Top Ten Internet Safety Tips

Have you ever been in an argument with your teen, and when it was over, you felt completely beaten down? You may have felt weak, tired or anxious. You might even have had physical symptoms of pain, such as a stomachache.

At times like this, the conversation seems more like a boxing match. After only three rounds, you feel like you’re about to drop. Then comes round four.  Your teen says, “Come on, Mom, you’re so old fashioned.”  At round five it’s: “Everyone else is going.” Then comes round six: “Angie’s mom is so cool. Why can’t you be like her?” followed by round seven: “I hate you! I can’t wait to get out of here!” That’s the knockout punch. The conversation is over.

How do you stop an argument with your teen from spinning out of control? No matter what the issue, it seems that you wind up in the same place, over and over.  It’s a no-win scenario, leaving both parties near death. No one feels good when the battle is over, even if one party gets his or her way.

I believe there are two points of view that will solve this dilemma. First, both parties have a right to their opinion, and second, both parties have a right to have boundaries. If both of these issues are honored, then the discussion will play out quite differently.

Let’s take a closer look at the first point: both parties have a right to their opinion. This perspective requires stepping into the other person’s reality and taking a look at the situation from their point of view before reacting. It is trying to develop compassion by understanding what the other person is going through. Stepping into their teenager’s shoes is particularly hard for parents to do because they feel that they know better. And maybe they do. But teens learn from their own experiences, not from what their parents have learned.

This does not mean that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. It means that they should be allowed to express themselves and to explore the options.

A good strategy for you as a parent is to ask your teen a lot of questions about the issue, request or situation. It helps to understand why your teen is wanting what he or she wants. Then the two of you can look at the pros and cons of the choices. What this approach does is to turn a potential argument into a discussion.

If a battle breaks out anyway and you find yourself in what I call a “spinning class”—going nowhere fast—and your teen is throwing one punch after another, it’s time to move into “setting boundaries.” It’s time to stop engaging. Set a boundary and do not discuss the topic anymore.  Change the subject, ignore the comments and walk away.

It’s hard to simply walk away when someone is yelling mean things at you. But if there is no one to engage in an argument, the battle stops. First, you must be calm. Then set the boundary. You might say, “I am not going to discuss this with you anymore. This is what it is, and the discussion is over.” Then do not discuss it anymore, do not justify your position. When you get into explaining your decision, you open it back up for discussion. Parents tend to want to justify themselves because they don’t want to feel bad about their teen not liking them.  You have to be okay with your teen not always liking you.

So first put yourselves in your teen’s shoes to truly understand his or her point of view and so that your teen will feel heard. If the conversation still goes sour, set a boundary.  Your teen will more willingly adhere to your rules after feeling heard.  Although your relationship with your teen might get worse before it gets better, eventually it will shift.  And when it does, it will be a win-win situation.  You just have to be the first one to get out of the rink.

Let me know how this works for you, I have had a lot of success with it in my mentoring.

This is such a tough time for parents, even if you understand what is going on, it can be heartbreaking.

Usually around 12-15 years old depending on the teen, he or she will start pulling away from parents, this is a normal, healthy stage in adolescent development. The teen will pull away from parents as he or she attempts to develop their own identity. It is a natural process for the preparation of leaving the nest.  

I remember my oldest daughter and I were very close, we spend a lot of time together, and we talked about everything. When she was 13 years old, she started spending more time in her bedroom on the phone, more time with friends and most all communication was off with me.  I used to go open her bedroom door and say “have you seen my daughter Amber anywhere? She would just say “Mom”, and roll her eyes, and I would laugh and say “if you see her tell her hi” and I would shut the door.

I didn’t try to make her talk to me, or make her hang out with me, and I tried not to take it personally, although I missed her terribly. I remember she started coming back to me about 10 months to a year later.

The more you communicate with your kids when they are younger, the easier these times will be. The pulling away won’t be as extreme, and it might not last as long.  If you wait until your child is 12 years old to start communicating with them, I can almost guarantee they are not going to want to talk to you much at all.

You also want to make sure that this is just normal pulling away, not something more.  If pulling away is accompanied with yelling, anger, tantrums, erratic moodiness, hostility, and depression, bad grades, and isolation even with friends, there is probably something bigger going on.

Here are some quick tips to make those times easier:

•    Don’t take it personally, have fun with it.
•    Try talking to your teen about the things he or she is interested in.
•    Do family thing on the weekday nights, better chance of participation.
•    Understand that this is a time when they need more space, more time with friends and a bit more freedom.
•    Pay attention and make sure it’s not something more serious.
•    Let them know you understand that it is okay, and that you are available if they need you.

Remember that they come back to you, so try not to pressure them to much during this time so they don’t shut down and never want to come back.  That is the good new this is temporary.

I would love to hear how you are handling this issue with your teen.

First of all lets talk about what fighting means.  Is it fist fighting, screaming and cursing, name calling, acting like a baby and pouting and giving your partner the silent treatment?  Yes, this is fighting to me, and if you are doing this in front of your children, you are a child yourself and you should look into taking some classes on becoming an adult fast.

Our children learn about a lot of things from us without us even trying to teach them, they learn through watching us.  Communicating with others is a very important skill that we need as adults.  We need it in the work place, with our friends, our partners, our children, out there in the world in general, we need the tools to resolve issues.  Nothing gets resolved through fighting, it’s nothing more than a fight, that leaves both parties bruised and battered.  To help our kids develop good tools to resolve issues they need to see people in their lives doing it and explaining how it is done.  If you and your partner have an issue to resolve, it’s okay to resolve the issue in front of your kids as long as that is what is happening.  When the discussion is over, the issue is resolved, and no one is beaten up.

So, where can kids learn about sex?  They learn from school, friends, TV and other media, and most importantly their parents.  The school system is limited in its approach because it has to honor all the different beliefs of all the parents.  Getting information from their friends is always going to happen, but the information is very skewed, depending on a lot of variables. TV and other media glamorize it, with high-profile teens like Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears,  that would lead your teen to think that sex is okay.  This is not anyone’s job but the parents….So parents, it’s up to you!

I remember when my daughters were 10 and 11 years old and I was planning “the talk”, you know the one where your kids roll their eyes and your not quite sure what to say.  I went to the bookstore and purchased a few books that I thought were interesting and might be good visual aids.  I came home and ask both of my daughters if we could spend a little time together talking about their body changes, sex and pregnancy.  My oldest daughter just starred at me and nodded yes, and my youngest screamed NO, and ran down the hall, only to hide in the closet. So I preceeded to go into the room where my youngest was hiding and talk to my oldest about all of these issues, knowing my youngest could hear me.  Occasionally saying, “did you get that Lindsay”, and she would just reply “Mom stop it”.  What I realized in that moment was that this was not an affective approach, that if I wanted my girls to be informed about these issues, I had to be willing to put in the time to educate them.  We can’t keep blaming the schools and the media for not teaching our teens about sex education; quite frankly, it’s not their job.  Surveys consistently show that parent’s are the most influential in areas of sex.

So, as usual, this topic, just like so many, come back to communication with your teen.  How well do you communicate with your teen and how open is he or she to you?  The biggest issue I see it that parents are very busy and they are not spending enough quality time with their kids. So when it comes time to educate their children on important issues, their kids are not open to them, and therefore are not open to the information the parents want to give them.

“The talk” is great, but the reality is, if you’re not talking to your kids about important issues like puberty, sex and pregnancy like it’s a normal day-to-day conversation, you might get a child hiding in the closet.  Also, one talk just simply does not work. If you want to influence your kids you have to be having conversations and communicating with them all the time. I talk about this a lot because it is so important.  If it is a topic that isn’t discussed in the household and all of a sudden you want to bring it to the table, there is going to be some difficulty.

Studies show that teens that have an open relationship and communicate with their parents have higher self-esteem.  When teens have a strong support system at home, other life issues seem less traumatic.  So parents even though your teens are acting like the know everything and have got things under control, they need your support and they need to feel safe in a world that sometimes feels pretty overwhelming and scary. Use the media as your stepping stone to many conversations and to developing an open line of communication with your precious teenagers.

I would love to hear from you, with any ideas you have about communication around these topics.  Happy parenting, and remember it’s fun when your involved.