I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.

This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.

Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.

My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

–Mark

Hi Mark,

I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies.  Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc.  I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable.  If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight.  If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.

This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like.  We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are.  Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra

(Mark’s letter to the girl)

Dear Cheryl,

This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago.  I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful.  While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Mark

(Her response back to him)

Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter.  I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest.  That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me.  I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.
Cheryl

Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.

It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.

I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.

Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.

After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought  you might want to read it as well.  We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.

Dear Beautiful Feet;

It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her.  I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.

Another big influence is the media.  Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves.  In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body.  In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.

During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.

Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are.  So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.

Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love.  Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.

TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS

1.  Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance.  This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.

2.  Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.

3.  Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.

4.  Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.

5.  Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.

6.  Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.

7.  When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.

8.  Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.

9.  Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.

10.  Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.

We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way.  These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away.  If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.

It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen.  I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea  to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.

Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents.  Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host.  I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well.  My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter.  For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.

Parenting Q & A

• Q: Why is my teen not talking to me?  A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with.  Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open.  Let them know that you are here for them and love them.  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
• Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
• Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not.  So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
• Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you.  Watch what you say about your own body.  Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.

In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other.  Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are.  If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply.  Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.

If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!

This video always shocks me! For those of you who haven’t seen it and have teenage daughters, please share it with them.  Then share it with all of her friends.  Really, do we wonder why we have a distorted view of beauty.  Share this if you can and explain to your daughter that beauty is skin deep and not to buy into the media.

If you have seen this video before, still share it again with your daughters, it’s an opportunity to have a discussion about how she feels about herself.

So, where can kids learn about sex?  They learn from school, friends, TV and other media, and most importantly their parents.  The school system is limited in its approach because it has to honor all the different beliefs of all the parents.  Getting information from their friends is always going to happen, but the information is very skewed, depending on a lot of variables. TV and other media glamorize it, with high-profile teens like Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears,  that would lead your teen to think that sex is okay.  This is not anyone’s job but the parents….So parents, it’s up to you!

I remember when my daughters were 10 and 11 years old and I was planning “the talk”, you know the one where your kids roll their eyes and your not quite sure what to say.  I went to the bookstore and purchased a few books that I thought were interesting and might be good visual aids.  I came home and ask both of my daughters if we could spend a little time together talking about their body changes, sex and pregnancy.  My oldest daughter just starred at me and nodded yes, and my youngest screamed NO, and ran down the hall, only to hide in the closet. So I preceeded to go into the room where my youngest was hiding and talk to my oldest about all of these issues, knowing my youngest could hear me.  Occasionally saying, “did you get that Lindsay”, and she would just reply “Mom stop it”.  What I realized in that moment was that this was not an affective approach, that if I wanted my girls to be informed about these issues, I had to be willing to put in the time to educate them.  We can’t keep blaming the schools and the media for not teaching our teens about sex education; quite frankly, it’s not their job.  Surveys consistently show that parent’s are the most influential in areas of sex.

So, as usual, this topic, just like so many, come back to communication with your teen.  How well do you communicate with your teen and how open is he or she to you?  The biggest issue I see it that parents are very busy and they are not spending enough quality time with their kids. So when it comes time to educate their children on important issues, their kids are not open to them, and therefore are not open to the information the parents want to give them.

“The talk” is great, but the reality is, if you’re not talking to your kids about important issues like puberty, sex and pregnancy like it’s a normal day-to-day conversation, you might get a child hiding in the closet.  Also, one talk just simply does not work. If you want to influence your kids you have to be having conversations and communicating with them all the time. I talk about this a lot because it is so important.  If it is a topic that isn’t discussed in the household and all of a sudden you want to bring it to the table, there is going to be some difficulty.

Studies show that teens that have an open relationship and communicate with their parents have higher self-esteem.  When teens have a strong support system at home, other life issues seem less traumatic.  So parents even though your teens are acting like the know everything and have got things under control, they need your support and they need to feel safe in a world that sometimes feels pretty overwhelming and scary. Use the media as your stepping stone to many conversations and to developing an open line of communication with your precious teenagers.

I would love to hear from you, with any ideas you have about communication around these topics.  Happy parenting, and remember it’s fun when your involved.

This issue about body image is always up for teens I talk to and for myself.  It seems like it is one of the toughest issues to overcome.  Even when I am talking with grown women, it comes up.  I just wanted to post this video for you to watch and the stats regarding body image, it’s amazing.

The more secure we become with who we are, the more comfortable we will be with our bodies.  The more we will appreciate ourselves for who we are.  Here are 10 tips for loving your body:

1.  Appreciate your body for what it does for you. Just your feet alone, they have a tough job.
2. Write done what you like about yourself and view it often.
3.  Catch yourself when saying negative things about your body and say “Cancel” and back it up with something positive.
4.  Don’t buy into the media, its not realistic.
5.  Make sure you see the things in you, you want others to see in you….”That you are a good person”
6.  Catch your judgments of others, realizing that if you are judging others, you are judging yourself.
7.  Dress in clothing that you like, and that looks good on your body, don’t be to hung up on what is in style.
8.  Do nice things that make your body feel good: give yourself a pedicure, take a bubble bath, hug the parts that bother you
and tell them you love them.
9.  Hang around people that respect you and have good things to say about you.
10. Know that beauty comes from the inside out, and what makes you Shine is who you are, not what you look like.