So, when is it okay to quit? I use to be that person that never gave up, even if it wasn’t in my best interest. The thought of not finishing or failing at something gave me high anxiety. I was the person that would say “Sure I can carry the house, I’m strong enough”, no matter what.
It took me a long time to realize that it might not be a good idea to carry a house. I had to start bringing in the part of me that was okay with not accomplishing it all. I also looked at the part of me that wasn’t okay with myself and had to prove that the only way to be okay was to be good at everything and never quit anything.
It was holiday vacation time for me, my boyfriend and his 15 year-old twins and we all decided to go Snowboarding. I used to Ski 13 years ago and thought Snowboarding would be tough, but I’d be able to do it, even though my physical health was on the mend. I have been working out most of my life but through my health stuff had taken 2 years off.
The first day Ian, one of the twins and myself took group lessons just to make sure we had our form down and didn’t learn any bad habits. After our lesson we proceeded up the mountain with the rest and I was shocked at how bad I was, and how hard it was. I couldn’t stay up for longer than 7 seconds.
When I was up my legs were burning like someone was throwing hot water on them. I don’t know how many of you have snowboarded but you need a strong core and strong legs. Both of which have been on the mend for the last 6 months for me. I have always been so strong in my body and very athletic, so this for me wasn’t easy to handle. After doing so poorly the first day, I had to make a decision if I was going to give it another whirl. Let me remind you that I had fallen so many times that my butt was bruised, and both my arms and legs felt light they had been pulled out of their sockets. So, I slept on it.
The next morning I decided to give it one more day because I felt that it wasn’t a fair assessment only after one day. So I took a private lesson, and really felt like I had learned so much more, that it had to make a difference. So after my lesson I went up the bunny hill to practice with a whole new level of excitement. I got to the top and to my surprise it was like I had never had a lesson. At first I was so disappointed, and wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I could do it and then something shifted in me. I became very compassionate for how hard I had tried even with my body in it’s repairing stage.
I finally got to the bottom and took off the board and went and had a hot chocalate, and allowed myself to be disappointed without beating myself up. I realized that it was okay for me not to be a snowboarder (right now), that I would ski until my body was stronger to handle a sport that took so much strength.
I realized I gave it my best shot, (I have the bruises to prove it) and that it felt okay inside to let it go. Now that doesn’t mean I well never snowboard again, it just means that it’s okay if I don’t. If you are like I was, always pushing yourself to the edge, weather it is good for you or not or if you push your teens passed their limit, look inside yourself and ask why.
As long as you give something your best shot and you decide that for whatever reason you don’t like it, or just simply don’t want to do it, it’s okay to quit. It doesn’t make you a loser, on the contrary, it makes you a person who will try anything and a person who loves them self.
After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought you might want to read it as well. We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.
Dear Beautiful Feet;
It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her. I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.
Another big influence is the media. Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves. In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body. In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.
During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.
Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are. So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.
Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love. Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.
TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS
1. Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance. This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.
2. Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.
3. Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.
4. Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.
5. Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.
6. Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.
7. When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.
8. Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.
9. Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.
10. Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.
We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way. These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away. If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.
I am preparing for a Girls Intentions Workshop October 17th and it really has me thinking about everything involved in Our Intentions. Our intentions are not just what we intend to do now or in the future. I think that most people think of intentions as a part of manifesting what we want. This is an important part but not the only part.
I think our intentions first must start with our actions, and holding ourselves accountable. If we set an intention to be able to manifest something we want in our lives; a connection with our teen, money, or a different career, it is ultimately our actions that create our reality. Just setting an intention and not taking any action at all, may not create what we want. If we look at our life, it is mostly a culmination of our thoughts and actions.
Our thoughts are important because it is tough to create what we want if we are stuck in a negative place. If we aren’t enjoying the creation of what we are trying to bring into our lives it will prevent us from exploring all the amazing areas of this creations. When we are in a good place in ourselves we tend to be more creative and things just flow better for us .
So first to set an intention, and then really look at what needs to be done to bring that intention into our life. If I want to change my career and become a Doctor, I’m pretty sure that just by me writing it down on a piece of paper and hoping, isn’t going to have me at the hospital healing people anytime soon. The action to go back to school is needed.
It is the same with our relationships with our teenagers. We can hope and wish all day long that we have a better relationship with our teen, but until we start looking at our actions and how they affect the relationship, it won’t change. If our intentions are one thing and our actions don’t step up to the plate, our intention may not come to fruition.
So, the first thing I will help the teen girls understand is that our actions are a direct results of our reality. If our life looks a certain way, we need to look at what actions we have been taking in our life. Then we will talk about our attitudes and how our negative behaviors may be hindering the outcome of what we want to bring in. Then and only then setting the intention to bring it in, knowing that we are going to bring the power into it physically and mentally through our action.
Then we will cement our intentions through creating a Vision Board. It is a powerful workshop that is very impactful with not only teens but with anyone working on shifting their life.
Let me know what your feelings are around this and if you have experienced this is the past.
This issue about body image is always up for teens I talk to and for myself. It seems like it is one of the toughest issues to overcome. Even when I am talking with grown women, it comes up. I just wanted to post this video for you to watch and the stats regarding body image, it’s amazing.
The more secure we become with who we are, the more comfortable we will be with our bodies. The more we will appreciate ourselves for who we are. Here are 10 tips for loving your body:
1. Appreciate your body for what it does for you. Just your feet alone, they have a tough job.
2. Write done what you like about yourself and view it often.
3. Catch yourself when saying negative things about your body and say “Cancel” and back it up with something positive.
4. Don’t buy into the media, its not realistic.
5. Make sure you see the things in you, you want others to see in you….”That you are a good person”
6. Catch your judgments of others, realizing that if you are judging others, you are judging yourself.
7. Dress in clothing that you like, and that looks good on your body, don’t be to hung up on what is in style.
8. Do nice things that make your body feel good: give yourself a pedicure, take a bubble bath, hug the parts that bother you
and tell them you love them.
9. Hang around people that respect you and have good things to say about you.
10. Know that beauty comes from the inside out, and what makes you Shine is who you are, not what you look like.
