Are we victims or do we take responsibility for are own stuff? Here is an exurb from my book about being a victim.

Sometimes we feel like victims because we are not willing to accept responsibility for ourselves and our actions. It is impossible to have self-esteem if you are powerless. VICTIMS ARE POWERLESS! Let me explain. If you never admit that anything is your fault or believe you don’t have control over some situation in your life, how are you ever going to make any changes in yourself? If you think it is always someone else’s fault, then other people actually control what happens to you in your life. That sounds pretty scary to me. Make no mistake; you don’t have the power to change what anyone else does. You only have the power to change what you do. Here is a story I want to share with you.

I was sitting outside one night with my fourteen daughter and her friend Karen. Karen was visibly upset, and when I asked her what was going on, this is the story she told:

A few weeks ago,” Karen said, “I was at a guy’s house with a few friends and he asked me if I wanted to go down to the basement to talk. I was a little nervous, but I went down anyway and immediately he started kissing me, and he wouldn’t stop. I pushed him away and told him to let me go back upstairs, but he wouldn’t let me go. I kept struggling while he continued to kiss me. He yelled at me, “Why did you come downstairs in the first place?” I finally got away from him and ran back upstairs. Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t believe he did that to me.

After Karen finished her story, I asked her if she thought there was anything she could have done that would have prevented the situation. Karen’s answer was that there wasn’t anything she could have done because he was older and stronger. So Karen, in this situation, decided to remain a victim. “He did it to me.” She was powerless because she believed there was nothing she could do. That’s a pretty scary place to be in life. That same situation could keep happening. In Karen’s mind, the only way to change the situation would be to change everybody else’s actions. How hard would that be? IMPOSSIBLE! You can’t change other people. That’s correct, but you can change yourself. As long as Karen believed she was a victim, this same kind of situation could keep happening to her. She really believed that she had no choice.

I talked to Karen about that nervous feeling, her uneasiness before going downstairs. Karen’s uneasiness was her intuition (her “inner voice”) letting her know she might be entering into a situation that wasn’t good for her. Sometimes that voice is so subtle, you have to listen carefully in order to hear it. When I asked her if she had listened to that voice and not gone downstairs with the guy, would that have prevented the whole situation? Her answer was, “Yes, yes it would have.” Then why had she gone down anyway? She said because she wanted him to like her. I asked her why she needed him to like her. Karen thought for a moment and then she shrugged her shoulders and said that she didn’t know why.

“Karen, do you like yourself?” I asked her. “Sometimes,” was her reply to me. “If you had more confidence and were more secure with who you are, would it have made it easier to say ‘no’? Would saying ‘No thanks, I’m going to hang with my friends’ have been easier for you?” Karen paused as she thought this over. Finally she smiled her beautiful smile and said, “I guess if I liked myself, it wouldn’t matter if anyone else liked me. I wouldn’t have to do things to get people to like me.” I told her the guy probably would have respected her for being confident.

Having confidence and satisfaction in oneself equals SELF- ESTEEM.

The biggest discovery for Karen was that she didn’t need to be a victim, and that she had the power to keep herself out of uncomfortable situations. Knowing that she didn’t have to be a victim gave Karen back her inner strength. Remember, before we talked there was nothing she thought she could have done. She was a powerless victim. Afterward, Karen was shining with power. She was excited with her new found strength. Listen to your inner voice. Be honest with yourself, and don’t do things that make you feel uneasy.

In most all situations, we have the power to make choices in our life that can affect us either negatively or positively.  The most important thing to do, is listen to that inner voice we all have. Even if it’s a tiny little voice saying “I don’t know about this”, pay attention to it. You don’t need to have that inner voice validated with the answers why you shouldn’t,  just know that your intuition is guiding you, and it always guides you in the right direction.  So start paying attention to that voice and start making decisions that are good for you and stop giving your power away.

I would love to hear from anyone that has a great story to tell about being a victim or not.