Something I was confronted with as a parent of a teen was them treating me like I was invincible. Their behavior sometimes came across like I wasn’t human.  I think as parents  we do this to ourselves by acting like we are super-human, and we do no wrong.  I could handle anything, the house needed moving, put it on my back, no problem.  I think our teens need to know they can come to us and we can help, but this doesn’t mean we know everything.  It could mean that if we don’t have the answers, we will get them.  I think it’s great that we develop safety with our kids and to do this they have to trust our abilities but not at the cost of putting a big divider between us.

Vulnerability creates deeper relationships!  When people including our kids see that we aren’t perfect and we are honest about our downfalls, they have compassion for us.  Compassion breeds closer relationships with people that care about us. This is especially important for our teens because they learn about honesty, compassion and relationship through their relationship with their parents first and then they use what they learn on their peers.

I remember being vulnerable with a friend of mine and crying, while asking for help and he said he had no idea that I would ever need help because I always acted so together and self-assured.  Now, confidence is great, don’t get me wrong but if the people around us think we don’t ever need them and we don’t have feelings, they will never share when they need us because they don’t want to appear weak.

The day I started admitting to my girls that I too was learning through my mistakes and that parenting wasn’t an exact science, they started treating me like I was human.  Go figure!  If you act sub-human, people are going to treat you sub-human. It’s a fine line with your teens, you don’t want to be a puddle of tears all the time, because then they will start treating you like your broken and they don’t want to break you further.

One way of being vulnerable with your teens is admitting when you are wrong.  When you are wrong, you know it and so do they, so admit it.  When you do this you will find a different relationship between you and your teen.  They will start admitting when they are wrong and then you will have the power to help them change things in themselves that aren’t serving them.  If no one admits their wrong, then there is no room for improvement.  That goes for you too parents.  I know it doesn’t feel natural to admit you’re wrong and you’re trying to improve yourself, but guess what…it helps your kids learn the basics about learning and evolving into a better person.

Try it on and let me know how it feels and mostly what your results are.  We are all growing, evolving human beings, no matter what are age.

I have a column I write for and I receive E-mail from parents and teens asking me questions to respond to and this was one I really thought needed attention.  Teen Sex is it Wrong or Right? A teenager is asking me this very important questions. Now if you’re a parent you might scream WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! If you’re the teen you might say it depends.

So first lets look at wrong and right. What does this mean, wrong being bad and right being good. Isn’t this what we think?  Does it have to be wrong or right, good or bad?  Can it just be a lesson learned?  Now parents don’t go all crazy on me with “some lesson- a pregnant daughter”, I get it. This is what we need to look at.  Not telling our kids not to have sex because it’s wrong or bad but allowing them the space to explore their options and then make a decision that makes sense for them. Usually if we allow them the space, they make good decisions.

We want our teens to ask themselves questions about the decisions they are making, and if their not, we should ask them questions.  If we ask them questions it teaches them how to make decisions for themselves, and teaches them to ask themselves questions. This girl that asked this question,   “Is Sex Wrong or Right”?  The questions you would ask her might be or the questions she should ask herself should be:

1) How do you feel about him?
2) Is he someone you see yourself with in the future?
3) Do you love him?
4) Does he love you?
5) Why would you have sex with him? This is a big one.
6) How do you think you would feel if you had sex with him and he talked about it to others?
7) How would you feel if you had sex with him and you broke up a couple of weeks later?
How do you think your next partner will feel if you have slept with other guys?
9) Is he someone that you trust?
10) Are you okay with multiple sexual partners
11) Are you okay with having a boyfriend who has had multiple partners?

All of these questions makes them think about what they are doing or contemplating doing. If you are a teen asking these questions of yourself, BE HONEST! Be real with yourself. If you are having sex with this guy because you want him to like you, that’s okay. Then you can deal with the real issue. If a teen has to answer these questions there is a good chance they will not have sex with their boyfriend.

What I want to stress more than anything is that these are the questions teens want to ask. They want to ask their parents, but because a lot of parents react so strongly to the questions, they stop asking. Promote them asking questions from you and of themselves. When we ask and answer questions of ourselves it helps us make better decisions.  So Parents, instead of getting stocked, relaxed and ask questions and let them figure things out.

Parents, let me know what you think of this, and teens too.

First I have to show you pictures of my new kitty, and tell you that I have been looking for another kitty for 8 years.  Yes, 8 years!  My last cat Phil was taken, we think by an owl, here in Sedona, and I haven’t been able to find a kitten that fills his shoes…until now.  His name is Milo Mouse.

Doesn’t he look like a Mouse? Seriously I have been looking at the Human Society for a kitty for 8 years, and just when the moments is right, Milo shows up.  I have 2 dogs Jack and Maggie, that are getting up there in age.

This is Jack, very photogenic, Maggie on the other hand will not let us take pictures of her, she is a beautiful Gorden Setter mix.  Anyway, Jack was at the Doctors the other day and gave us a scare, he’s alright but needless to say while I was in this scare,  I went to the Human Society and guess who was there, yes Milo Mouse.  I knew immediately he was coming home with me.

This little kitty has brought so much more life into our home, which is hard to do because we are a home of love and light to begin with, so I was shocked at how things shifted.  First of all,  he is a blast, and so much fun to have around, ask Jack. Jack is a 12-year-old Lab, and he has a new lease on life. Jack is acting like a puppy again, and Maggie too, she won’t tell us how much she loves Milo, we can just tell.

I share my story with you because I feel that animals are an important part of kids life, they learn so much from having them around. They learn caring, patience, kindness, loyalty, tolerance and most important love.  I have always had animals in my life and have learned so much about myself through them.  We learn from everyone and everything around us, don’t negate anything.

Scientists have discovered, animals have healing powers. When you stroke a cat or pet a dog, you experience a surge of healing hormones and chemicals that produce feelings of peace and serenity.

Let me know how your animals effect your life, and if you’re thinking about getting more.

How often do you look in your kids eyes and tell them you love them?  Looking back on my childhood, I don’t remember ever being told I was loved.  I was in a conversation with a friend and I we were talking about telling our kids that we love them and I told her that I didn’t remember ever being told.  We both admitted that it was so sad that first my parents obviously couldn’t express their love for me and second that I never heard it from them.

It’s so important to not just tell our kids we love them but for them to feel how much we love them. Oddly enough you would think that because I was never told, that I would do the same thing with my children. It was the opposite, I told them all the time, not just with my words, but with my heart.  I still do, and my girls are 33 and 34-years-old. I also express my love to my grandson, and he tells me he loves me too.

I want the people in my life to feel my love for them, and not just my immediate family.  I want my friends to know how much I love them as well.  This leads me to then look at my life and if I am living from my heart or living in a place of fear.  If I am not expressing my love for the people in my life, the question I ask myself is why?  There can be many reasons, one of the biggest being…I’m afraid they won’t receive my love and they won’t love me back.

So, lets look at that fear; what if they don’t receive, does that change my love for them? No! What if they don’t love me back, does that change my love for them? No!  Can I continue to give love unconditionally is really the question here. Can I love you if you don’t show love back? Of course I can, and I will as long as I don’t allow my fears to get in the way.  This is how I want to live my life, through my heart.  This means that I stand in an open heart even when the people in my life aren’t acting like they love me, and I say acting because I know they love me, they are just having a hard time walking through their fears to show me.

If I don’t allow my fears to get in the way of my loving openly, then it will make it easier for the people in my life to do the same.  If we are vulnerable and loving, it’s hard for others in our life to not be the same way.  So, go out and practice loving with your heart open and be okay with being a bit vulnerable. You will be amazed at the shifts in your relationships through this loving.  When I am loving like this, I feel full and happy and believe it or not my energy level is so much higher also. Try it and see how you feel and let me know what it’s like to live in your heart.

When I first starting mentoring Teens, I found it to be so rewarding because of the authentic energy teens bring to the table.  What I soon found out was that without mentoring the parents, the teens and I were in No Mans Land!

I am amazed at the speed in which things shift when I am working with both the teens and the parents. Especially when I am working with parents that are open to new ways of parenting.  In today’s world we have to look at parenting in a different way. Parenting in the 50′s is way different than parenting today.

When I am working with parents that are defending their position, instead of looking for new ways to connect to their teen, we spend our time on their position of defense, if you know what I mean.  It takes an brave and honest parent to admit they don’t know everything, and to be open to helping their teens acquire the tools they need to be independent and happy adults.

If we are looking for new ways to communicate and relate to our kids it doesn’t mean we don’t know how to parent.  It means we are always looking for ways to be a better parent. I constantly hear “my daughter has great self-esteem” or “my teen and I get along great” from parents.  My first thought is that’s wonderful, and my second thought is, so lets keep that ball rolling.  I also hear from parents that everything was going just great and Wham, things changed, like over night.

This may seem like it happened over night, but it didn’t, it was progressive.  In the beginning I said the reason I love mentoring teens is because of their authentic energy, they are real.  I’m not sure if parents just don’t realize what’s going on in the household or they are pretending it doesn’t exist.  Either way, it dilutes the ability to shift behaviors.  If we wait as parents until something goes wrong, it’s harder to find balance in the situation.  So, start early helping your teen learn how to love themselves so that they can make better decisions and so you can guide them through this with greater ease.

Take advantage of anything that will help you, help your teen.  You will be happy that you did.  Kick that pride away and get down to business.

Through out our lifetime we keep evolving with everything in our life actually.  Our health, financial issues, we run our companies differently, and we better be parenting differently.  If I look at how my parents raised me and how I raised my kids and how my kids are raising their kids, it’s quite a difference.

I pretty much raised myself, with little to no guidance.  When I had my two daughters I was more involved but was also giving them enough room to explore, maybe too much.  My daughter today is raising my grandson totally different.  She has more boundaries than I had although she is communicating more with her son and giving him choices, to allow him to learn to make decisions on his own.  As parents they participate far more than parents in the past.  It was always a rarity if parents were really involved in there kids life, when I was being raised.

What I realize is that in today’s times it‘s going to take a new approach to keep your kids connected to you.  It’s like we have to be involved but not too involved, no hovering! We have to  guide them without them knowing we are guiding them, leading them into making their own decisions, and making sure they are good ones.  We have a big job, I know if you are reading this, you are up for the task.

Every opportunity you get ask them about everything- smoking, drugs, sex, styles, suicide, integrity, schooling, friendships, I could go on and on. When you ask them, really listen to what they are saying, this will give you the insight into who they are.  Don’t judge what they are saying, just listen, you may be very surprised at what they start telling you about themselves without your judgments getting in their way.

Try it and let me know how it goes, it’s all about loving them unconditionally and letting them be and grow into the person they want to be, not how you see them or want them to be.

Before giving the quick tips for self-esteem, lets talk about what self-esteem is.  The Webster’s dictionary says;

Self-Esteem- The esteem or good opinion of oneself.

Now lets look at what esteem is;

Esteem- To set valve on, to regard with respect.

Wow, the opinion of oneself, not the opinion of others…beautiful!  Then to set valve on, again our value of our self. If we don’t value our self, we won’t treat our self with respect, therefore our opinion of our self will be low.  If our opinion is low, our self-respect will be low, and guess what our self-esteem will suffer.

If we have low self-esteem, we will make decisions from a place of lacking confidence.  If our self-esteem is high, we make better decisions for our self.  We want to value who we are, love who we are, and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem. So now that we know what self-esteem is and how important it is, we can implement these tips to strengthen these parts of our self that are critical to being the person we want to be.  So, here they are.

Quick Tips to Self-Esteem

1. Learn to like yourself, make sure that you have the qualities that the people you like have, like caring, honesty, supportive, positive, loyal and communicative.

2. Work on removing the things you dislike about yourself by changing your actions, attitudes or perceptions about those things.

3. Realize what makes you shine comes for the inside of you, not what you look like.

4. Make sure you are being good to yourself by taking care of yourself with positive self-talk, negative self-talk lowers your self-esteem and your light.

5. Practice doing good things for yourself by eating right, exercising, being creative, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress to a minimum.

6. Enjoy being you, you are the only you in the world.

7. Realize we play a big role in the world and we get to pick if we affect it negatively or positively.

So, go out into the world with yourself being the unique, powerful, wonderful being that you are knowing that you have complete control over your behavior and actions.

I Hope this helps, we all need a little boost to remember how to love our self.  Let me know some of the things you do to help yourself strengthen your self-esteem.

I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.

This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.

Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.

My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure – large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

–Mark

Hi Mark,

I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies.  Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc.  I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable.  If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight.  If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.

This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like.  We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are.  Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra

(Mark’s letter to the girl)

Dear Cheryl,

This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago.  I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful.  While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Mark

(Her response back to him)

Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter.  I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest.  That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me.  I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.
Cheryl

Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.

It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.

I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.

Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.

Every year I look back at the past year and take inventory on what I have created in my life.  Some of it I set out to create, other things just happened, or do they?  I know why the things I put my mind on get created, but am often curious about the things that just seem to happen.

This year while we sat with good friends to establish our hopes and desires for the year to come, I noticed a big difference in what I was trying to manifest in my life.  Of course I want to continue to work with teens and parents, make sure my book is still available to as many girls who need it, and work on projects like e-books, workshops and other material that will help people.  But what really changed was my deep desire to be more connected with myself and others, to be more open-hearted and to change the way I live in this world.

I want to slow down and be around the people I love and the people that make my heart sing more.  It is often difficult to do this when we are going and going, working and working, and come to the end of our day pooped!  So how can we live our life with more purpose?  Pay attention to what you are doing every day and if it’s not what is making you live in your heart, analyse it.  Then see how you might be able to shift it.  So, if I want certain things in my life, what is it going to take to get them?

I was just talking to my boyfriends Field Representative in his landscape business and she was amazed at the business that was coming in this week.  I work closely with them and we had a talk about bringing in more business last week. She had been working on a book of native flowers to have for clients, also a good tool.  But when she shifting her intentions to bringing in more business it was amazing how fast it started coming in. All she did was move her attention from the book to cultivating new business, and the universe got a clear picture of what she wanted and started putting things in place.

This is so important because what we put our energy or attention on starts gaining momentum.  It’s critical to first look at what you what in your life and then figure out the actions that are going to get you there. Then take those actions.  So if I want to create more connected relationship in my life, what do I need to do?  First I need to to look at which relationships I want to be more connected to, then call those people and put them in my schedule. If I don’t put them in my schedule, guess what, I continue to work and work, and the week ends and I haven’t spend quality time with my friends.  I schedule them just like I do appointments, even though you may think this is too business like, it works for me. Then we get together and so the connection begins. I talk to them about how often they would like to get together and if our relationship is important to them, of course they say yes, and we set up our next get together.

If I continue to to make sure I fit my friends in my schedule those relationships will blossom, because I am taking action to make sure that they do. This is easy stuff, whats important to you, how are you going to get it and then do it. So to come back to my first question “Do New Years Resolutions Work”? Not if there isn’t a follow up plan, just to state something doesn’t have the power unless you take the action to make it happen.

As far as the things that just happen, well the universe guides us in mysterious ways, doesn’t it? This is a good time to just roll with it, enjoy the ride and then look at what comes of it. Paying attention in life makes our life so much richer and helps us understand the meaning and purpose of our life.  Test it out and let me know what you think.

In our attempt to be connected with our kids, friends, co-workers or family, do cell phones disconnected us to the person right next to us?

How many times have you seen a group of people together  but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones.  Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?

Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.

How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens?  Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.

It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone.  Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with.  Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.

It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?

So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them.  Here are a few tips.

1)  Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2)  If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3)  Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4)  Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5)  Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6)  Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7)  No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents

Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.

If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them.  There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra