After writing my last column Dear Beautiful Feet in 4-Corners magazine, I thought  you might want to read it as well.  We as parents want to raise confident teens that make good decisions for themselves, so I hope this helps.

Dear Beautiful Feet;

It seems as my daughter gets older her self-esteem gets lower and lower. She used to be so confident, now she is constantly talking about how heavy she is and how everyone is prettier than her.  I’ve talked to other parents and this seems to be a trend. What can we do to help our maturing girls like themselves?

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

This is a concern of many parents as girls come into the age of about 11 to 15-years-old; they start paying close attention to the world outside of their inner family circle. They are looking at what others are wearing, what responses they are getting for what they are wearing and observing the attention girls are getting from boys in regard to how they look and act.

Another big influence is the media.  Magazines and TV play a big part in how they feel about themselves.  In most magazines for girls and women, it’s all about the styles and having a thin body.  In TV a lot of the commercials and TV shows revolve around beautiful bodies and sex. The one show where there is a less attractive woman, they actually call her “Ugly Betty”.

During this time of teens looking outside to see who they might want to be, our parental influence takes a back seat to their peers and other outside effects. When they are living inside the family bubble it is easier to have self-confidence because hopefully we as parents have done our job to help them develop a stronger sense of self.

Unfortunately, a few teens haven’t had that development of confidence to build good self-esteem therefore need to make others feel badly about themselves in order to feel good about who they are.  So starts the spiral of our sweet confident girls listening to their peers and the media to try to maintain or further build their sense of self.

Knowing that our girls are going to start looking on the outside to complete themselves, we have to be prepared to guide them through these turbulent times with support and unconditional love.  Here are some tips to help your teens as they move away from your influence into the arms of the big world to figure out who they are.

TIPS FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF STRONG TEENS

1.  Start when they are young letting them know how special they are by noticing who they are on the inside, not so much about their outside appearance.  This keeps things in check, that what’s important is on the inside.

2.  Educate them on the media and how the models in the magazines aren’t reality. Shriving to be that skinny and airbrushed isn’t possible.

3.  Set a good example of loving your self by being careful about the negative things you say about yourself.

4.  Be kind to others and teach your kids that the judgments they have for others is really about the judgments they have for themselves.

5.  Ask them questions about the qualities they like in others and if they have those qualities. Confidence starts with liking yourself.

6.  Encourage them to try different hobbies to build on things they might be good at. When we have hobbies that we are good at it builds confidence.

7.  When they try new things or clothes, encourage them to continue to be unique and different. Don’t say things like “you’re not really going to wear that, are you?” This action only enforces the idea they should follow the crowd and conform to what others think.

8.  Let them express themselves the way they want to, not the way you think they should.

9.  Make sure they know that they can come to you with everything, that the door is always open on all subjects, even the ones that make you uncomfortable.

10.  Love them unconditionally; knowing that everything they do is a lesson for growing into the person they are meant to be, and it is their lessons not yours.

We as parents are here to guide our teens in the best possible way to be available for them without our judgments getting in the way.  These years are vulnerable for them and they need us more than ever, even if it appears that they are pushing us away.  If there is conflict in your relationship that prevents you from being available for your teen, I encourage you to look at your behavior not just theirs.

Two weekends ago my boyfriend and I went to a Harville Hendrix relationship workshop to gather more tools to relate to each other.  It was truly a wonderful experience.  Ever since I can remember I have been on a path of self development to achieve the self love necessary to maintain an open heart to create safety for myself and others.

This was one of the first workshops that I have been to that their theories were based on, a relationship with your primary partner was a platform to do your inner child work and you where responsible for your partners safety.  Now, I’ve been doing partnership work to heal childhood wounds  for a while, but not with the twist that we were responsible for each others safety.  What does this mean? I have been taught all my life that I am responsible for my own growth, healing and safety.  What I got out of it, wasn’t that your partner is completely responsible for how you feel, but there is a responsibility there.

If you are doing something to your partner that triggers him or her, and touches on one of their childhood wounds and you know that this triggers them, why wouldn’t you make the effort to stop triggering them, showing up differently, so they could heal that wound.  This is where the responsibility lays.  When we change our behavior around our partners wounds, we aide in the healing process instead of wounding them more by ignoring their needs.

So, with this information, I thought how is this  different with our children. The only differnece is we might be the ones creating the wounds in the first place, that they will spend their entire adult years trying to overcome.

The most critical information I got out of the workshop was how to listen, validate and have empathy for my partner and realize he is his own person and he is not me.  If we listen to our teens, validate their feelings, and have empathy for them and really get that they are not us, they are their own person on their own journey through life, this behavior alone changes the dynamic of the relationship.

We all want to be heard, validated and of course loved in all of our relationships; friendships, partners,  and children, this is an amazing gift we can give to our kids and anyone in our life.

I found this great article by Alice Englin, Partners in Prevention. The following article was taken from the Shoulder to Shoulder Minnesota parenting booklet, which can be found in English and in Spanish at www.shouldertoshoulderminnesota.org.

Who are your teenagers hanging out with?

These articles on parenting are all part of an effort to protect our teens from the dangers of alcohol, tobacco and other drug use. There is not one magic way to make sure they always make good choices, but through effective parenting we are much more likely to help them make the good choices in tough situations.

Please visit this Web site for more information.

Get to know parents.

• Make a point to invite parents in for coffee and a chance to chat when they bring their teen to visit our homes. If you’re the driver, stick your head in the door and introduce yourself to the parents of your teens’ friends.

• Know the address and phone numbers of your teens’ friends. Keep this information in a handy place to make quick phone calls to check teens’ plans.

Get to know teens’ friends

• Introduce yourself to your teen’s friends — let them know your name and learn theirs as well.

• Take interest in them. We’re not going to get juicy information, but know the basics: Where do you go to school? Do you have brothers and sisters? Do you play sports? What do you enjoy doing outside of school?

• Help teens’ friends know the rules in your house. Whether it’s leaving shoes at the door or clearing the dishes from the table after you eat, find a way to clearly and politely communicate your expectations.

Concerned about a particular friend?

• Sometimes teens like to “try out” new friends who are very different from them. If you’re concerned there isn’t enough supervision or that the home of a friend is unsafe, invite the friend to your home.

Questions to ask when your teen goes to another family’s home

• Will there be an adult at home?

• Will the adult be nearby the teens?

• What does the parent know about their teens’ plans?

• Will they be going anywhere? If so, how will they get there? (Do you want an adult to drive or are you OK with the 16-year-old sister driving?)

• What time should I pick up my teen?

• How many teens are coming over? (Is this a raging party or just a few friends?)

• Will they be having a meal with you?

• What are your rules about media ratings and what kids are allowed to watch?

• Do you have alcohol in the house?

• What are your rules about use?

• Does anyone smoke in the house?

• What are your rules about smoking?

• Do you have guns in the home?

• Are they locked away with trigger locks?

Alice Englin is the director of the Freeborn County Partners in Prevention, working to reduce substance use and abuse among youth in Freeborn County.

Good points, aren’t they? I hope you liked it.  These are just a few simple things parents can do to stay connected to their teen.

teens-in-a-group

I have always been a big fan of having the kids at my house, so I can get to know them and their parents. I was always so surprised at how many parents wouldn’t have the desire to come in and meet me.  Get to know your friends parents.

I remember one of my youngest daughters, friends mother was using drugs herself.  It was a tough one for me because I didn’t want to exclude the friend, because she needed friends, but I had to set good boundaries like: your not allowed over her house, if you want to hang out, you do it at our house, no exceptions.

It’s okay to have rules and boundaries with your teens and your teens friends.  The more open you are with your expectations, the easier it will be for them to understand and follow them.

I think getting to know the parents is very important because you have a better change of guiding your teen when you have your teens friends parenting guiding the same way. It makes it easier to keep track of your teens when there is 2 families looking out for their well-being.  So, know their friends and know their parents, and of course know your own teen.

Happy Parenting, and let me know what you think.

It’s a fine line between friend and parent.

I remember this when my girls were teenagers, and it was coming up again with my partners boys.  It’s tough for me to be their parent when they come to stay twice a year, so the best I can do is try to be a friend and still be view as a parent, where they respect me.  I noticed that one of the twins started to do things that wasn’t showing respect, not listening to me when I’d ask him to do something, teasing a little to much, so I started to look at what was going on. The other twin was still treating with respect and I was treating him the same way I was treating the other.

My behavior with them was very casual, and fun, and they knew that they could talk to me for some reason.  A lot of the time they would tell me things they wouldn’t tell their Dad, mostly because I didn’t react.  I didn’t want our relationship to change, although I wasn’t enjoying the behavior of the one twin that wasn’t showing any respect. So, I decided to talk to him, tell him how I felt, that I liked our relationship, it was fun and I wanted to be able to maintain my relationship with him to have fun and I also wanted him to respect me. I told him the things that he was doing that was showing a lack of respect and ask him if he thought I was asking to much? He said “No”.  I addressed this at the end of their stay so I won’t know if he was actually listening, or if it would have changed his behavior, I will have to see this winter.

I think we can have a relationship with our teens that is open and communicative, like a friendship, but with a strong parental umbrella.  The parenting umbrella has to be there because if they have issues that only a parent can help them through, they have to have a strong parent to go to.  I believe the friendship has to be there too because if it’s not there, there won’t be a comfort level to bring the big stuff to you.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to create a friendship with your kids where you are hanging out with them and their friends, and partying with them.  You want to create a friendship where you are still the parent, not just a friend. Kids need their parents.

Kids also need parents who understand them and allow them to be teens, this is where the friendship comes in.  Their friends understand them and allow them to be themselves.  This is what we need to practice. Understanding doesn’t mean giving them permission to do what ever they want, it just means understanding what they are going through and being there to help them through it.  If the friendship part is missing all together, they may never come to us with there big issues and we may never get the opportunity to help them through things.

My girls always knew they could talk to me about anything, now whether they did or not, who knows.  I do know that they came to me with some pretty big issues.   I wanted them to talk to me.  I treated them like teenagers, and didn’t expect them to act like adults.  They also had rules and consequences for braking those rules, but the rules weren’t rules expecting them to be adults.  I didn’t set them up for failure. The part about the friendship that is so important is loving them and not judging them, so they can come to you when the need you, isn’t that what friends are for?

So, friend or parent?  I say a perfect blending of both. Let me know your thoughts, and happy parenting.

My daughter and her friends drive me crazy, they are always arguing about one thing or another.  I am always telling them to grow up and stop bickering.

This is a time when friends play an increasingly important role in their lives. Teens have developed friendships that are more intimate, exclusive, and more constant than in their earlier years. These friendships are an essential component of development. They provide a venue where your teen can explore their identities.

These interactions are very normal for teens.  This is how they learn to problem solve with individuals and in groups.  These interactions give teens a place to practice and learned how to foster the social skills necessary for future success.

Even though this behavior seems extreme and immature to you, realize that they are not adults; they are still learning how to communicate and develop healthy boundaries.  I know many adults that have yet to develop the social skills they needs to have successful interactions with their adult friends.

As a parent, you should look at two things: one- why is their behavior bothering you so badly?  Did your parents bicker? Look at what your wounding around this behavior might be. If you are triggered by her behavior, the only way you are going to be able to show up for her is to react through your own fears. If you are reacting to her, she is going to shut down and not hear any words of wisdom you might have around this subject. So, first do your inner child work around her behavior. Second, lets look at how you might be able to show up for your daughter in a different way.

The best thing you can do while they are arguing is, just allow them the freedom to do it, as long as they aren’t physically hurting each other, let them be.  If things seem to be going no-where you might let them know your available if they need you, if they say okay, you need to make sure you are not bringing your agenda into their arena.  Do not try to solve this problem for them, that’s not what they need or want. You want to ask a lot of questions and if they are not letting each other talk, ask them if they are okay with setting up a format to express their concerns.  This will be where each of them will have an opportunity to discuss their feelings around the issue, uninterrupted.

During this time you need to remain open. Do not take sides, or judge the situation, you are simply a mediator.  Let each of them express their concerns, and maybe you just keep asking questions.  All this does is help them get to the bottom of the problem with an easier format. That’s what you have provided them with, a safe place to explore their feelings and shown them a different way to communicate, by allowing others to express and be heard.

When our teens are working through their issues and we come in and judge them, maybe by saying or thinking that this is an extreme situation and they are being immature, they will shut down to us.  If they shut down to us, we are no longer able to offer assistance when they need it; we just add more emotional upset to the situation.

What we want to do for them is help them through there upset by holding a safe place for them to explore their feelings.  If we aren’t helping them, we need to know that they will be okay, and not judge they them for the way they want to work through it.

Our judgments only put more distance between our teens and us.  If we want to be available for them we have to be willing to not fix things for them and not judge the way the want to fix it.

Remember, this is normal teenage behavior and if this behavior keeps upsetting you, you have work to do.

It seems like a few times a week I have parents that talk me about different issues that are up for them with their tween or teen.  I got to thinking about this and thought it might be a good idea  to start a parenting group. First I am going to host a Parenting
Q & A, then depending on how the parents feel about that I will start a group. Now, for those of you that don’t live in Northern Arizona, you are probably thinking, great, how does this help me.

Well, my thoughts are that I will start a teleconference call for parents.  Parents can talk with other parents and I can be the host.  I can bring different parenting experts to the table to help as well.  My girls are 31 and 32 years old now, but when they were younger I would have loved a venue to talk with parenting experts and other parents. So, give me some time to put this together and I’ll keep you posted through my Blog and Newsletter.  For now, lets address a few questions that are up for parents, and quick, easy answers.

Parenting Q & A

• Q: Why is my teen not talking to me?  A: This is a the biggest issue for parents and one of the toughest for them to deal with.  Don’t take it personally, this is a time for pulling away and developing their own sense of who they are. Give them some space and keep the lines of communication open.  Let them know that you are here for them and love them.  Keep your opinions to yourself and just listen to them express and explore things.
• Q: My daughter has a boyfriend for the first time, I’m afraid she has no experience. A: She doesn’t, that is why you want to keep the lines of communication open with her. Talk to her about relationships, ask her what type of relationship she wants to create. What she is looking for in a boyfriend. Do the list with her, ask her to write down all the qualities she wants in a relationship. Maybe get a few of her friends together to do it as a group.
• Q: There seems to be a lot of drugs available to kids, how do I prevent my teen from using? A: You can’t be with your teen 24/7 so you had better educate them on the dangers of drug use. Get on the internet and do research together. Explore all drugs and what they look like, what the effects are, short and long term. If anyone is educated on the dangers of things, they are less likely to use them. Let your teens know that again you are available for them, and this isn’t too much for you to swallow, let them know that if anything every happens where they are drinking or in trouble, you will come get them. The teenage years are a time for exploration and they may do it, weather we tell them not to or not.  So, keep that door open for them to come to you because once you close it, it’s pretty hard to open it back up again.
• Q: My daughter is always talking about how fat she is, what can I do to help her love her body? A: Love yours, first of all. She is watching you and learning from you.  Watch what you say about your own body.  Explain to her that our bodies are vehicles that get us around, they don’t need to look perfect to do a good job. Also explain that the media isn’t real and not to buy into it. Then make sure you do your best to encourage her to be herself and the she is a unique, one of a kind girl and to let that uniqueness shine.

In a face to face forum or on the phone, we will have the opportunity to share more and to have more people bounce their ideas off of each other.  Most all answers to questions parents have come down to love them, hear them, communicate with them, educate them, and accept them for who they are.  If you ever have an issue come up think of these few things and see how they can apply.  Parenting isn’t easy, kids are a gift, they help us grow and we can help them grow. It is a wonderful relationship between 2 people, if you can allow it, and give it the room it needs to develop.

If you have any other questions that I can use in the forum, please send them to me. I have only touched on a few, I know there are many more out there. Happy Parenting!

Eleanor Roosevelt - “I have learned long ago to possess my soul in patience and accept the inevitable.”

Four weeks ago I stepped off of a chair in my house and landed on a piece of wood that was sticking up from my wood floor…OUCH!  I pulled out this 1 1/2 inch piece of wood out of my foot and began the inspection to make sure that I had pulled it all out.  It look good, nice and clean and free of any other particles, so I thought.

Two days later I’m still unable to walk, and so goes the story.  Three Doctor trips later their telling me there is not much they can do that there is a piece still in there and just soak it and let it work it’s way out itself.  Three weeks later, I am still unable to walk and my foot is feeling an unusual amount of pain.  Doctor’s still say “keep soaking it and hopefully it will work it’s way out”.  I soak, I squeeze, and put ointment on and tell myself that walking is over-rated.

Four weeks later I’m feeling like I’m a bit crazy and I tell my boyfriend that it is never going to come out, and have a mini breakdown.  He says in his positive, sweet voice “It just needs to do it in it’s own time”.  I leer at him and tell him that it’s been plenty enough time and I call my Doctor again and tell his Nurse that I need to come in, yet again, but this time I want him to lance it and take it out.  she says she will have him call me. Enough is enough, I’m over it, and waiting for it to work it’s way out.

That night I am doing my regular routine, I’m soaking it and I am squeezing it, and as I am squeezing it, I am again telling my boyfriend that it’s never going to come out and I’m just going to cover it and forget about it.  And the most amazing thing happened it popped it’s head out to prove me wrong.  I was shocked to say the least, wow there it was, I grabbed it and begin to pull it out and I was shocked again by how long it was, a little more than 1/2 inch long, no wonder it took 4 weeks to work it way out.

In my life I am always looking at the lessons that always seem to be near by if I will give them the attention they so deserve.  This was a big one.

Lessons:

1) Everything will work it’s self out in it’s own time
2) It doesn’t matter if you need it sooner
3) As long as you are taking the action required to aid it’s process, that’s all you can do
4) Thinking negativity may not help the process
5) Having a piece of wood in your foot really hurts
6) And sometimes it’s a good idea to listen to the people that love you

So, take a deep breath, and breathe in “Patience, Understanding, and Unconditional Love for yourself” and know that we are doing the best that we can do.

It’s your teen’s birthday and your scrabbling for the perfect gift.  Every year you see the disappointment in your teens face when he or she opens the gift that you spent months looking for.

After a few years of gift disappointments for both my kids and myself, I decided that it was time to remove my ego and get them what they want.  At first I thought, I’d just give them cash, and wound up feeling as disappointed.  Cash seemed to take the fun completely out of the gift all together.

The first gift I gave them was explaining that it’s no fun to give a gift to an ingrate, and that no matter what you received you are to appear excited because it’s not about the gift at all, it’s about the thought that went into the gift from a person that loves you very much.  Now, even thought we know that this is a great gift to our teens, the gift of wisdom, maybe we are still looking for special gift that really excite them.  So here they are, as simple as they can be.

Ten Top Gifts for Teens:
1) Gift Certificate to their favorite clothing store, not yours-  Teens don’t want to be dressed by their parents, they are becoming more independent.  Give them the Gift Certificate and let them go shopping and pick out their own cloths.  I was at a store shopping and I heard a mother and daughter about 13 years old arguing about what her mother would let her buy. Occasionally I would pop my head out of my dressing room and check out what the teen was wearing to see if it was inappropriate and it was fine, maybe not the style I would wear, but there was a 37-year age gap between us.  Parents stop it; if it’s not inappropriate let them develop their own style.

2) Gift Certificate to a music store- Are you getting the picture yet?  Unless you know their music taste and know exactly what they are looking for, give it up to a gift certificate. It really feels different than cash.

3) An Art Class- Pick a class that you know will excite them. This is a great gift because it may open their eyes to a new talent that they might enjoy for many years.  Get them all of the materials to keep up the hobby.

4) Special Package for their cell phones- Maybe it’s a sight to down load special rings, that they can’t afford themselves.

5) Electronics- Even though I’m into monitoring how much kids are on the computer, or in front of video games and TV, it’s a gift the will love.  Just because you buy it doesn’t mean you can’t monitor the use.

6) A Bike- a mountain or street bike is a great gift because again it opens them up to a new hobby.

7) Movie Passes- Most kids love going to the movies and this is like having free passes to good entertainment.

Bookstore Gift Card- It’s like a credit card to a book store, so they can go buy a book on their time, and not have to be with you.

9) Meditation or Yoga Class- Only if they have shown interest in either of these, or maybe it can be a second gift that you give for both of you to go together.  Use it as an added bonus gift, with something else they love.  I have been noticing a lot of teens getting into both Yoga and Meditation these days.

10) Something for their bedroom- A cool retro chair, beanbags, couch if it will fit, posters, new comforter, or go shopping together and look for cool decorations for the room.  Their bedrooms are their own special places and we need to honor that and let them decorate it the way they want.  Teens need one room in the house to express their individuality in and a space that is only theirs.

So, hopefully I have given you some ideas about great gifts to give your teens.  To end cap the first gift, not in the top ten, which was wisdom about gift giving, the best gift you can give your teen is unconditional love, and that is shown by simply allowing them to be themselves and still accepting them and loving them.

Happy shopping and enjoy your teen for being themselves in all of their uniqueness.