There are a ton of reasons why we have low self esteem, and when I say we I mean all of us. I have never met a teen or an adult with high self esteem. The only people I have met with high self esteem are little people below the ages of 5-years-old. Something happens to us when we start going to school, this is where the judgments start and we get put down for being ourselves. This is also the time when parents start possibly pushing their kids to be a certain way also.
Have you noticed how little kids behave? They sing and dance in front of everyone and could care less what they think. They don’t care if they have good voices, if they have been professional trained in dance, they just sing and dance. As adults we are looking outside ourselves for validation if we are good or bad. My oldest daughter is great about this, if someone says can you sing, can you dance, she says absolutely. She dances and sings and doesn’t care if it looks or sounds good. I love that, it’s so childlike. Check out this video, it’s the best.
The goal here is to stay childlike, in our adulthood. Why do we care what others think? Why because we have grown up thinking that the barometer is outside of ourselves instead of inside. Why would we trust someone else to tell us we are good at something instead of listening to ourselves. Also who is the judge of what is good and what is bad. Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Is my voice good or is it bad? Are my clothes okay? Who or what tells us we are okay or not? And more importantly, why are we listening.
I give you a challenge this week to do things that might make you look ridiculous, because if you are being ridiculous, you are probably being childlike. Really push yourself, wear something that you would want to wear but you think people might judge you for it. Sing in front of your family or dance. See how they react. Our self esteem is lacking because we aren’t looking at our essence, we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of others. Try doing something different this week. Step out there and be the real you and let go of the judgments that might come in, like they don’t matter…because they don’t matter. Good luck and let me know how it feels.
I have a column I write for and I receive E-mail from parents and teens asking me questions to respond to and this was one I really thought needed attention. Teen Sex is it Wrong or Right? A teenager is asking me this very important questions. Now if you’re a parent you might scream WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If you’re the teen you might say it depends.
So first lets look at wrong and right. What does this mean, wrong being bad and right being good. Isn’t this what we think? Does it have to be wrong or right, good or bad? Can it just be a lesson learned? Now parents don’t go all crazy on me with “some lesson- a pregnant daughter”, I get it. This is what we need to look at. Not telling our kids not to have sex because it’s wrong or bad but allowing them the space to explore their options and then make a decision that makes sense for them. Usually if we allow them the space, they make good decisions.
We want our teens to ask themselves questions about the decisions they are making, and if their not, we should ask them questions. If we ask them questions it teaches them how to make decisions for themselves, and teaches them to ask themselves questions. This girl that asked this question, “Is Sex Wrong or Right”? The questions you would ask her might be or the questions she should ask herself should be:
1) How do you feel about him?
2) Is he someone you see yourself with in the future?
3) Do you love him?
4) Does he love you?
5) Why would you have sex with him? This is a big one.
6) How do you think you would feel if you had sex with him and he talked about it to others?
7) How would you feel if you had sex with him and you broke up a couple of weeks later? How do you think your next partner will feel if you have slept with other guys?
9) Is he someone that you trust?
10) Are you okay with multiple sexual partners
11) Are you okay with having a boyfriend who has had multiple partners?
All of these questions makes them think about what they are doing or contemplating doing. If you are a teen asking these questions of yourself, BE HONEST! Be real with yourself. If you are having sex with this guy because you want him to like you, that’s okay. Then you can deal with the real issue. If a teen has to answer these questions there is a good chance they will not have sex with their boyfriend.
What I want to stress more than anything is that these are the questions teens want to ask. They want to ask their parents, but because a lot of parents react so strongly to the questions, they stop asking. Promote them asking questions from you and of themselves. When we ask and answer questions of ourselves it helps us make better decisions. So Parents, instead of getting stocked, relaxed and ask questions and let them figure things out.
Parents, let me know what you think of this, and teens too.
How often do you look in your kids eyes and tell them you love them? Looking back on my childhood, I don’t remember ever being told I was loved. I was in a conversation with a friend and I we were talking about telling our kids that we love them and I told her that I didn’t remember ever being told. We both admitted that it was so sad that first my parents obviously couldn’t express their love for me and second that I never heard it from them.
It’s so important to not just tell our kids we love them but for them to feel how much we love them. Oddly enough you would think that because I was never told, that I would do the same thing with my children. It was the opposite, I told them all the time, not just with my words, but with my heart. I still do, and my girls are 33 and 34-years-old. I also express my love to my grandson, and he tells me he loves me too.
I want the people in my life to feel my love for them, and not just my immediate family. I want my friends to know how much I love them as well. This leads me to then look at my life and if I am living from my heart or living in a place of fear. If I am not expressing my love for the people in my life, the question I ask myself is why? There can be many reasons, one of the biggest being…I’m afraid they won’t receive my love and they won’t love me back.
So, lets look at that fear; what if they don’t receive, does that change my love for them? No! What if they don’t love me back, does that change my love for them? No! Can I continue to give love unconditionally is really the question here. Can I love you if you don’t show love back? Of course I can, and I will as long as I don’t allow my fears to get in the way. This is how I want to live my life, through my heart. This means that I stand in an open heart even when the people in my life aren’t acting like they love me, and I say acting because I know they love me, they are just having a hard time walking through their fears to show me.
If I don’t allow my fears to get in the way of my loving openly, then it will make it easier for the people in my life to do the same. If we are vulnerable and loving, it’s hard for others in our life to not be the same way. So, go out and practice loving with your heart open and be okay with being a bit vulnerable. You will be amazed at the shifts in your relationships through this loving. When I am loving like this, I feel full and happy and believe it or not my energy level is so much higher also. Try it and see how you feel and let me know what it’s like to live in your heart.
When I first starting mentoring Teens, I found it to be so rewarding because of the authentic energy teens bring to the table. What I soon found out was that without mentoring the parents, the teens and I were in No Mans Land!
I am amazed at the speed in which things shift when I am working with both the teens and the parents. Especially when I am working with parents that are open to new ways of parenting. In today’s world we have to look at parenting in a different way. Parenting in the 50′s is way different than parenting today.
When I am working with parents that are defending their position, instead of looking for new ways to connect to their teen, we spend our time on their position of defense, if you know what I mean. It takes an brave and honest parent to admit they don’t know everything, and to be open to helping their teens acquire the tools they need to be independent and happy adults.
If we are looking for new ways to communicate and relate to our kids it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to parent. It means we are always looking for ways to be a better parent. I constantly hear “my daughter has great self-esteem” or “my teen and I get along great” from parents. My first thought is that’s wonderful, and my second thought is, so lets keep that ball rolling. I also hear from parents that everything was going just great and Wham, things changed, like over night.
This may seem like it happened over night, but it didn’t, it was progressive. In the beginning I said the reason I love mentoring teens is because of their authentic energy, they are real. I’m not sure if parents just don’t realize what’s going on in the household or they are pretending it doesn’t exist. Either way, it dilutes the ability to shift behaviors. If we wait as parents until something goes wrong, it’s harder to find balance in the situation. So, start early helping your teen learn how to love themselves so that they can make better decisions and so you can guide them through this with greater ease.
Take advantage of anything that will help you, help your teen. You will be happy that you did. Kick that pride away and get down to business.
I found this News Release about cigarette marketing campaign targeting teen girls from UC San Diego Medical Center, and thought it needed to be sent through to my audience. After reading this I realized that it is really important to talk to your kids about smoking, not just one conversation, but many. If you aren’t opening up the communication to discuss issues like this, your teens will be left to their own means to make decisions. The media is very powerful, don’t under estimate it. Our teen listen to the TV, magazines, radio, and internet and it is influencing them to a large degree.
Self-Esteem is critical to teens doing what is good for them, not what others think they should be doing, including the media.
I am actually in the process of another blog about fashion and what a hold it has on our teens. It’s important to talk to our teens about issues and empower them to be able to make good decisions for themselves. Let me know what you think…I’m pretty sure you don’t want your teenagers smoking.
Date: March 15, 2010 News Release from UC San Diego Medical Center
Recent Cigarette Marketing Campaign Targeted Teen Girls, Study Reveals
The 1998 Master Settlement Agreement (MSA) prohibits tobacco industry advertising practices that encourage underage teenagers to smoke, yet new research out of the Moores Cancer Center at the University of California, San Diego has found that a 2007 marketing campaign for Camel brand cigarettes was effective in encouraging young girls to start smoking.
The study, led by John P. Pierce, PhD, professor of Family and Preventive Medicine and director of the Cancer Center’s Cancer Prevention and Control Program, will be published March 15 in an early online edition of the scientific journal Pediatrics.
The research, part of a national study on parenting practices, involved 1,036 males and females who were 10 to 13 years old when enrolled onto the study. Between 2003 and 2008, scientists conducted five telephone interviews, which included questions about smoking. The fifth interview was conducted after the start of RJ Reynolds’ “Camel No. 9″ advertising campaign in 2007.
Consistent with earlier research, the new study showed that youth who had never smoked but who reported having a “favorite” cigarette ad at the beginning were 50 percent more likely to initiate smoking. The number of boys with a favorite ad was stable across all five surveys. For girls, however, it was stable across the first four surveys, but by the fifth survey, which took place after the start of the Camel No. 9 campaign, the proportion of girls who reported a favorite ad jumped by 10 percentage points, to 44 percent. The Camel brand accounted almost entirely for this increase.
“In 1998, the Tobacco Industry signed an agreement with State Attorneys General which included a commitment not to target adolescents with advertising. Congressional leaders and others have complained to RJ Reynolds that the Camel #9 campaign violated that agreement,” said Pierce. “This national study demonstrated that the Camel No. 9 campaign had a huge impact on young adolescent girls across the country, effectively encouraging them to smoke.”
The Camel No. 9 marketing campaign included ads resembling fashion spreads that were placed in five of the top 10 U.S. teen readership magazines, such as Glamour and Vogue. The campaign also featured promotional giveaways such as berry lip balm, cell phone jewelry, purses and wristbands.
Co-authors on the paper are Karen Messer, PhD, Lisa E. James, Martha M. White, MS and Sheila Kealey, MPH, all of the Moores UCSD Cancer Center; and Donna M. Vallone, PhD, MPH, and Cheryl G. Healton, DrPH, both of the American Legacy Foundation, Washington, D.C. This study was funded by the National Cancer Institute, the American Legacy Foundation, and the Tobacco Related Disease Research Program of the University of California.
Before giving the quick tips for self-esteem, lets talk about what self-esteem is. The Webster’s dictionary says;
Self-Esteem- The esteem or good opinion of oneself.
Now lets look at what esteem is;
Esteem- To set valve on, to regard with respect.
Wow, the opinion of oneself, not the opinion of others…beautiful! Then to set valve on, again our value of our self. If we don’t value our self, we won’t treat our self with respect, therefore our opinion of our self will be low. If our opinion is low, our self-respect will be low, and guess what our self-esteem will suffer.
If we have low self-esteem, we will make decisions from a place of lacking confidence. If our self-esteem is high, we make better decisions for our self. We want to value who we are, love who we are, and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem. So now that we know what self-esteem is and how important it is, we can implement these tips to strengthen these parts of our self that are critical to being the person we want to be. So, here they are.
Quick Tips to Self-Esteem
1. Learn to like yourself, make sure that you have the qualities that the people you like have, like caring, honesty, supportive, positive, loyal and communicative.
2. Work on removing the things you dislike about yourself by changing your actions, attitudes or perceptions about those things.
3. Realize what makes you shine comes for the inside of you, not what you look like.
4. Make sure you are being good to yourself by taking care of yourself with positive self-talk, negative self-talk lowers your self-esteem and your light.
5. Practice doing good things for yourself by eating right, exercising, being creative, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress to a minimum.
6. Enjoy being you, you are the only you in the world.
7. Realize we play a big role in the world and we get to pick if we affect it negatively or positively.
So, go out into the world with yourself being the unique, powerful, wonderful being that you are knowing that you have complete control over your behavior and actions.
I Hope this helps, we all need a little boost to remember how to love our self. Let me know some of the things you do to help yourself strengthen your self-esteem.
So, when is it okay to quit? I use to be that person that never gave up, even if it wasn’t in my best interest. The thought of not finishing or failing at something gave me high anxiety. I was the person that would say “Sure I can carry the house, I’m strong enough”, no matter what.
It took me a long time to realize that it might not be a good idea to carry a house. I had to start bringing in the part of me that was okay with not accomplishing it all. I also looked at the part of me that wasn’t okay with myself and had to prove that the only way to be okay was to be good at everything and never quit anything.
It was holiday vacation time for me, my boyfriend and his 15 year-old twins and we all decided to go Snowboarding. I used to Ski 13 years ago and thought Snowboarding would be tough, but I’d be able to do it, even though my physical health was on the mend. I have been working out most of my life but through my health stuff had taken 2 years off.
The first day Ian, one of the twins and myself took group lessons just to make sure we had our form down and didn’t learn any bad habits. After our lesson we proceeded up the mountain with the rest and I was shocked at how bad I was, and how hard it was. I couldn’t stay up for longer than 7 seconds.
When I was up my legs were burning like someone was throwing hot water on them. I don’t know how many of you have snowboarded but you need a strong core and strong legs. Both of which have been on the mend for the last 6 months for me. I have always been so strong in my body and very athletic, so this for me wasn’t easy to handle. After doing so poorly the first day, I had to make a decision if I was going to give it another whirl. Let me remind you that I had fallen so many times that my butt was bruised, and both my arms and legs felt light they had been pulled out of their sockets. So, I slept on it.
The next morning I decided to give it one more day because I felt that it wasn’t a fair assessment only after one day. So I took a private lesson, and really felt like I had learned so much more, that it had to make a difference. So after my lesson I went up the bunny hill to practice with a whole new level of excitement. I got to the top and to my surprise it was like I had never had a lesson. At first I was so disappointed, and wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could do it and then something shifted in me. I became very compassionate for how hard I had tried even with my body in it’s repairing stage.
I finally got to the bottom and took off the board and went and had a hot chocalate, and allowed myself to be disappointed without beating myself up. I realized that it was okay for me not to be a snowboarder (right now), that I would ski until my body was stronger to handle a sport that took so much strength.
I realized I gave it my best shot, (I have the bruises to prove it) and that it felt okay inside to let it go. Now that doesn’t mean I well never snowboard again, it just means that it’s okay if I don’t. If you are like I was, always pushing yourself to the edge, weather it is good for you or not or if you push your teens passed their limit, look inside yourself and ask why.
As long as you give something your best shot and you decide that for whatever reason you don’t like it, or just simply don’t want to do it, it’s okay to quit. It doesn’t make you a loser, on the contrary, it makes you a person who will try anything and a person who loves them self.
After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought you might want to read it as well. We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.
Dear Beautiful Feet;
It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her. I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.
Another big influence is the media. Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves. In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body. In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.
During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.
Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are. So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.
Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love. Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.
TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS
1. Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance. This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.
2. Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.
3. Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.
4. Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.
5. Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.
6. Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.
7. When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.
8. Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.
9. Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.
10. Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.
We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way. These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away. If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.
In our attempt to be connected with our kids, friends, co-workers or family, do cell phones disconnected us to the person right next to us?
How many times have you seen a group of people together but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones. Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?
Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.
How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens? Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.
It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone. Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with. Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.
It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?
So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them. Here are a few tips.
1) Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2) If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3) Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4) Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5) Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6) Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7) No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents
Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.
If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them. There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra
I was talking with a parent yesterday and we were discussing her concerns with bullying, and how prevalent it is with teens today. So, this morning I thought that I would write about it. In the mean time I was looking through my information on bullying and I found this article about Bullying Being A Big Problem by Kids Health and I am excited to see how thorough the information is.
Every time I facilitate a workshop, no matter what the topic is, I always talk to girls about how they treat each other. What’s it is like to be bullied, and what makes a girl be a bully.
I was bullied as a teen for many years, and the despair I would feel every morning before going to school was deep. The anxiety that I felt daily was unbearable. When I became a parent of teens myself, I was looking at my behavior to make sure that I wasn’t teaching my girls to be bullies.
As parents we need to look at our actions to see if we are creating bullies. Every teen has insecurities that can show up in different ways. It can show up as being very shy or so insecure that they bully. Working on self esteem helps both side of being bullied and being a bully. It’s up to us as parents to see where our teens fall in that spectrum.
Enjoy this article, it is packed full of great information.
Bullying Is a Big Problem
Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don’t always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.
Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.
Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don’t fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.
Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).
Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website – practices that are known as cyberbullying.
How Does Bullying Make People Feel?
One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.
Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.
Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.
Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It’s estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.
Who Bullies?
Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.
Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.
Although most bullies think they’re hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past – maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.
Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.
What Can You Do?
For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.
One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.
Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.
Adults in positions of authority – parents, teachers, or coaches – can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.
If you’re in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.
Bullying Survival Tips
Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They’re also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:
Ignore the bully and walk away. It’s definitely not a coward’s response – sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you’re telling the bully that you just don’t care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you’re not vulnerable.
Hold the anger. Who doesn’t want to get really upset with a bully? But that’s exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you’re in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can’t walk away with poise, use humor – it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
Don’t get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don’t use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that’s not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
Take charge of your life. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best – and your strongest – so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It’s a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend – anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you’re being bullied.
Find your (true) friends. If you’ve been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what’s true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, “I know the rumor’s not true. I didn’t pay attention to it,” can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is – petty, rude, and immature.
What if You’re the Big Bully
All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they’re feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape – it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it’s no excuse for being the bully.
If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person’s side.
Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable – even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don’t respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character – even look up to you as a leader – find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.
Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It’s never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.
Steps To Stop Bullying in School
If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.
You can try to talk to the bully. If you don’t feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully’s locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.
Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully – especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they’re not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they’re vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don’t like the bully’s behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.
When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully’s reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.
Another way to combat bullying is to join your school’s anti-violence program or, if your school doesn’t have one, to start one of your own.
How do you think your next partner will feel if you have slept with other guys?
