I received an E-mail from a 17-year-old teen the other day and it was such a classic case of how important it is for girls to have self-esteem, that I really wanted to share it with you. Girls are bombarded with images of how bodies are supposed to look everywhere they turn, including from the guys they talk to.

This seems like such a small incident, but it’s very big and real for girls. Hopefully this will help you with situations coming up with your daughters and more importantly your sons. We can work on helping our girls have self-esteem, but the other side to this is teaching our sons to have respect for girls and what this looks like.

Here is the letter first from Mark, then my response, and his apology and her response. I was very impressed with him taking a look at his behavior and then doing the right thing. See what you think.

My name is Mark and I’m 17 years old.  I discovered your website and thought you might have some good insight on an experience I had involving a girl’s image of her body. She was a girl I had just met at a dance a few weeks ago.  We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill.  I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only made things worse when I used the term “healthy”. With a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

She had a classic hourglass figure - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted “hourglass” as meaning big/overweight/full figured. Why can’t girls embrace their curves?

–Mark

Hi Mark,

I can see where your confusion comes in with girls and thier bodies.  Unfortunately girls are comparing themselves to girls in the media, the girls on TV, magazines, and models etc.  I’m not saying this is a good thing, it’s just the way it is.What girls want to know is that you like them the way they are. Next time when you are complimenting girl, stay away from descriptions of the body. You can say “You look great” “I like the way you look”. Just the mere description of the body brings attention to how the body is supposed to look. Even if you are commenting on a part of the body you like, it makes girls feel uncomfortable.  If you had been dating her awhile and she made a comment on being overweight, and you were to say “I like your hourglass figure”, it’s saying she isn’t thin and in her mind it’s just another word for overweight.  If you were to say “I like your body just the way it is and I don’t think you’re overweight”. It is more reassuring.

This is the very reason I work with girls on loving themselves from the inside out, because what really matters is who we are on the inside, not what our bodies look like.  We need good guys in our lives letting us know that we are perfect just the way we are.  Thank you for your comment, I think a lot of guys feel the same confusion as you did. Thanks again, Debra

(Mark’s letter to the girl)

Dear Cheryl,

This is Mark. We met a few weeks ago.  I genuinely meant to compliment you, but in so doing used a poor choice of words that deeply offended you. I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you. You are a really intelligent girl and I have great respect for you. You are also very beautiful.  While I meant to compliment you, it was inappropriate for me to comment on your physical appearance after meeting you for the first time.

I hope you choose to accept my apology, but if not, I sincerely wish you the best in life and I am still grateful for having met you.

Mark

(Her response back to him)

Mark. Gosh, I have such mixed emotions on this. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first and that’s why I was so disappointed when you started commenting on my body and taking the conversation into the gutter.  I had some weight issues when I was younger, so maybe I’m overly sensitive of any comments that hint at being over-weight.  Also, because I’m very curvy, I’ve too often had to deal with boys who look at me primarily in a sexual/physical way. Therefore your comments, as well intentioned as they may have been, were really insulting. It also didn’t help that you kept staring at my chest.  That is something I’m very self-conscious about.

P.S. Regarding the slap across the face….well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy who was being disrespectful to me.  I will say that you conducted yourself as a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most boys would be more consumed with their own pride and resentful of the girl who slapped them.
Cheryl

Mark wrote me one last response expressing his thanks and that he felt like he had grown up a lot through the whole experience. He shared the story with his father and his father shared a story with him about when he got slapped by a girl and his learning from it. The entire situation was such a great learning for Mark.

It is our job as parents to talk to our daughters about self-esteem and how not to buy into the media, and as importantly to talk to our sons about what respecting girls actually looks like. Mark had no idea he was being disrespectful by talking about her body. He didn’t even realize he was staring at her chest.

I shared this exchange with you because I am always talking on the side of the girls and this gave me the opportunity to explore what it is like to be on the side of the guys. It actually makes me want to reach out more to them because I know ultimately it will help the young girls I am reaching now.

Let me know if you have had any situations that have helped your young teens learn about themselves in a whole new way.

This is such an important subject to be exploring as a teen or as a parent for your tween’s entering into puberty.  I started blogging on this and doing my research to make sure I was giving you information that was thorough.  I came across this article on Natural Living for Women that was so comprehensive that I decided to forward it.  I have been using natural tampons for 12 years after my daughters informed me of the harmful affects the non-organic ones.

If you are a Mom that is still using tampons or you have teens that are using them, please read this blog and decide for yourself.  Here it is…

Don’t you think organic tampons make sense for something that comes into contact with delicate tissues of our body on a regular basis?It has been estimated that we can use as much as 9,000 tampons in our lifetimes.  I thought this was an exageration but do the math.  As an example, 4 tampons  for 6 days, 12 months a year for 30 years is 8,640. That’s a lot of tampons.

So What’s The Problem With Tampons?

Most tampons are made from a cotton or rayon-cotton blend. Rayon is a synthetic fiber that is made from wood pulp.  It is highly absorbent and it does it’s job well in our tampons.  Cotton while a so called natural fiber may have been bio-engineered and grown with a mess of pesticides, fertilizers and fungicides. . (See organic cotton.) Both of these fibers undergo a bleaching process before being made into tampons and even though this process has been improved to try and eliminate dioxins, trace levels are still being found.

Dioxins

Dioxins are an environmental pollutant and known carcinogenic by product of bleaching and manufacturing processes.  It is now being found in our soil, air and water.  According to the FDA, this may explain how rayon and cotton may always contain some dioxin. Some groups think even the improved bleaching techniques may contribute to some of the dioxins.The FDA says that levels of dioxin are so low, it is not cause for concern. But some doctor’s and other groups are not so sure and are concerned about the cumulative effects of even tiny amounts of dioxins coming in to contact month after month with a very delicate part of our body. No one knows for sure.

According to the National Research Center for Women and Families, dioxin was found in several brands of tampons and at least one 100% cotton brand.  Companies are required to test and report dioxin levels to the FDA.

Sometimes I feel like we’re in a bit of a chemical soup. Fortunately, if we make better choices we can eliminate some of the harmful chemicals that have become so much a part of our everyday lives.  We can purchase organic tampons or pads that are 100% certified organic cotton, do not contain any synthetic materials such as rayon or chemical additives like fragrances and either no bleaching or non-chlorine bleaching such as hydrogen peroxide.Hydrogen peroxide has not been found to create dioxins.  The elimination of chlorine bleaching to treat fibers and all the chemicals needed to grow conventional cotton helps improve things for both us and the environment.

My Choice For Organic Tampons.

I have used tampon products for years and did not make the switch to organic tampons until a few years ago. I had to experiment with a few brands until I found one I could be happy with. I believe the absence of rayon and it’s high absorbency has been a problem.

The most effective brand I have found is made by Natracare.  Natracare can be purchased at most health food stores and quite a few online sources but check out their website, you’ll find quite a bit of interesting information about this and other forms of safe feminine protection.

My purchase of organic tampons is part of my plan for removing as many unnecessary chemicals as I can from my life for myself, family and the environment. Let’s see 8,640 organic tampons per woman, not bad.

I too have been using Natracare brand for many years and like it a lot. Do your research and pick what product you like the best, this is only my preference.  I do know that from what I have researched, organic tampons are far better for us than non-organic. I just felt like it was important to bring this information to you. Let me know what you think.

One day a year we sit with our family and friends and express how thankful we are.  Doesn’t this seem a bit absurd that once a year we do this because of the tradition?  When I bring gratitude into my daily life, it seems to feel better on all levels.  Yes, Thanksgiving is a great time to be with family and friends and bring gratitude to the forefront of our lives, but why not everyday.

Here are Ten Tips to helping yourself and your teens be grateful:

1)  Talk to your teens about the less fortunate
2)  At dinner, have everyone express one thing they are grateful for, everyday
3)  Don’t give your teens everything they want
4)  Make your teens work for some of their things
5)  Teach them about being a team and helping around the house, for nothing in return
6)  When they say thank you, tell them how much you appreciate their gratitude
7)  When doing menial jobs, look at the silver lining in it and what you have to be grateful around it
8)  Set an example by showing gratitude
9)  When your teen shows sigh of entitlement, have a conversation around it
10) Live in the moment and realize that everything is a lesson to be learned

I hope these tips help you feel more grateful and you help your teens be more grateful.  And on that note I want to thank everyone for tuning into my blog and giving such great feed back. Don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter for more fun stuff.

I am preparing for a Girls Intentions Workshop  October 17th and it really has me thinking about everything involved in Our Intentions. Our intentions are not just what we intend to do now or in the future.  I think that most people think of intentions as a part of manifesting what we want. This is an important part but not the only part.

I think our intentions first must start with our actions, and holding ourselves accountable.  If we set an intention to be able to manifest something we want in our lives; a connection with our teen, money, or a different career, it is ultimately our actions that create our reality.  Just setting an intention and not taking any action at all, may not create what we want.  If we look at our life, it is mostly a culmination of our thoughts and actions.

Our thoughts are important because it is tough to create what we want if we are stuck in a negative place.  If we aren’t enjoying the creation of what we are trying to bring into our lives it will prevent us from exploring all the amazing areas of this creations. When we are in a good place in ourselves we tend to be more creative and things just flow better for us .

So first to set an intention, and then really look at what needs to be done to bring that intention into our life.  If I want to change my career and become a Doctor,  I’m pretty sure that just by me writing it down on a piece of paper and hoping, isn’t going to have me at the hospital healing people anytime soon.  The action to go back to school is needed.

It is the same with our relationships with our teenagers.  We can hope and wish all day long that we have a better relationship with our teen, but until we start looking at our actions and how they affect the relationship, it won’t change.  If our intentions are one thing and our actions don’t step up to the plate, our intention may not come to fruition.

So, the first thing I will help the teen girls understand is that our actions are a direct results of our reality.  If our life looks a certain way, we need to look at what actions we have been taking in our life. Then we will talk about our attitudes and how our negative behaviors may be hindering the outcome of what we want to bring in.  Then and only then setting the intention to bring it in, knowing that we are going to bring the power into it physically and mentally through our action.

Then we will cement our intentions through creating a Vision Board.  It is a powerful workshop that is very impactful with not only teens but with anyone working on shifting their life.

Let me know what your feelings are around this and if you have experienced this is the past.

I’m always finding great information on the Web and here is something I found from another great parenting site The Blog of P.U.R.E. by Sue Scheff.  We are all working together to give parents and teens the tools they need to live a healthier happier life.

The site is BodiMojo, a site that promotes Health/Nutrition/Fitness for teens. Developed by teens themselves and experts. BodiMojo believes the future of health resides within our ability to provide behavioral motivation and incentives in an increasingly mobile and consumer-oriented world.

Health can be fun, and it can be habit forming.

Teens told us what they want and we listened.  Watch us play: BodiMojo will include music, interactive tools, games, videos, community building, contest, original content, social networking modules, and customized user pages for teens.  And plug us in-BodiMojo will also offer users new technology for fitness tracking and mobile motivation.

The BodiMojo philosophy is simple: Health can be cool

Nutritional experts, health professionals, and fitness gurus - along with our teens participants - will develop articles, information, graphics, videos, newsletters, interactive features and more.

The current site provides information and updates on the development of the full BodiMojo Web site as well as receive original content submissions form teens.  Keep an eye on BodiMojo and our upcoming Virtual User’s Group, Blog, Contests and News.  BodiMojo will launch in 2009.

…a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

BodiMojo will also be partnering with game developers, musicians, technologists, producers, athletes, writers, artists and business people interested in participating in BodiMojo’s mission. Contact us at partners@bodimojo.com.

Let me know what you think of the site, I thinks it’s going to be a great way for teens to be fit and healthy.

After writing my blog on Friday about the Random Acts of Kindness, this website called We The World, A United World posted my blog on the Clothing exchange. That was a nice surprise but more importantly it’s an amazing website about passing it forward.  As I was scrolling through I came upon this list of 100 ways for teens to make a difference in your community.

Through service, teens can be active agents of positive change in their communities. But figuring out how to get started in service can be intimidating for teens. The reactions can range from thinking there’s nothing productive to be done, to being overwhelmed with all the possibilities.

Involving the teens in creating a list of service activities, small and large, can help put the possibilities into the proper perspective. The following list, created by Youth Service America, can be a starting point for teens to create lists relevant to their own community’s needs.

100 Ways To Make A Difference In Your Community

This is such a tough time for parents, even if you understand what is going on, it can be heartbreaking.

Usually around 12-15 years old depending on the teen, he or she will start pulling away from parents, this is a normal, healthy stage in adolescent development. The teen will pull away from parents as he or she attempts to develop their own identity. It is a natural process for the preparation of leaving the nest.  

I remember my oldest daughter and I were very close, we spend a lot of time together, and we talked about everything. When she was 13 years old, she started spending more time in her bedroom on the phone, more time with friends and most all communication was off with me.  I used to go open her bedroom door and say “have you seen my daughter Amber anywhere? She would just say “Mom”, and roll her eyes, and I would laugh and say “if you see her tell her hi” and I would shut the door.

I didn’t try to make her talk to me, or make her hang out with me, and I tried not to take it personally, although I missed her terribly. I remember she started coming back to me about 10 months to a year later.

The more you communicate with your kids when they are younger, the easier these times will be. The pulling away won’t be as extreme, and it might not last as long.  If you wait until your child is 12 years old to start communicating with them, I can almost guarantee they are not going to want to talk to you much at all.

You also want to make sure that this is just normal pulling away, not something more.  If pulling away is accompanied with yelling, anger, tantrums, erratic moodiness, hostility, and depression, bad grades, and isolation even with friends, there is probably something bigger going on.

Here are some quick tips to make those times easier:

•    Don’t take it personally, have fun with it.
•    Try talking to your teen about the things he or she is interested in.
•    Do family thing on the weekday nights, better chance of participation.
•    Understand that this is a time when they need more space, more time with friends and a bit more freedom.
•    Pay attention and make sure it’s not something more serious.
•    Let them know you understand that it is okay, and that you are available if they need you.

Remember that they come back to you, so try not to pressure them to much during this time so they don’t shut down and never want to come back.  That is the good new this is temporary.

I would love to hear how you are handling this issue with your teen.

First of all lets talk about what fighting means.  Is it fist fighting, screaming and cursing, name calling, acting like a baby and pouting and giving your partner the silent treatment?  Yes, this is fighting to me, and if you are doing this in front of your children, you are a child yourself and you should look into taking some classes on becoming an adult fast.

Our children learn about a lot of things from us without us even trying to teach them, they learn through watching us.  Communicating with others is a very important skill that we need as adults.  We need it in the work place, with our friends, our partners, our children, out there in the world in general, we need the tools to resolve issues.  Nothing gets resolved through fighting, it’s nothing more than a fight, that leaves both parties bruised and battered.  To help our kids develop good tools to resolve issues they need to see people in their lives doing it and explaining how it is done.  If you and your partner have an issue to resolve, it’s okay to resolve the issue in front of your kids as long as that is what is happening.  When the discussion is over, the issue is resolved, and no one is beaten up.

This video always shocks me! For those of you who haven’t seen it and have teenage daughters, please share it with them.  Then share it with all of her friends.  Really, do we wonder why we have a distorted view of beauty.  Share this if you can and explain to your daughter that beauty is skin deep and not to buy into the media.

If you have seen this video before, still share it again with your daughters, it’s an opportunity to have a discussion about how she feels about herself.