Before giving the quick tips for self-esteem, lets talk about what self-esteem is.  The Webster’s dictionary says;

Self-Esteem- The esteem or good opinion of oneself.

Now lets look at what esteem is;

Esteem- To set valve on, to regard with respect.

Wow, the opinion of oneself, not the opinion of others…beautiful!  Then to set valve on, again our value of our self. If we don’t value our self, we won’t treat our self with respect, therefore our opinion of our self will be low.  If our opinion is low, our self-respect will be low, and guess what our self-esteem will suffer.

If we have low self-esteem, we will make decisions from a place of lacking confidence.  If our self-esteem is high, we make better decisions for our self.  We want to value who we are, love who we are, and make good decisions for our self to reinforce our self worth, thereby strengthening our self-esteem. So now that we know what self-esteem is and how important it is, we can implement these tips to strengthen these parts of our self that are critical to being the person we want to be.  So, here they are.

Quick Tips to Self-Esteem

1. Learn to like yourself, make sure that you have the qualities that the people you like have, like caring, honesty, supportive, positive, loyal and communicative.

2. Work on removing the things you dislike about yourself by changing your actions, attitudes or perceptions about those things.

3. Realize what makes you shine comes for the inside of you, not what you look like.

4. Make sure you are being good to yourself by taking care of yourself with positive self-talk, negative self-talk lowers your self-esteem and your light.

5. Practice doing good things for yourself by eating right, exercising, being creative, getting enough sleep, and keeping stress to a minimum.

6. Enjoy being you, you are the only you in the world.

7. Realize we play a big role in the world and we get to pick if we affect it negatively or positively.

So, go out into the world with yourself being the unique, powerful, wonderful being that you are knowing that you have complete control over your behavior and actions.

I Hope this helps, we all need a little boost to remember how to love our self.  Let me know some of the things you do to help yourself strengthen your self-esteem.

I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.

This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.

Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.

My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

–Mark

Hi Mark,

I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies.  Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc.  I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable.  If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight.  If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.

This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like.  We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are.  Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra

(Mark’s letter to the girl)

Dear Cheryl,

This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago.  I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful.  While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Mark

(Her response back to him)

Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter.  I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest.  That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me.  I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.
Cheryl

Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.

It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.

I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.

Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.

Every year I look back at the past year and take inventory on what I have created in my life.  Some of it I set out to create, other things just happened, or do they?  I know why the things I put my mind on get created, but am often curious about the things that just seem to happen.

This year while we sat with good friends to establish our hopes and desires for the year to come, I noticed a big difference in what I was trying to manifest in my life.  Of course I want to continue to work with teens and parents, make sure my book is still available to as many girls who need it, and work on projects like e-books, workshops and other material that will help people.  But what really changed was my deep desire to be more connected with myself and others, to be more open-hearted and to change the way I live in this world.

I want to slow down and be around the people I love and the people that make my heart sing more.  It is often difficult to do this when we are going and going, working and working, and come to the end of our day pooped!  So how can we live our life with more purpose?  Pay attention to what you are doing every day and if it’s not what is making you live in your heart, analyse it.  Then see how you might be able to shift it.  So, if I want certain things in my life, what is it going to take to get them?

I was just talking to my boyfriends Field Representative in his landscape business and she was amazed at the business that was coming in this week.  I work closely with them and we had a talk about bringing in more business last week. She had been working on a book of native flowers to have for clients, also a good tool.  But when she shifting her intentions to bringing in more business it was amazing how fast it started coming in. All she did was move her attention from the book to cultivating new business, and the universe got a clear picture of what she wanted and started putting things in place.

This is so important because what we put our energy or attention on starts gaining momentum.  It’s critical to first look at what you what in your life and then figure out the actions that are going to get you there. Then take those actions.  So if I want to create more connected relationship in my life, what do I need to do?  First I need to to look at which relationships I want to be more connected to, then call those people and put them in my schedule. If I don’t put them in my schedule, guess what, I continue to work and work, and the week ends and I haven’t spend quality time with my friends.  I schedule them just like I do appointments, even though you may think this is too business like, it works for me. Then we get together and so the connection begins. I talk to them about how often they would like to get together and if our relationship is important to them, of course they say yes, and we set up our next get together.

If I continue to to make sure I fit my friends in my schedule those relationships will blossom, because I am taking action to make sure that they do. This is easy stuff, whats important to you, how are you going to get it and then do it. So to come back to my first question “Do New Years Resolutions Work”? Not if there isn’t a follow up plan, just to state something doesn’t have the power unless you take the action to make it happen.

As far as the things that just happen, well the universe guides us in mysterious ways, doesn’t it? This is a good time to just roll with it, enjoy the ride and then look at what comes of it. Paying attention in life makes our life so much richer and helps us understand the meaning and purpose of our life.  Test it out and let me know what you think.

In our attempt to be connected with our kids, friends, co-workers or family, do cell phones disconnected us to the person right next to us?

How many times have you seen a group of people together  but not really together because they are all on their cell phones talking to someone else. Look around you and check out how many people are talking on their cell phones.  Everyone has a cell phone and every parent thinks their teen should have one. How did we get by without them?

Cell phones are great for emergencies, work and contacted people to get together. Where I think cell phones are destructive is when we are constantly on them just visiting, when we should be face-to-face visiting instead. How personal is it to be visiting with someone on the phone, and how personal is it to be with someone, talking on the phone with someone else.

How is this affecting our social skills and how is affecting our relationship with our teens?  Our communication shows up differently when we are texting, e-mailing or talking on the phone. We aren’t as present as we are when we are face-to-face.

It is affecting our relationship with ours teens because we can’t be present with them because either they are on the phone or we are answering our phone.  Right in the middle of a conversation, someones phone rings and takes us away from who we are with.  Besides it is extremely rude, it makes having a close relationship with someone impossible.

It is also affecting relationships between our teens and their friends. It’s hard to have a close relationship with someone who isn’t present with you. If they are on the phone when they are with you, how do you feel?

So, it’s safe to say that we aren’t going to throw away our cell phones. Maybe we can just have some boundaries around them.  Here are a few tips.

1)  Spend quality time with your teens without your cell phones
2)  If your cell phone rings while your teen is talking to you, ignore it
3)  Encourage your teens to spend more time face-to-face with their friends
4)  Leave your cell phone at home when you go out as a family
5)  Talk to your teens about the social deadness that cell phones have on us
6)  Set boundaries on time allowed talking on the cell phones to friends
7)  No cell phones at the dinner table, including parents

Get back to the basics of parenting, communicating, sharing and loving being with your kids, they won’t be around forever.

If I don’t talk to you before Thanksgiving, have a wonderful day with your friends and family and be grateful that you have them.  There are people in the world who will be all alone, with no one to break bread with.
With love and gratitude,
Debra

I was talking with a parent yesterday and we were discussing her concerns with bullying, and how prevalent it is with teens today.  So, this morning I thought that I would write about it.  In the mean time I was looking through my information on bullying and I found this article about Bullying Being A Big Problem by Kids Health and I am excited to see how thorough the information is.

Every time I facilitate a workshop, no matter what the topic is, I always talk to girls about how they treat each other. What’s it is like to be bullied, and what makes a girl be a bully.

I was bullied as a teen for many years, and the despair I would feel every morning before going to school was deep.  The anxiety that I felt daily was unbearable.  When I became a parent of teens myself, I was looking at my behavior to make sure that I wasn’t teaching my girls to be bullies.

As parents we need to look at our actions to see if we are creating bullies.  Every teen has insecurities that can show up in different ways.  It can show up as being very shy or so insecure that they bully. Working on self esteem helps both side of being bullied and being a bully. It’s up to us as parents to see where our teens fall in that spectrum.

Enjoy this article, it is packed full of great information.

Bullying Is a Big Problem

Every day thousands of teens wake up afraid to go to school. Bullying is a problem that affects millions of students, and it has everyone worried, not just the kids on its receiving end. Yet because parents, teachers, and other adults don’t always see it, they may not understand how extreme bullying can get.

Bullying is when a person is picked on over and over again by an individual or group with more power, either in terms of physical strength or social standing.

Two of the main reasons people are bullied are because of appearance and social status. Bullies pick on the people they think don’t fit in, maybe because of how they look, how they act (for example, kids who are shy and withdrawn), their race or religion, or because the bullies think their target may be gay or lesbian.

Some bullies attack their targets physically, which can mean anything from shoving or tripping to punching or hitting, or even sexual assault. Others use psychological control or verbal insults to put themselves in charge. For example, people in popular groups or cliques often bully people they categorize as different by excluding them or gossiping about them (psychological bullying). They may also taunt or tease their targets (verbal bullying).

Verbal bullying can also involve sending cruel instant or email messages or even posting insults about a person on a website - practices that are known as cyberbullying.

How Does Bullying Make People Feel?

One of the most painful aspects of bullying is that it is relentless. Most people can take one episode of teasing or name calling or being shunned at the mall. However, when it goes on and on, bullying can put a person in a state of constant fear.

Guys and girls who are bullied may find their schoolwork and health suffering. Amber began having stomach pains and diarrhea and was diagnosed with a digestive condition called irritable bowel syndrome as a result of the stress that came from being bullied throughout ninth grade. Mafooz spent his afternoons hungry and unable to concentrate in class because he was too afraid to go to the school cafeteria at lunchtime.

Studies show that people who are abused by their peers are at risk for mental health problems, such as low self-esteem, stress, depression, or anxiety. They may also think about suicide more.

Bullies are at risk for problems, too. Bullying is violence, and it often leads to more violent behavior as the bully grows up. It’s estimated that 1 out of 4 elementary-school bullies will have a criminal record by the time they are 30. Some teen bullies end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.

Who Bullies?

Both guys and girls can be bullies. Bullies may be outgoing and aggressive. Or a bully can appear reserved on the surface, but may try to manipulate people in subtle, deceptive ways, like anonymously starting a damaging rumor just to see what happens.

Many bullies share some common characteristics. They like to dominate others and are generally focused on themselves. They often have poor social skills and poor social judgment. Sometimes they have no feelings of empathy or caring toward other people.

Although most bullies think they’re hot stuff and have the right to push people around, others are actually insecure. They put other people down to make themselves feel more interesting or powerful. And some bullies act the way they do because they’ve been hurt by bullies in the past - maybe even a bullying figure in their own family, like a parent or other adult.

Some bullies actually have personality disorders that don’t allow them to understand normal social emotions like guilt, empathy, compassion, or remorse. These people need help from a mental health professional like a psychiatrist or psychologist.

What Can You Do?

For younger kids, the best way to solve a bullying problem is to tell a trusted adult. For teens, though, the tell-an-adult approach depends on the bullying situation.

One situation in which it is vital to report bullying is if it threatens to lead to physical danger and harm. Numerous high-school students have died when stalking, threats, and attacks went unreported and the silence gave the bully license to become more and more violent.

Sometimes the victim of repeated bullying cannot control the need for revenge and the situation becomes dangerous for everyone.

Adults in positions of authority - parents, teachers, or coaches - can often find ways to resolve dangerous bullying problems without the bully ever learning how they found out about it.

If you’re in a bullying situation that you think may escalate into physical violence, try to avoid being alone (and if you have a friend in this situation, spend as much time as you can together). Try to remain part of a group by walking home at the same time as other people or by sticking close to friends or classmates during the times that the bullying takes place.

Bullying Survival Tips

Here are some things you can do to combat psychological and verbal bullying. They’re also good tips to share with a friend as a way to show your support:

• Ignore the bully and walk away. It’s definitely not a coward’s response - sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and if you walk away, or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, you’re telling the bully that you just don’t care. Sooner or later the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you. Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you’re not vulnerable.
• Hold the anger. Who doesn’t want to get really upset with a bully? But that’s exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions. If you’re in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can’t walk away with poise, use humor - it can throw the bully off guard. Work out your anger in another way, such as through exercise or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger).
• Don’t get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don’t use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you showing your anger, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions. Some adults believe that bullying is a part of growing up (even that it is character building) and that hitting back is the only way to tackle the problem. But that’s not the case. Aggressive responses tend to lead to more violence and more bullying for the victims.
• Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior. Practice feeling good about yourself (even if you have to fake it at first).
• Take charge of your life. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can stay true to yourself. Think about ways to feel your best - and your strongest - so that other kids may give up the teasing. Exercise is one way to feel strong and powerful. (It’s a great mood lifter, too!) Learn a martial art or take a class like yoga. Another way to gain confidence is to hone your skills in something like chess, art, music, computers, or writing. Joining a class, club, or gym is a great way to make new friends and feel great about yourself. The confidence you gain will help you ignore the mean kids.
• Talk about it. It may help to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give you the support you need. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when you’re being bullied.

Find your (true) friends. If you’ve been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Find one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt your feelings. Set the record straight by telling your friends quietly and confidently what’s true and not true about you. Hearing a friend say, “I know the rumor’s not true. I didn’t pay attention to it,” can help you realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is - petty, rude, and immature.

What if You’re the Big Bully

All of us have to deal with a lot of difficult situations and emotions. For some people, when they’re feeling stressed, angry, or frustrated, picking on someone else can be a quick escape - it takes the attention away from them and their problems. Some bullies learn from firsthand experience. Perhaps name-calling, putdowns, or physical force are the norms in their families. Whatever the reason, though, it’s no excuse for being the bully.

If you find it hard to resist the temptation to bully, you might want to talk with someone you look up to. Try to think about how others feel when you tease or hurt them. If you have trouble figuring this out (many people who bully do), you might ask someone else to help you think of the other person’s side.

Bullying behavior backfires and makes everyone feel miserable - even the bullies. People might feel intimidated by bullies, but they don’t respect them. If you would rather that people see your strength and character - even look up to you as a leader - find a way to use your power for something positive rather than to put others down.

Do you really want people to think of you as unkind, abusive, and mean? It’s never too late to change, although changing a pattern of bullying might seem difficult at first. Ask an adult you respect for some mentoring or coaching on how you could change.

Steps To Stop Bullying in School

If the environment at your school supports bullying, working to change it can help. For example, there may be areas where bullies harass people, such as in stairwells or courtyards that are unobserved by staff. Because a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers (the bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all), enlisting the help of friends or a group is a good way to change the culture and stand up to bullies.

You can try to talk to the bully. If you don’t feel comfortable in a face-to-face discussion, leave a note in the bully’s locker. Try to point out that his or her behavior is serious and harmful. This can work well in group situations, such as if you notice that a member of your group has started to pick on or shun another member.

Most people hesitate to speak out because it can be hard. It takes confidence to stand up to a bully - especially if he or she is one of the established group leaders. But chances are the other students witnessing the bullying behavior feel as uncomfortable as you do. They may just not be speaking up. Perhaps they feel that they’re not popular enough to take a stand or worry that they’re vulnerable and the bully will turn on them. Staying quiet (even though they don’t like the bully’s behavior) is a way to distance themselves from the person who is the target.

When a group of people keeps quiet like this, the bully’s reach is extending beyond just one person. He or she is managing to intimidate lots of people. But when one person speaks out against a bully, the reverse happens. It gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.

Another way to combat bullying is to join your school’s anti-violence program or, if your school doesn’t have one, to start one of your own.

I am preparing for a Girls Intentions Workshop  October 17th and it really has me thinking about everything involved in Our Intentions. Our intentions are not just what we intend to do now or in the future.  I think that most people think of intentions as a part of manifesting what we want. This is an important part but not the only part.

I think our intentions first must start with our actions, and holding ourselves accountable.  If we set an intention to be able to manifest something we want in our lives; a connection with our teen, money, or a different career, it is ultimately our actions that create our reality.  Just setting an intention and not taking any action at all, may not create what we want.  If we look at our life, it is mostly a culmination of our thoughts and actions.

Our thoughts are important because it is tough to create what we want if we are stuck in a negative place.  If we aren’t enjoying the creation of what we are trying to bring into our lives it will prevent us from exploring all the amazing areas of this creations. When we are in a good place in ourselves we tend to be more creative and things just flow better for us .

So first to set an intention, and then really look at what needs to be done to bring that intention into our life.  If I want to change my career and become a Doctor,  I’m pretty sure that just by me writing it down on a piece of paper and hoping, isn’t going to have me at the hospital healing people anytime soon.  The action to go back to school is needed.

It is the same with our relationships with our teenagers.  We can hope and wish all day long that we have a better relationship with our teen, but until we start looking at our actions and how they affect the relationship, it won’t change.  If our intentions are one thing and our actions don’t step up to the plate, our intention may not come to fruition.

So, the first thing I will help the teen girls understand is that our actions are a direct results of our reality.  If our life looks a certain way, we need to look at what actions we have been taking in our life. Then we will talk about our attitudes and how our negative behaviors may be hindering the outcome of what we want to bring in.  Then and only then setting the intention to bring it in, knowing that we are going to bring the power into it physically and mentally through our action.

Then we will cement our intentions through creating a Vision Board.  It is a powerful workshop that is very impactful with not only teens but with anyone working on shifting their life.

Let me know what your feelings are around this and if you have experienced this is the past.

I found this great article by Alice Englin, Partners in Prevention. The following article was taken from the Shoulder to Shoulder Minnesota parenting booklet, which can be found in English and in Spanish at www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org.

Who are your teenagers hanging out with?

These articles on parenting are all part of an effort to protect our teens from the dangers of alcohol, tobacco and other drug use. There is not one magic way to make sure they always make good choices, but through effective parenting we are much more likely to help them make the good choices in tough situations.

Please visit this Web site for more information.

Get to know parents.

• Make a point to invite parents in for coffee and a chance to chat when they bring their teen to visit our homes. If you’re the driver, stick your head in the door and introduce yourself to the parents of your teens’ friends.

• Know the address and phone numbers of your teens’ friends. Keep this information in a handy place to make quick phone calls to check teens’ plans.

Get to know teens’ friends

• Introduce yourself to your teen’s friends — let them know your name and learn theirs as well.

• Take interest in them. We’re not going to get juicy information, but know the basics: Where do you go to school? Do you have brothers and sisters? Do you play sports? What do you enjoy doing outside of school?

• Help teens’ friends know the rules in your house. Whether it’s leaving shoes at the door or clearing the dishes from the table after you eat, find a way to clearly and politely communicate your expectations.

Concerned about a particular friend?

• Sometimes teens like to “try out” new friends who are very different from them. If you’re concerned there isn’t enough supervision or that the home of a friend is unsafe, invite the friend to your home.

Questions to ask when your teen goes to another family’s home

• Will there be an adult at home?

• Will the adult be nearby the teens?

• What does the parent know about their teens’ plans?

• Will they be going anywhere? If so, how will they get there? (Do you want an adult to drive or are you OK with the 16-year-old sister driving?)

• What time should I pick up my teen?

• How many teens are coming over? (Is this a raging party or just a few friends?)

• Will they be having a meal with you?

• What are your rules about media ratings and what kids are allowed to watch?

• Do you have alcohol in the house?

• What are your rules about use?

• Does anyone smoke in the house?

• What are your rules about smoking?

• Do you have guns in the home?

• Are they locked away with trigger locks?

Alice Englin is the director of the Freeborn County Partners in Prevention, working to reduce substance use and abuse among youth in Freeborn County.

Good points, aren’t they? I hope you liked it.  These are just a few simple things parents can do to stay connected to their teen.

teens-in-a-group

I have always been a big fan of having the kids at my house, so I can get to know them and their parents. I was always so surprised at how many parents wouldn’t have the desire to come in and meet me.  Get to know your friends parents.

I remember one of my youngest daughters, friends mother was using drugs herself.  It was a tough one for me because I didn’t want to exclude the friend, because she needed friends, but I had to set good boundaries like: your not allowed over her house, if you want to hang out, you do it at our house, no exceptions.

It’s okay to have rules and boundaries with your teens and your teens friends.  The more open you are with your expectations, the easier it will be for them to understand and follow them.

I think getting to know the parents is very important because you have a better change of guiding your teen when you have your teens friends parenting guiding the same way. It makes it easier to keep track of your teens when there is 2 families looking out for their well-being.  So, know their friends and know their parents, and of course know your own teen.

Happy Parenting, and let me know what you think.

It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen.  I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea  to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.

Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents.  Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host.  I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well.  My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter.  For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.

Parenting Q & A

• Q: Why is my teen not talking to me?  A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with.  Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open.  Let them know that you are here for them and love them.  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
• Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
• Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not.  So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
• Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you.  Watch what you say about your own body.  Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.

In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other.  Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are.  If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply.  Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.

If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!

Integrity is having an uprightness of character or action. It implies trustworthiness.

We know our code of honor; we know when we show a lack of integrity–in other words, when we are not trustworthy.

Do we like people who don’t have Integrity? When our friends lie to us, do we think it is okay?  This seems like a very basic quality we should learn when we are younger, but somehow it misses the boat.

It is very important to develop integrity within oneself. When we lie, cheat, steal or deceive, we hurt ourselves. We damage our self esteem. We never want to do something that makes us view our self as someone without integrity.  How can we like people who lack integrity? You, yourself, don’t like those kinds of people, so make sure that you aren’t one.  Everything always comes down to liking yourself, so you can love yourself, so you can have confidence and be happy.

People treat us differently when they can not trust us.  They don’t open up to us, therefore we prevent close relationships from happening in our lives.  People are afraid of sharing personal information with us, so this only allows a very shallow friendship.

It is so much nicer to be able to have close relationships that we can share our dreams, our upsets and our fears with, knowing that they will honor us, by keeping that information to themselves and not sharing or gossiping with others about it.

If we want friendship with people that have integrity, we have to have integrity, that is just the way the world works.  If you lie to your friends, they will never believe your words, again it will be impossible to trust you, therefore limiting your
relationship.

If we are doing things that hurt other people, and yes lying, cheating, and being dishonest indeed hurts others, and guess what, it hurts us too.  When we are people we don’t like, it damages our self esteem.  We become people we don’t like and if we are people we don’t like, our sense of self suffers.

When we have low self esteem, we tend to make everyday decisions in our life through that space instead of a confident place.  Can you see how that could affect our life?  Because the decisions we make, create the life we live.  So, if we are out there making bad decisions, how do you think our life will look?  Take a moment and think about it.

It’s safe to say that having Integrity is important, it is a part of who you are.  So, in looking at who you are or who you want to be, think about: do you have integrity?

Have you ever been in an argument with your teen, and when it was over, you felt completely beaten down? You may have felt weak, tired or anxious. You might even have had physical symptoms of pain, such as a stomachache.

At times like this, the conversation seems more like a boxing match. After only three rounds, you feel like you’re about to drop. Then comes round four.  Your teen says, “Come on, Mom, you’re so old fashioned.”  At round five it’s: “Everyone else is going.” Then comes round six: “Angie’s mom is so cool. Why can’t you be like her?” followed by round seven: “I hate you! I can’t wait to get out of here!” That’s the knockout punch. The conversation is over.

How do you stop an argument with your teen from spinning out of control? No matter what the issue, it seems that you wind up in the same place, over and over.  It’s a no-win scenario, leaving both parties near death. No one feels good when the battle is over, even if one party gets his or her way.

I believe there are two points of view that will solve this dilemma. First, both parties have a right to their opinion, and second, both parties have a right to have boundaries. If both of these issues are honored, then the discussion will play out quite differently.

Let’s take a closer look at the first point: both parties have a right to their opinion. This perspective requires stepping into the other person’s reality and taking a look at the situation from their point of view before reacting. It is trying to develop compassion by understanding what the other person is going through. Stepping into their teenager’s shoes is particularly hard for parents to do because they feel that they know better. And maybe they do. But teens learn from their own experiences, not from what their parents have learned.

This does not mean that teens should be allowed to do whatever they want. It means that they should be allowed to express themselves and to explore the options.

A good strategy for you as a parent is to ask your teen a lot of questions about the issue, request or situation. It helps to understand why your teen is wanting what he or she wants. Then the two of you can look at the pros and cons of the choices. What this approach does is to turn a potential argument into a discussion.

If a battle breaks out anyway and you find yourself in what I call a “spinning class”—going nowhere fast—and your teen is throwing one punch after another, it’s time to move into “setting boundaries.” It’s time to stop engaging. Set a boundary and do not discuss the topic anymore.  Change the subject, ignore the comments and walk away.

It’s hard to simply walk away when someone is yelling mean things at you. But if there is no one to engage in an argument, the battle stops. First, you must be calm. Then set the boundary. You might say, “I am not going to discuss this with you anymore. This is what it is, and the discussion is over.” Then do not discuss it anymore, do not justify your position. When you get into explaining your decision, you open it back up for discussion. Parents tend to want to justify themselves because they don’t want to feel bad about their teen not liking them.  You have to be okay with your teen not always liking you.

So first put yourselves in your teen’s shoes to truly understand his or her point of view and so that your teen will feel heard. If the conversation still goes sour, set a boundary.  Your teen will more willingly adhere to your rules after feeling heard.  Although your relationship with your teen might get worse before it gets better, eventually it will shift.  And when it does, it will be a win-win situation.  You just have to be the first one to get out of the rink.

Let me know how this works for you, I have had a lot of success with it in my mentoring.