very important skill that we need as adults.  We need it in the work place, with our friends, our partners, our children, out there in the world in general, we need the tools to resolve issues.  Nothing gets resolved through fighting, it’s nothing more than a fight, that leaves both parties bruised and battered.  To help our kids develop good tools to resolve issues they need to see people in their lives doing it and explaining how it is done.  If you and your partner have an issue to resolve, it’s okay to resolve the issue in front of your kids as long as that is what is happening.  When the discussion is over, the issue is resolved, and no one is beaten up.